"I'm just a man, damn it!"

FACT: There’s not a thing to be learned by watching a preseason NFL game. However, and this is something that is often ignored by the casual fan – the media doesn’t give a crap. And neither do I, so I figured we could talk about this past weekend’s games to pass this slow, boring Monday along. As always, I would like to point out that I do not profess to be an expert, merely a conversationalist with a love for potty humour. So please, offer your retorts and counterpoints in the comments and I’ll throw some more Earl Gray on the stove.

1) Alex Smith looked like, well, Alex Smith

To be fair, the San Francisco 49ers have never really given Alex Smith much to work with. But this isn’t about being fair, as much as it’s about winning. So far, Smith still doesn’t look like he wants to be the franchise QB that the 49ers thought he could be when they drafted him 6 years ago.

New coach Jim Harbaugh still hasn’t named a starter for Week 1, but neither of his guys – Smith or rookie Colin Kaepernick – were impressive against the New Orleans Saints. Smith was 2/7 for 10 yards while Kaepernick was 9/19 for 117 yards and 2 INTs. So how bad is it for the 49ers? They’re kicking the tires on Daunte Culpepper. At first glance, it’s incredible desperation. But deeper down, it’s probably to mentor Kaepernick, who is very similar to Culpepper.

Either way, don’t count San Fran out of the Suck for Luck sweepstakes.

UPDATE: And it looks like Culpepper is officially back in the NFL. The 9ers intend for him to play 3rd string and mentor Kaepernick, but as a fellow UCF product, I’d like to see Pepp roll one more time.

(Images via Getty and AP)

"You OK? You need anything? A warm towel? Taint rub?"

Cowboys coach Jason Garrett told reporters that he has banned any sort of rookie hazing, which is a response to last season’s controversy between Roy Williams and Dez Bryant, when the latter refused to carry the former’s pads. Now Roy Williams is in Chicago, and he claims he already found a Bears rookie to carry his pads, while Bryant just needs a belt.

"Did you find a place to live yet? Maybe hold off another week."

Again, it’s the preseason, but a 47-12 thrashing always warrants a little extra attention, especially since all of the New England Patriots’ preseason chatter involves Chad Ochocinco and the 600 defensive linemen that they’ve acquired. And speaking of those two things, that’s all we should really want to talk about. Especially since the Pats are going to have to cut someone soon.

It sure sounds like they might cut either Ochocinco or Haynesworth. Or neither. Or both. They’ll eventually have to cut someone. Maybe it will be Tom Brady. I just blew your freaking mind.

Your team will soon trade a first rounder for him.

When Tom Brady went down with that horrible knee injury in Week 1 of the 2008 season, we were introduced to Matt Cassel, who immediately sparked a ton of “Is this guy for real?” and “He’s good enough to start for any other team in the NFL including the Patriots” conversations. I get that feeling again from watching Brian Hoyer. I also get it from Matt Flynn, but Boyer will draw the most comparisons because of Cassel.

Now, I’m not suggesting that he’s good enough, but we all know there are GMs who are stupid enough to call the Pats and offer 3 draft picks for him, and we especially know that the Pats are going to try to get teams to bite on a deal like that in the near future.

GQ has a new interview/fashion spread with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, and while it’s not Tom Brady hugging a baby goat, it has some very tender moments, in between comments that once again try to make us believe that he’s better than he actually is. Most notable is this little nugget about his TV viewing habits:

Maybe the most striking thing about Sanchez’s home is what’s on the DVR. Holding a white towel around his waist, heading for the shower, he flips through his saved shows. A documentary about Justin Bieber? Episodes of Glee? The quarterback of the New York Jets is a Gleek and a Belieber?

Yes, he says, failing to notice the tone of incredulity.

Have fun with that, every defensive end in the NFL that plays the Jets this season.

(Image via GQ)

"Please don't break... please don't break..."

It’s difficult to judge the Detroit Lions’ preseason debut, because they played against the Cincinnati Bengals, who are most likely going to be completely terrible this season. Matt Stafford was 6/7 for 71 yards and 2 touchdowns, while Bengals rookie Andy Dalton didn’t look too shabby either, but “too shabby” ain’t gonna win fantasy championships.

As for Calvin Johnson, the guy who Cris Carter said was not a Top 5 receiver, he had two grabs for 37 yards and a TD. Gee, I wonder if Johnson is going to have a monster season now.

"So I was wondering... who else are you going to throw to?"

