NFL Hall Of Famer and noted ephebophile Lawrence Taylor was designated Level 1 sex offender status after a Florida court heard arguments earlier this week. You’ll remember that Taylor received six years probation for soliciting an underaged prostitute last month.

As noted by Amber Jones on my podcast this week, the Level 1 designation will mean that Taylor’s name or photograph will not appear in an online database. Yes, sex offender registries have tiers now. Just like Game Of Death.

There are three levels of sex offenders: Level 1 offenders are characterized as being a low risk to the public, Level 2 are medium risk and Level 3 are high risk. People registered as the latter two have their names made available to the public, and authorities can go so far as to alert “vulnerable populations,” such as those at a school, nursing home or day care agency, that an offender is living in their neighborhood.

Level 1 offenders must register for 20 years, while the other two levels of offenders must register for the rest of their lives.

–ESPN.

So if his name isn’t going to be posted online, and if even the judge doesn’t think he’s a threat to public safety, then why is his name on a list at all? I thought the whole point of a sex offender registry was to protect children from predatory criminals, not for shaming burnout celebrities that have to pay to get laid. Probation should be enough for Taylor; his name doesn’t belong with the deranged miscreants for whom such a registry was originally designed.

Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor managed to avoid jail time when he was sentenced to six years probation for doing (business with) an underage prostitute. Lawrence went out of his way on Fox News to tell the world that he’s just not that kind of guy.

That’s not my M.O. I’ve been around kids and people all my life,” said Taylor, a former New York Giants Hall of Fame linebacker.

“I’m not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there, but I didn’t pick her up at no playground. She wasn’t hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room. And I don’t know what her age was. I asked her age. She told me she was 19. It is what it is.”

–ESPN.

It is what it is. And it is statutory rape. But whatever. It’s not like Taylor set out to commit a predatory act, or that the girl didn’t get paid. Do you know how hard it is to find an honest whore in this day and age? No, that wasn’t rhetorical. I’m asking for a friend.

Alleged statutory rapist and former cocaine lover incredibly scary, New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor plead ‘not guilty’ to third degree charges of rape, patronizing a prostitute, sexual abuse, and endangering a child earlier today. The most serious offense is, of course, patronizing a prostitute. They don’t deserve to be talked down to, even if they aren’t real people.

Lawrence Taylor appeared in court today and entered a plea of not guilty to third-degree rape, patronizing a prostitute, sexual abuse and endangering a child.

As we noted this morning, the not guilty plea came as no surprise, as lawyer Arthur Aidala had already said publicly that Taylor will fight the charges, and claims he did not have sex with the 16-year-old girl in question. –PFT

Of course he wasn’t going to have sex with that 16 year old girl. L.T. was merely trying to inform her of the damages that come with prostituting such a young, supple, body at such a deliciously rape ripe age. And if that’s a crime, Your Honor, then I have nothing left to say. Read the rest of this entry »

NFL legend Lawrence Taylor has a fun defense for his impending statutory rape charge. And if it sounds plausible to you, then there’s a bridge in the New York City area that I’d like you to consider purchasing.

As one source put it, Lawrence engaged in a “masturbatory act” and that was it.

According to New York law, “A person is guilty of rape in the third degree when … he or she engages in sexual intercourse with another person less than seventeen years old.”[..]

[I]n the criminal complaint against the alleged pimp, authorities allege Taylor engaged in “sex acts” but there is not mention of sexual intercourse — a requirement for 3rd degree rape. –TMZ.

LT was also found in possession of a condom, and that’s good thinking. It ensures that he’ll never catch any sexual diseases from himself. Most people rent a video or call up one of their ex-girlfriends, but not LT. This is like the kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and telling Mom, “I just wanted to look at it.” It didn’t work for me when I was 5, and it won’t work for LT now. Nobody ever wants to just look at it. Especially when they have protection handy.

Pro Football Hall-of-Famer, former “Dancing With The Stars” contestant and New York Giants legend Lawrence Taylor is now in the custody of the Ramapo (NY) Police Department earlier this morning. He must have been acting like a bunch of crazed dogs.

The 51-year-old former New York Giants linebacker was taken into custody by Ramapo police at the Holiday Inn off Airmont Road, Ramapo Police Detective Lt. Brad Weidel said

Taylor was being held in the town police lockup pending arraignment in Ramapo Justice Court this afternoon. He is being charged with third-degree rape, a charge that involves having intercourse with a minor.

Oh, just statutory rape? That doesn’t seem as bad as it sounds.

The victim was reportedly beaten during the attack.[..]

“She was a runaway since March and there was a pimp involved,” [a spokesman for RPD] said. “She got punched in the face. We’re not sure who did it.” –LoHud.

Oh that’s bad. And the girl was only 15 16. A lot of news of violence against women is coming out right now. Please, somebody get a DUI so we can finally shift away from being concerned about the ills of society. It’s making my head hurt. This would be tugging at my heartstrings if I actually had a heart.

Giants linebacker and coke-snorting legend Lawrence Taylor did an interview with an independent show with the YES Network that was picked up by the New York Post, and Taylor’s conversation with Michael Kay has more than its share of gems. Emphasis added:

“The night before I retired, I realized that I wanted to do recreational drugs again. The recreational drugs turned into a full-time job.” His moment of clarity? “When the feds put the handcuffs on me,” L.T. said. “It comes in real clear — these are not recreational handcuffs.”

On being drug-tested back in his NFL days:

Taylor submitted a teammate’s sample when he failed his first drug test in 1987, he told the Yes network’s “Centerstage.” “Actually, it wasn’t my urine. I failed the drug test and he didn’t. I couldn’t believe it.” via, via.

Ah, testing in the pre-Whizzenator days. Those were such innocent times. That was back before they had all the damn PSAs on TV. These days, you can’t even enjoy a refreshing beer in the car on the way home. At least I can still text…