When Hollywood studios aren’t insulting us with films based on Candyland and Where’s Waldo?, they’re making terrible sports movies about dogs that can play football and Freddie Prinze Jr. throwing like Jim Abbott’s niece. And the latest sports-related movie idea receiving a green light is the Madden Curse. That’s right, EA is making a movie about a running joke based on coincidence. Why not?

So is this film going to be professional football’s Final Destination, as some magical force stalks elite players, ending their careers in their prime? No. Not at all. Instead, it will focus on a retired video game champion. Seriously.

Specific details concerning the plot remain sketchy, but EA VP Pat O’Brien reportedly said, “The story will follow a former ‘Madden’ video game champion who is forced out of retirement just as he finds himself on the corner of the game’s cover — and subject to the curse.” (Via Switched)

Hold on, the guy comes out of retirement because for some reason EA put him on the cover of Madden? The Madden Curse involves active players who have stellar, MVP-type seasons only to be injured the next season and never play at that elite level again. So why does the guy come out of retirement? Is he afraid that he’ll break his thumbs in a freak Call of Duty accident? Perhaps the main character could spend the entire film insisting that he’ll stay retired but then unretiring. And he can text a picture of his penis to Olivia Munn. Lord knows I’d like to.

A look back at the history of the Madden Curse after the jump…

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Here’s the guy that would have won Super Bowl XLIII for the Arizona Cardinals if they just woulda thrown him the damn ball a little sooner. Of course, the waitstaff has no problem just throwing a plate full of pancakes, coffee, and whatever that little white thing is. Oh, I guess that’s a mug for the coffee. I forgot that they have that little bar of different syrups on the tables. But seriously, does anybody even eat breakfast anymore? I spend most of my mornings making sure my girlfriend gets to junior high school on time. via.

You’re a 20-something year old white kid. Almost by definition, you should never, ever, challenge Larry Fitzgerald to a foot race. And you should never, ever wager a video camera on it. Dude’s just like, “Yeah, okay. What do I need this $1200 piece of equipment for, anyway? Now I won’t have to carry it home. Excellent. Oh, wait, bro, you gotta lemme keep the memory card.” Thanks, Quentin.

UPDATE: The blogger in question is friend of With Leather Dewey Hammond.  You can read his account of the story at Yardbarker.

Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu will share the cover of the next Madden game, Madden NFL 10, which of course will be released this summer. They’re both dynamic performers with big hair that energized their respective organizations to their industry’s biggest stage. Yeah, they’re rock stars. New features on the game in this edition include a roster update and that’s probably about it.

And EA is also promising some sort of interactive experience for the NFL draft tomorrow. I have no idea what that might include, but I doubt it’s enough to keep me on a computer for a sixth straight day.

A big story in Tampa this week has been about superhuman wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and his father, Larry Sr., an NFL reporter in Minnesota.  Rick reilly and other columnists were all, “Larry Senior is awesome ’cause he’s going to not cheer in the press box and remain totally objective.”  Then there was the backlash by people with facts, who were all, “Uhhhh, actually, he’s not objective at all.”  Then the columnists got pissed off and tossed barbs back.  The whole thing has been pretty annoying and gay, which is why I haven’t written about it.

Forgotten in all of this are the accusations of abuse and bribery made by Angela Nazario, the former Raiders cheerleader who gave birth to Fitgerald’s son.  Remember a year ago when this happened?

A source close to Nazario says he has asked her to “hide” out in a small Arizona town, and asked her to have an abortion. Fitzgerald also allegedly tried to bribe her with offers of houses and cars, and when she declined, he told her “I don’t need this all over the news like Matt Leinart.”

After she gave birth, Nazario later accused Fitzgerald of slamming her head into a marble floor and tearing chunks of her hair out.  And now, rumors are beginning to swirl (see buried lede) that Nazario and son Devin will be at the Super Bowl on Sunday.  Rick Reilly has yet to write a column on whether or not she’ll be cheering for Fitzgerald.

Hey, look! Philadelphia is trying to make some exciting off-season moves:

The Eagles have talked to the Cardinals about acquiring Fitzgerald, with cornerback Lito Sheppard and receiver Reggie Brown rumored to be part of the offer. The Cardinals have little interest in either player, and they are not eager to part with Fitzgerald, who made two Pro Bowls in his first four seasons. Sheppard also has been to the Pro Bowl twice, but there are questions about his durability and he's unhappy with his contract. The Cardinals aren't eager to trade for someone else's problem.

But if the Cardinals won't trade for someone else's problem, who will? Also, Takeo Spikes will no longer be clad in midnight green on Sundays:

Spikes told WIP-AM (610) that the Eagles had tried to get the veteran linebacker to play for less money, but two team sources said that wasn't the case. Eagles officials said they simply wanted to go with the young linebackers who showed promise in the latter stages of last season.

Hmm, wants to go withsomebody younger and who's not someone else's problem? Sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend. Anyway, if you think this post was just an excuse to display a photo of former Eagles cheerleader and sexy party girl Ali, you're absolutely correct. Enjoy! -KD