I know this may shock you, but I’m not a billionaire owner of a sports franchise. Despite my best efforts and a possible restraining order by Rich DeVos, being an Orlando Magic season ticket holder does not make me 1/18,000th part owner of the team. Stupid semantics. But I suppose if I were the billionaire owner of a sports franchise, I’d probably want my team to win. If it didn’t, I’d probably go out, get hammered, and hit on anything with a pulse and tits. You heard me, Andy Reid.

Enter Jerry Jones. The Dallas Cowboys owner has seen better days, as his 1-7 squad has been the butt of the 2010-11 season’s biggest joke. With franchise QB Tony Romo down, a midseason coaching transition that violates his own unwritten rules, and a defense that couldn’t stop Khloe Kardashian from leaving a Weight Watchers meeting, Jones needs some release. That’s presumably why he ended up at the Lavo night club at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas last night, dressed like a Jersey Shore castaway and pimping a Super Bowl ring as he posed for pictures with a bunch of young, hot pieces of ass.

Good for Jerry. Sometimes I wish one of the 607 owners of the Miami Dolphins would go out and get crazy. Like Jennifer Lopez. Except instead of going out in Las Vegas, maybe she could dive into a wood chipper. Same difference.

(Photo via TMZ.com and SpyOnVegas.com)

But they weren’t seen together, I should point out. Tiger was in town over the weekend to rehab his knee (no, seriously), while Phelps was spotted at McCarren Airport Thursday. It doesn’t say if he was arriving or leaving, but I hope to holy balls he was arriving. The weekday whores in Vegas are just deplorable. UPDATE: Apparently Phelps was doing a bit of breaststoking at the Playboy Club. I guess the girls there would be attractive. And clean.

As for Montel, he was seen at the Hard Rock Hotel, well, actually playing poker. The talk show host is an avid player, even recently hosting a poker tournament as a benefit for MS. And of course it was the white guy with eight gold medals that wasn’t instantly indentifiable by his first name. That’s why my nickname in college was Bang Cock Dangerous.

[via Ben Maller]

Charles Barkley had lost more money gambling than a lot of people ever see in their lives, so no one was terribly surprised upon finding out that he owed 400 large to the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Vegas. But then he made this announcement Monday that had bullshit meters rising everywhere (emphasis from on high):

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line," Barkley said during TNT's pregame show before Game 7 between San Antonio and New Orleans. "I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble…I have no, no money problems whatsoever. Nobody's coming after me for money," he said. "I screwed up and didn't pay them. Could they have handled it differently? Yes. But it was my fault."

I can't remember when I ever thought Charles was not awesome–he's always been a people person that seemed to be dealing with real-life shit like the rest of us. But this thing with the Wynn really put him in an ugly light, and he ran a good damage control plan to a T. Conversely, the Wynn may have fucked themselves out of any number of high-rolling guests who, after seeing Barkley get hung out to dry in the press, will take their fucking-around money to Planet Hollywood elsewhere. I guess I'm saying that I'm willing to give Charles the benefit of the doubt here. I also hate whores that wear lipstick. Are you trying to get me divorced? Why don't you just dig I LIKE ASIAN 'TANG into the side of my arm while I sleep?

[ESPN] 

The Seattle Supersonics may be the Las Vegas Supersonics beginning in the '08-'09 season:

Las Vegas' goal of landing an NBA franchise is still alive after commissioner David Stern said Friday he will appoint a committee of owners to study the proposal Mayor Oscar Goodman submitted about how his city would handle a team.  The NBA currently has no team to move. But that could change in a year.  Stern said the SuperSonics updated the board on the "disappointing week that they had there in terms of not even a vote on their measure."

Oh, if Shawn Kemp was still playing for the Sonics and made the move to "Sin City".  This would have made your hard-working Assistant Editor's job so much easier as there would be an obligatory Kemp/Showgirl post every hour similar to the daily Dan Quayle lampoon on the Tonight Show in the '80s.  Alas.  Vegas may want to find some dealers and croupiers who aren't so easily offended before they secure a NBA franchise.  Also, I predict the Las Vegas Shooters (Hot Hands, Rain Makers, Ballers, Newtons, etc.) will have the hottest dance team in the Association.  The possibilities boggle the mind and . . . other areas of my anatomy.  I've heard that the most voluptuous ladies in the nation fly in every weekend just to "perform" for honorable gentlemen.  

Oklahoma City would seem to be the likely destination if the Sonics do move, since [Sonics' owner Clay] Bennett is from there and the city strongly supported the New Orleans Hornets over the last two seasons.

Hmm, Vegas or OK City?  Where would today's NBAer rather play? -KD

As I wrote yesterday, big dumb animal Joey Porter got into a fight with Bengals lineman Levi Jones in a Las Vegas casino, and details are trickling out now that Porter has been cited for misdemeanor battery. Porter, allegedly rocking an old-school Hank Gathers jersey (useless but fun and not necessarily true detail), unsurprisingly comes away looking like the primary instigator and victor in the fight.

When security at the Palms Casino managed to move the initial argument [from the blackjack table] to the hotel's valet area, Porter landed a punch to Jones' left eye that left a ''small laceration,'' department spokesman Jose Montoya said. The incident occurred at 6:50 p.m. local time…

The article also claims that Porter and Jones have a history of trash-talking, making Jones exactly like EVERY OTHER PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE. 

Honestly, this must be what it feels like for gossip columnists and bloggers when Britney Spears or Paris Hilton does something stupid or trashy. "Joey Porter got into a loud altercation that went from a blackjack table across a casino to the valet station? Uh huh. And then he punched someone? Oh God no. Not Joey Porter! Say it ain't so, Joe. Say it ain't so." Only instead of that sarcasm I just rolled my eyes. 

Update: The funniest thing ever from the Mighty MJD (transcript of the fight).

Official With Leather villain Joey Porter is staying busy this off-season. According to Norm Clarke (from The Big Lead), the sociopathic Steeler-turned-Dolphin got into a fight with — and this will shock you — a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Porter, an All-Pro linebacker who recently left the Pittsburgh Steelers to join the Miami Dolphins, brawled with Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones, at about 6 p.m. at a blackjack table in the casino. Jones, who suffered scratches, told Las Vegas police he would be filing charges against Porter. Sources said there has been bad blood between the two.

Scratches? Watch out, that cat's got claws! Rowr!

It also seems like a strange setting for a Vegas fight. Not 3 a.m. Not outside a nightclub. Not in a strip club late on Saturday night. Not in a ring at the MGM. Six p.m. on a Sunday evening at the blackjack table. It just goes to show that Joey Porter cares not for the typical drunken athlete mistakes. He'll make his mistakes sober, on the Lord's day! Right in the middle of the casino! Cuz he's Joey Porter! They shot him in Denver!

Of course, this is just something from the rumor mill, so it can't be confirmed until The Smoking Gun snatches the police report… but c'mon. This is Joey Porter we're talking about. If Joey Porter has taught us anything, it's that Joey Porter is an oversensitive asshole who needs medication. Sorry, no joke here. I really mean that.