So far so good for new Arizona Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb and Larry Fitzgerald, as they hooked up twice for 60 yards. But how long does that last? Another preseason game or 2 before Fitzy is double-teamed all over the place? Granted, I have no idea who the Cards would get at this point in free agency, but it has to be better than Andre Roberts and Early Doucet. Do they check in on Mark Clayton’s injury recovery or possibly try to coax Randy Moss out of retirement? All this and more on the next episode of “Who Still Watches the NFC West?”

"Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!"

The Bears offensive line allowed 6 sacks in the first quarter in their 10-3 victory against the Buffalo Bills. I’m going to assume that the complete meltdown in blocking is because of the new line not being led by Olin Kreutz, but a little part of me wants to hope that it was the line punishing Cutler for giving up when he hurt his knee in the NFC Championship game. And when I say a little part of me, I mean all of me.

Man of the people.

Despite only completing 42% of his passes, Cam Newton is receiving a lot of praise from the media and his teammates. They’re saying that he’s a changed man, and he’s nothing like that cocky, smug punk that some people suggested the Carolina Panthers were getting when they drafted him first overall. Newton is sticking around after practices to meet fans, take pictures and sign autographs. He’s also being showered with affection because he’s balancing his urge to become a leader with his willingness to listen and learn. Now if only someone would shower the Panthers’ roster with receivers.

Two men. One job. This fall, the Washington Redskins are... Looking For Luck.

In perhaps the most heart-warming and artery-clogging story of this NFL preseason, Washington Redskins QB Rex Grossman is fighting for what he believes is his starting job, after he completed 19 of 26 passes for 207 yards in the Skins’ win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. But he’s up against a most formidable opponent in John Beck, who hasn’t started since he was pushed into the role with the Miami Dolphins and he royally stunk it up. Regardless of who Mike Shanahan names the starter, it will be a story of triumph over adversity and we will talk about it all the way until the Redskins draft Andrew Luck.

Now that we’ve all calmed down from last week’s controversial running back rankings, I figured it was time to start the week off on the wrong foot with an equally controversial and debatable fantasy football wide receivers ranking. However, I don’t think that it will be the receivers and where I have them ranked that will fire everyone up, as much as it will be the means in which I group them – 80s TV sitcom daughters. I know, we’re like Harvard and MIT had a big, stupid baby after a drunken weekend in Cancun.

After all, let’s look at what happened since I posted that RB feature:

- The Kansas City Chiefs signed LeRon McClain, which means that Jamaal Charles might get one touchdown this season. Meanwhile, Ray Rice is all by himself. I’ve never said that our readers aren’t smarter than me.
- Mikel Leshoure tore his ACL and will miss the entire season for the Detroit Lions.
- Ashley Tisdale showed up at a gym looking like this. It’s just baffling.

As for the football meat of this ranking, I always have a lot of fun picking my wide receivers, because this is where you can really find some hidden gems, especially if you’re in a standard format league and you start 3 WRs or 2 WRs and 1 RB/WR flex spot. But of course there are also always the standard studs, definitive duds, and those guys who are just good enough to keep that one guy in your league sending trade offers for your top RBs all season long.

Oh, and if you couldn’t already tell by that banner pic, it’s pretty obvious who the No. 1 choice is.

Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game festivities began yesterday in Phoenix with the Futures game but more importantly – Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model took part in this year’s Taco Bell Legends & Celebrity Softball Game, which featured “A-list celebrities, athletes and MLB legends” but seeing as the participating “celebrities” were Greg Gunberg, Chord Overstreet and Jason Aldean, we’ll go easy on that A-list label.

The score suggests that the National League team, featuring Mark Grace, Larry Fitzgerald and Ozzie Smith, defeated the American League team 5-3. However, the AL team had Upton and Erin Andrews, so that’s pretty much an automatic win. Sure, the NL team had Jennie Finch and Jordin Sparks, but come on – Kate Upton. Seriously. Kate. Upton.

And that brings me to today’s thought. I can understand the point of having guys like Overstreet, Aldean, and Nick Jonas in the softball game, because they have some current star power. But why not just load the rosters with girls like Upton, Jessica Stam, Chanel Iman, and Chrissy Teigen, who is friends with Andrews and Upton and Tweeted about the damn game enough that she should have been there? Last time I checked, baseball was America’s game, and our America likes very attractive women.

After the jump, check out Upton, Andrews, Sparks, Jennie Finch, and the other, far-less-important celebrities from last night’s Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.

Kate Upton uploaded this Paul Greengrass shakey-cam video to Twitter last night and I’m including it 1) because it’s Kate Upton and B) those guys are lucky as hell.

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We’ll get to Mr. Cool Guy Soccer Player in a bit.

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Erin with Chris Pratt, who wonderfully plays Andy from Parks and Rec and is married to Anna Faris in real life, giving so many of us hope.

