Our long national nightmare is over. The Miami Heat lost to the Chicago Bulls 101-97, snapping their 850 game winning streak (or whatever). That’s not even the worst part, though … when El Heat were trying to el walk back to el locker room, somebody tried to snag LeBron James’ headband. That moment (and LeBron’s enraged velociraptor head tilt) is captured here, in a watermarked GIF (groan) from Ride The Pine.

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Links

Omar Little Makes The Most Effective Pro-Marriage Equality Argument Yet |UPROXX|

Rob Lowe Flew Around With A Jet Pack, And Now There Is Video |Warming Glow|

A fan sent Jared Leto a severed ear |Film Drunk|

Great Moments In Spring Break History: ‘Walk It Off, Bro!’ |With Leather|

Here Are The Guys Who Will Be Playing The Other Three Ninja Turtles |Gamma Squad|

Music’s 10 Newest Illuminati Inductees |Smoking Section|

Better Know A Draft Pick: Dee Milliner |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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This infographic (“info” graphic) appeared on the flagship television show from the Worldwide Leader in Sports. The image of the infographic comes from Reddit, which is part of the Internet, which in total cannot believe that people are getting paid to whip up shitty infographics like this for the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

The worst part is … well, its existence, but the other worst part is how unhelpful it is. Half of it is super vague. GET TURNOVER. DUNK. STARE DOWN. I don’t think they put all of that on the poster. Posters are singular images, not Sportsflix. And then the true gem, “fast break with Norris Cole.” That’s awfully specific, guys! I guess at ESPN, LeBron James is the only dude who gets to be on posters. I’d love to see Blake Griffin get depressed that nobody’s ever taken a picture of him dunking and demand that the Clippers trade for Norris Cole.

Here’s how to make a pie, courtesy of ESPN:

- buy groceries
- turn on your oven
- ask Dwyane Wade to lob you a cookie sheet
- eat the pie

I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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While last week’s Beef Thursdays column featured actual beef, in the sense that athletes were trying to rip each other’s heads off en route to a horrific international incident that could have only been prevented by the United Nations or James Bond, this week’s edition is more of an imposed sense of rivalry. Namely, we thought that Los Angeles Clippers center DeAndre Jordan became the clear frontrunner for Dunk of the Year last week, but then LeBron James popped up this week and said, “Hold on just one second.”

Funny how I’ve always thought we’d never be able to settle a Jordan-James debate.

Jordan and the Clippers raised the bar for humiliating opponents last week, when the 6’11” dunk machine threw down over an incredibly mismatched Brandon Knight. The result was two point for Jordan and a meeting with the floor for Knight.

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Goodness, Cleveland. Have you no pride? The Cleveland Cavaliers were up as many as 27 points against the unstoppable Miami Heat in the Quicken Loans Arena last night, before they eventually rolled over and died. The Heat won their 24th consecutive game – nine games shy of the NBA record set by the 1971-72 World Champion Los Angeles Lakers – as they ripped off a 45-14 run to overcome the deficit for a 98-95 victory and allow LeBron James to once again make the Cavs look foolish.

And it could have ended there, with the Cavs and their miserable fans once again burning James’ jerseys in the streets, but one fan dared to do what no one before him ever imagined – he begged James to come back to Cleveland. Wearing a homemade shirt that read, “2014 Come Home”, a fan sprinted on to the court during last night’s game, asking the once-King of Akron to consider opting out of his contract next season, coming back and fulfilling a promise of winning a title in the saddest sports town in America.

Good luck with that.

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Here’s poor Jason Terry looking like a fifth grader, going up against the Sweet Georgia Brown offense of the Miami Heat and LeBron James. Seriously, the Heat are now officially just the Harlem Globetrotters. Next week they’re gonna use a ladder in the middle of a game and the refs won’t call it. (via ESPN)

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Links

Gamma Squad Is At PAX East This Year, So Tell Us What You Want To See |Gamma Squad|

Breaking Down South By Southwest 2013 By The Numbers |UPROXX|

Why ‘Survivor’s’ Jeff Probst Is The Best Reality Competition Host On Television |Warming Glow|

Rolling Stone used an awesome picture of Al Pacino |Film Drunk|

This Is Why Skydiving Is Stupid And Nobody Should Ever Try It |With Leather|

Rick Ross Doesn’t Speak In New Reebok Commercial And That’s Fine |Smoking Section|

Only The Arena League Will Have Tebow |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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