"See? Forks are much nicer than pointy sticks."

The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.

Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.

“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.

“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.

In related news, Humphries’ ex, Kim Kardashian, is suing a Mexican plastic surgeon for using an image of her in a bikini on a billboard that is currently posted near the California/Mexico border.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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Almost a year ago to the day, we wrote about how old/gunslinging quarterback Brett Favre’s sister Brandi had been one of five people arrested in a Mississippi meth lab. You’d think “arrested in a Mississippi meth lab” would be the end of a person’s crime story, but Brandi, who looks a lot like the Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth if you photoshop in some hands behind her eyes, is facing a new lawsuit alleging she destroyed her neighbor’s house with toxic drug fumes.

From TMZ’s hilariously Brave And The Bold sounding “She DESTROYED our home … with meth!”:

According to the lawsuit, the couple claims a meth screening company detected “widespread meth contamination” in their home after Brandi’s January 2011 arrest — and recommended the entire place be cleaned.

As a result, the couple claims they had to find a new home for 5 months while their house was restored to a livable condition — not only inconvenient … but massively expensive.

I’m hoping “widespread meth contamination” means she tried to dissolve someone’s dead body in an upstairs tub but used it wrong chemicals so it seeped through the floor. So far there’s been no comment from Brandi, but I imagine that when we get one it’ll involve a lot of screaming and running around in her underwear.

Now I’m going to spend an hour going through TMZ’s Brett Favre tags to see if they announced one of his retirements with the headline “Quarterback … NO MORE!”

The USA Today is now the clear frontrunner for the 2012 Happiest Story of the Year award, with today’s report that Skechers has dropped Kim Kardashian from its Super Bowl ad in favor of a French bulldog. The ad will also feature Mark Cuban, but the main point is that we’re finally taking a step in the right direction, not only by realizing that all Super Bowl ads should feature adorable dogs, but by kicking Kardashian’s well-insured butt to the curb.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a social statement. It’s just business.

“Kim got us more attention than we ever dreamed,” says Leonard Armato, president of Skechers Fitness, who notes that Skechers is launching a high-tech running shoe business. “We have to establish Skechers as more than a lifestyle company.”

Also, Kardashian’s contract with Skechers expired at the end of 2011, so the company is probably trying to save some cash as it drops $3 million on the Super Bowl spot. In case you’re unfamiliar, Kardashian was one of the spokespersons for Skechers’ Shape-Ups, the shoes that are supposed to help women get in shape just by walking around, but have since become the focus of a class action lawsuit alleging that the shoes cause hip injuries.

Geez, at least Reebok got Kelly Brook to shill for its fake workout shoes.

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Back in August, Linda Hogan went on just about every hacky radio show that would listen to her about her book, “Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes”, and eventually that took her to Matty P’s Happy Hour, which is a show that has featured such celebrities as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite and that swastika-tattooed girl that Jesse James slept with. A “caller” asked Linda if it was true that her ex-husband, Hulk Hogan, and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake had a homosexual relationship, and she was totally surprised that someone asked her about something she wrote about in her book that she was promoting. So of course she said yes, while trying to be coy about it so she didn’t “end up getting a lawsuit.”

*record scratch*

As reported earlier, the wrestling icon, 58, filed court papers last week accusing his ex, 52, of defamation, after she accused him of brutal physical abuse and cheating on her with a male wrestler.

Clarified Hogan about Linda’s charge that he had a sexual relationship with fellow wrestler Brutus Beefcake: “If any of that was true, I would admit it, and I was a homosexual I would embrace it. It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it….If you’re going to say I’m something that I’m not to try to ruin my career and my livelihood….I have to answer her back.”

(Via MSNBC)

It is being reported that Brutus (real name: Edward Leslie) is also suing Linda for defamation, and I’m quite eager to see the judge’s response to a man who spent the 80s dressed as a flamboyant, shirtless barber in a bowtie, with the last name Beefcake. But damn straight, pun mildly intended, that’ll show the woman who just took 70% of everything Hogan had. Now he can get some of that money back and spend the rest of his life trying to get this picture off the Internet…

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Hey there, With Leather reader, were you one of the lucky, forthright individuals who thought a hologram-embedded band could be scientifically proven to enhance balance, flexibility and strength because Shaq and Drew Brees and some tennis players said so? Did your brain trick you into thinking someone would sell super-human strength for only $29.99? Do you play those Nigel West Dickens missions in Red Dead Redemption and think, “hey, this guy’s onto something”? Then you’ll love this quote from TMZ, which you probably already read:

Power Balance — the company that allegedly duped athletes into believing its bracelets could provide super-human strength — is about to take a $57 million dollar hit in a lawsuit filed by people who called BS on the product … TMZ has learned.

Now, sources with direct knowledge of the situation tell TMZ … the company has reached a settlement worth $57.4 million, intended to compensate all those who were misled into buying the product.

And it gets worse for PB — we’re told the company will be declaring bankruptcy and plans to fold up shop altogether.

You can order a Power Balance Bracelet today via Amazon for $2.60, a 91% discount. And hey, just because there’s no scientific evidence to back it up and the phrase “holograms which are embedded with frequencies” is meaningless doesn’t mean those 33 five-star reviews are invalid. Right? Uh, right? Sh*t, now what am I gonna tell my friend at the mall kiosk?

Everything’s a placebo, though, isn’t it? Eventually we’re going to find out we don’t even need food, we’ve just convinced ourselves that we’ll starve to death if we don’t have it. If I can’t trust a Shaq-endorsed mega bracelet, what can I trust?