In only a week, YouTube user “hippykiller1” – a handle after my own heart – has amassed more than 5.1 million views on his video entitled, “The World’s Shortest Escalator”. But what on Earth could that incredibly confusing title mean? As it turns out, it means that Mr. Killer1 believes that he indeed found the world’s shortest escalator at the More’s department store in Kawasaki, Japan. As the narrator explains, this 32.8-inch exercise in laziness is apparently a “thing of beauty and magnificence”, but to me it sounds like something you’d find in a Central Florida Walmart.

Unfortunately for hippykiller1, though, his claim that these moving stairs hold the Guinness World Record for being the shortest is a bit unfounded. In fact, it’s completely unfounded, because it’s nowhere on the Guinness website. Shock and controversy in the world of meaningless data to begin 2013!

Read the rest of this entry »

In news that should only be shocking to people who take diet pills, Reebok is paying $25 million to disgruntled athletic shoe enthusiasts after the U.S. Federal Trade Commission determined that the company’s RunTone and EasyTone shoes were sold with a mighty misleading ad campaign.

If you’re unfamiliar with the kicks in question, they’ve been marketed as shoes that women can wear to gain the benefits of exercise while they simply walk from the frozen dinner aisle to the ice cream samples. So how did they market such a foolish idea? By strapping these $100 cankle supports to exotic human masterpieces like Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Brook.

David Vladeck, director of the FTC’s bureau of consumer protection said: “The FTC wants national advertisers to understand that they must exercise some responsibility and ensure that their claims for fitness gear are supported by sound science.”

(Via the Daily Mail)

Now you wait just a second. How can you say that Kelly Brook isn’t a walking example of sound science? Everything about her suggests that gravity is bogus. Next thing you’ll tell me is that wearing Sketchers Shape Ups won’t turn me into a Hall of Fame quarterback or a sex tape star.

But don’t worry, lazy fitness enthusiasts. I’ve found the solution to all of our problems and it’s so awesome and powerful that it makes CrossFit look like cross dressing.

Read the rest of this entry »

… or “Randy Being Randy”.

Jerry Rice was never lazy. Even his idea of retirement hasn’t been lazy; he puts more work into out-foxtrotting Master P than I’ve put into anything in my life. So it makes sense that when asked about Randy Moss on ESPN Radio, the greatest wide receiver of all time would take personal offense to a guy who could’ve been even better had he ever woken up on time, tied his shoes properly or given a sh*t. Via a transcript of the appearance courtesy of Pro Football Talk:

“It was hard for me to swallow because I was not as talented and I had to work harder. To see a guy with that much talent not give it 100 percent, it was almost like a little slap in the face. But Randy was Randy.

“He could have been one of the greatest if he had worked just a little bit harder. I don’t think he wanted to give it 100 percent. You never knew what you were going to get with Randy. Sometimes you’d get the unbelievable guy, the amazing guy. Other times you’d get the guy that took a couple plays off.”

It’s an understandable beef, understandable to the point of being indisputable, really, because who hasn’t dogpiled on Randy Moss about being lazy at this point? And I’m sure they don’t have anything to do with Rice being brought on by ESPN as an NFL analyst or ESPN’s incessant need to say controversial things to make news about people who play sports. I came [ ] this close to getting a job at ESPN by sending them 30,000 words about how stupid Tom Brady’s hair looks. They asked me to write something about Brett Favre’s stop-and-go retirement and I choked. I mean, what could one possibly say about that?

Anyway, best case scenario is that in ten years Rice is still the greatest WR ever and makes chuckleface on ESPN every Sunday afternoon, and Randy Moss gains 50 pounds and tells himself how good he could’ve been in the dressing room mirror.

Matthew Partridge is a man with a dream – he wants to walk from one side of Britain to the other. This brave soul is doing it just because he wants to, with no social commentary or political agenda. Nope, Matthew simply wants to prove to himself that he can make the 1,200-mile journey on his own, and nobody will stand in his way. Except maybe a bad Internet connection.

Partridge’s walk from Land’s End to John O’Groats will take place entirely on Google Street View, because he’s far too busy to bother with things like training to walk. Instead he is training to sit at his computer for 10 hours per day and pretend to walk thanks to Google’s virtual mapping. And even though there are millions of people throughout the world whose jobs require them to sit in front of computers for 8 to 10 hours per day, Partridge is still treating this as it’s some sort of serious grueling physical task. Big whoop, I’ve made it through 2,000 pages of PornHub in less than three days.

Write this story with your poking stick, The Sun:

Read the rest of this entry »