*grabs morning newspaper, sits down in favorite recliner, reads “Florida Man Died”, takes sip from coffee, sits back*

A man from West Palm Beach died after eating dozens of cockroaches and worms as part of an eating contest, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office.

Edward Archbold, 32, participated in an roach-eating contest at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach on Friday evening. The winner of the contest won a python. (Via Local 10, with bonus event video!)

So many questions, I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess, why on Earth would anybody enter into a cockroach- and worm-eating contest in the first place?

“That’s insanity. I mean, you’re talking about a cockroach,” said Shane Santa Croce, whose daughter was at the event on Friday. “They were giving away a really expensive snake, so, you know, people do what they have to do, I guess. Not my cup of tea for sure.”

Or perhaps not my plate full of disgusting little dumpster goblins, but I guess in this economy, you don’t look a gift python* in the mouth.

The most interesting thing that I’ve taken away from this sad story is that cockroaches carry similar allergens to shellfish, which means that I now can’t eat lobster or Palmetto bugs, so I’ve already had to withdraw my name from Crazy Larry’s Possum Emporium 18th Annual Crawdad and Critters Eating Contest and Father/Daughter Dance in Ocoee. My biggest regret will be not giving my daughter her first shot of Turkey before trading her off for a sweet Harley.

Awesome Update: A tipster “friend” of Eddie just sent along a batch of photos that the “wild man” had been posting on Facebook the night of this event.

Read the rest of this entry »

"Let me get the Santorum," said no kid ever.

Back in 2010, a man from a company named Executive Trading called Upper Deck and proposed a partnership for a new series of political-themed trading cards that would be used as inserts in packs of baseball cards. Despite this being a terrible, horrible, awful idea, Upper Deck apparently told Executive’s President Justen VanGrinsven that they were down and the two parties continued to have regular correspondence over the following months, according to The Cardboard Connection.

At some point the deal fell apart and Upper Deck told VanGrinsven that the company was no longer interested in his political trading cards and people probably said, “Good, this was a terrible idea anyway, because nobody wants to collect cards that feature politicians.” Or not. Because Upper Deck turned around and released the “World of Politics” insert series last year, featuring all of the Democrat and Republican candidates who were involved with the 2012 election primaries.

Of course, Executive Trading was none too pleased with that and VanGrinsven and Co. are suing. And Upper Deck is suing them back. Because America.

Read the rest of this entry »

"Why won't you listen to me?"

Terrell Owens claims he isn’t broke, but by all accounts he’s pretty close to it. He’s desperate to catch on with an NFL team, but there apparently isn’t a roster spot in any league on the planet for him. Owens was previously trying to showcase his aging skills with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League, and he did so to mixed results. But now the Wranglers are apparently done with the human headache after he no-showed a charity event at a children’s hospital.

Owens has been released and the team bought out his 50% ownership stake… for a whopping $50. Yikes. But don’t worry, he’s going to handle this properly.

Owens has retained lawyers and is considering suing the Wranglers for breach of contract, according to the report.

Owens claims his contract stated that he didn’t have to play in road games unless certain financial conditions were met. He said his missed appearance at a children’s hospital was the fault of the Wranglers’ publicist.

“Mr. Owens’ legal team is addressing the details of the Wranglers release statement,” an Owens representative told TMZ. “(Owens) played all games according to his contractual agreement and was proud to be part of the IFL and the Allen Wranglers.” (Via the Morning Call)

To make matters more embarrassing for Owens, the team is taking back the Jeep it gave him, as well as evicting him from the home it was renting for him. All this of course comes on the heels of his painfully awkward interview on Dr. Phil. Let’s go to the tape for a reminder…

Read the rest of this entry »

"See? Forks are much nicer than pointy sticks."

The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.

Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.

“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.

“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.

In related news, Humphries’ ex, Kim Kardashian, is suing a Mexican plastic surgeon for using an image of her in a bikini on a billboard that is currently posted near the California/Mexico border.

Read the rest of this entry »

By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

Read the rest of this entry »

Almost a year ago to the day, we wrote about how old/gunslinging quarterback Brett Favre’s sister Brandi had been one of five people arrested in a Mississippi meth lab. You’d think “arrested in a Mississippi meth lab” would be the end of a person’s crime story, but Brandi, who looks a lot like the Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth if you photoshop in some hands behind her eyes, is facing a new lawsuit alleging she destroyed her neighbor’s house with toxic drug fumes.

From TMZ’s hilariously Brave And The Bold sounding “She DESTROYED our home … with meth!”:

According to the lawsuit, the couple claims a meth screening company detected “widespread meth contamination” in their home after Brandi’s January 2011 arrest — and recommended the entire place be cleaned.

As a result, the couple claims they had to find a new home for 5 months while their house was restored to a livable condition — not only inconvenient … but massively expensive.

I’m hoping “widespread meth contamination” means she tried to dissolve someone’s dead body in an upstairs tub but used it wrong chemicals so it seeped through the floor. So far there’s been no comment from Brandi, but I imagine that when we get one it’ll involve a lot of screaming and running around in her underwear.

Now I’m going to spend an hour going through TMZ’s Brett Favre tags to see if they announced one of his retirements with the headline “Quarterback … NO MORE!”