Welp, that’s a headline I never thought I’d write.

But here we are, traveling back to 1992 to watch Williams Entertainment pitching the original “NBA Jam”, trying to win the lucrative NBA sponsorship necessary to license professional basketball players by basically listing off every scene in the movie Terminator 2: Judgment Day. You see, Williams Entertainment are the guys who made that Terminator 2 arcade game you still find tucked into the corners of yet-to-be-updated bowling alleys next to Demolition Man pinball machines, and if it hadn’t been for the This Ain’t Nintendo blast processing rah rah of that game, Williams wouldn’t have had the tech necessary to put that two second clip of Horance Grant dunking in the halftime report.

You can watch the pitch below. At no point do the programmers catch fire.

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Remember the glory days of 90s basketball, when Michael Jordan was stretch-dunking over Monstars, Larry Johnson as a basketball-playing granny was showing up to help Urkel on “Family Matters” and the true mark of sports celebrity was that you had animated friends or a weird alter ego or a living toy familiar? It’s one of the only things we remember about Penny Hardaway, who tragically passed away sometime in 1996 (if I’m remembering correctly).

Anyway, hot off the never-ending presses of Funny Or Die comes this clip of Blake Griffin trying to film a commercial and being terrorized by a clandestine albino puppet that’s supposed to look like him. Blake won’t win any acting awards, and I’d consider this a step down from leaping a tiger to try to get into a first-person shooter, but there’s an undeniable joy in watching people and things murder Jerry O’Connell. I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did (or didn’t do) to Tara Reid in Body Shots.

Check out the video, and join me in hoping that the NBA lockout goes on forever, and Kevin Durant has to make a career out of wearing a curly gray wig and dunking on the Devil.

[via Funny Or Die]

Larry Johnson signed a one-year deal with the Bengals earlier today. Johnson said he was just happy for the opportunity blah blah blah. Nobody really seemed surprised that it was the Bengals that picked up Johnson, considering that (a) Cedric Benson is hurt and (b) Johnson is kind of a prick. But there are concerns.

The Bengals are taking a needless chance and risking a good thing. Johnson is the kind of player M. Lewis has spent a few years trying to get rid of. It’s odd he would add a guy like that. The Chiefs are paying him $2 mil to go away. Lewis was adamant Monday that if Benson is OK, Johnson will be a scout team guy and likely inactive on Sundays. He also said he approached Ced about it last week, meaning a bruised ego was a concern. –Cincinnati Enquirer.

The Bengals play next at Oakland next week, which seems appropriate. The Raiders are terrible and they abuse their women, plus that who human sacrifice thing. Wait, that’s not the Raiders. I’m thinking of the Aztecs. My b. That’s the Aztecs, right?

Word is out that the Kansas City Chiefs have officially parted ways with their petulant running back, Larry Johnson. I guess guys that criticize the coaching staff and address the media as “faggots” aren’t the locker room staple that they once were. But either way, it’s not a foregone conclusion that the Penn State product’s days in the NFL have gone the way of silk pantyhose and not having sex on a first date.

The Chiefs (1-7) sparked a futile comeback in yesterday’s loss against Jacksonville while LJ was suspended for an outburst in front of reporters, alluded to earlier. But debate over whether Johnson would return from his suspension as a starter, coupled with the fact that he was Johnson will now get tossed onto the waiver pile, a pile that he’ll eventually clear since he’s owed about $2 million on his current deal.

Adam Schefter is on ESPN right now saying that reaction is mixed as to whether Johnson will catch on with another team; he turns 30 later this month and seems to have too much baggage to fit in with a team that actually has its act together. I wouldn’t expect demand for an whiny, second-rate running back to be terribly high in this economy, which means he’ll probably end up in Cleveland in like three days. Crap flows to Cleveland like blondes to an ugly guy with money. It just can’t be helped.

Kansas City Chiefs running back and noted petulant bastard Larry Johnson was suspended for two weeks after calling random people the British slang word for “cigarette.” The Chiefs cited “conduct detrimental to the club” in barring Johnson from team activities until November 9th, and there’s speculation that LJ might be cut from the team entirely.

Somebody from Sirius NFL Radio asked former Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer what he thought of Johnson’s antics, probably because Schottenheimer’s not really doing much of anything right now.

“Let me ask you this, of the other 31 teams in the National Football League, who in the world is going to bring him into their locker room? Whether they’re losing or, certainly they won’t if they’re winning. But, to me, the guy doesn’t have the skill level to warrant the kind of b.s. that they’re putting up with out there and I would not be surprised to see them run him right out of town.” –via The Huddle.

Johnson turns 30 this month, and with the exception of two seasons, never really lived up to his first-round billing. And now he’s walking around demeaning people on Twitter and in the media? What a fag.

Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson is a terrific fantasy back, but his career has been plagued by these weird fits of complacency that seem to hamper his production from time to time, not so much now as earlier in his career. But dude is still good for the occasional breach in decorum. Johnson led off his dubious media blitz by talking trash about his coach on Twitter, and then snapping at other Tweetees who took umbrage with his assessment:

Johnson then responded to a Twitter follower that reminded Johnson of the incident last year in which Johnson allegedly spit a drink into a woman’s face. L.J. used a three-letter homophobic epithet to get his point across in response…Johnson wrote, “think bout a clever diss then that wit ur [expletive] pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u.”

Johnson ended his evening with a reminder that he makes more money than the people bugging him. –PFT.

Johnson then took his message to the streets, or more specifically, the Chiefs media room. Read the rest of this entry »