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I don’t know any of his songs, but my friends tell me that country singer Jason Aldean is quite popular. I’ll take their word for it.

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(L-R) Erin Andrews, Jordin Sparks, Jennie Finch and Kate Upton. Well done, MLB.

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Steve Garvey and the National League team celebrate their “victory”.

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Rollie Fingers and the most important mustache in sports history.

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I want to hang out with Rickey and listen to him tell old baseball stories just so I can hear him say, “And one time, Rickey did this…”

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Still not as impressive as his homeruns in The Scout.

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I think a fun idea for the future of the Legends game would be to have Roger Clemens randomly show up and throw a splintered bat at Piazza.

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Mark Grace congratulates actor Jesse Williams, presumably for making out with Rihanna in her “Russian Roulette” video.

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“Congrats on Brothers & Sisters being canceled.”

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Fun fact: Luis Gonzalez was named the MVP of this year’s Legends & Celebrity Game, which we’re sure was a career milestone.

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I’m betting he was cheered.

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I don’t know enough about American Idol to give insight on Jordin’s career but I know she looks a lot better now than she did on the show.

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I get the feeling that Jennie Finch probably gives her pitches names like she gives her kids.

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Jake is an actor on Disney’s Wizards of Waverly Place. I don’t know what that is, but I’m guessing he has more money than me.

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Is there an expiration date on my anger over how awful Heroes became after season one? Not likely.

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Did you know that Bill Simmons carries this guy’s baseball card in his wallet? Cool story, bro.

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There were a few other pictures of Chord falling down and then I learned that he is on Glee, so it all makes sense.

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“You guys can use my songs on your show, if you want.”

“No thanks.”

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Well look who’s showing off for Kate Upton… *adds Carlos Bocanegra to “The List”*

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So Bernie Williams is still alive.

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Pratt was hilariously upset that he was replaced by comedian and Marriage Ref host Tom Papa during the game.

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I can only hope this moment included him crying like he did when he confronted Greg Pikitis.

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You know, something for the ladies.

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“Hi, I’m Mike Piazza. I’m a huge fan.”

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Jonas was actually booed during his introduction and first at-bat. The crowd may have thought he was Mexican.

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When Hollywood studios aren’t insulting us with films based on Candyland and Where’s Waldo?, they’re making terrible sports movies about dogs that can play football and Freddie Prinze Jr. throwing like Jim Abbott’s niece. And the latest sports-related movie idea receiving a green light is the Madden Curse. That’s right, EA is making a movie about a running joke based on coincidence. Why not?

So is this film going to be professional football’s Final Destination, as some magical force stalks elite players, ending their careers in their prime? No. Not at all. Instead, it will focus on a retired video game champion. Seriously.

Specific details concerning the plot remain sketchy, but EA VP Pat O’Brien reportedly said, “The story will follow a former ‘Madden’ video game champion who is forced out of retirement just as he finds himself on the corner of the game’s cover — and subject to the curse.” (Via Switched)

Hold on, the guy comes out of retirement because for some reason EA put him on the cover of Madden? The Madden Curse involves active players who have stellar, MVP-type seasons only to be injured the next season and never play at that elite level again. So why does the guy come out of retirement? Is he afraid that he’ll break his thumbs in a freak Call of Duty accident? Perhaps the main character could spend the entire film insisting that he’ll stay retired but then unretiring. And he can text a picture of his penis to Olivia Munn. Lord knows I’d like to.

A look back at the history of the Madden Curse after the jump…

After a very promising start to his career in Minnesota, Daunte set the single season record in 2002 for fumbles and he threw 23 interceptions as Minny went 5-11. He had a huge 2004 season but then his knees were mangled in 2005 and 2006.

The centerpiece of the Greatest Show on Turf made the Madden cover in the tail end of his amazing career, so to call him the victim of the Curse is a little unfair. But he succumbed to knee problems and retired two years later.

Vick appeared on the cover, blew out his knee and missed 12 games in 2003. He made a solid return that season and moving forward, but then he apparently had some legal issues involving his pets.

Ray’s appearance was controversial as he was the first player accused of murder to have graced the cover of Madden. He wasn’t cursed as much as the previous players, but he still injured his wrist and his season was cut short in Week 15. He also had zero interceptions for the first time in his career.

The former Eagles QB had already seen his share of season-ending injuries (to be precise, he had already had two seasons cut short by injuries before 2006) but after appearing on the cover he was having a strong season (he was tied for TD passes through Week 10 with Peyton Manning at 18) until he tore his ACL.

The 2005 MVP with the Seattle Seahawks, Shaun was an unsung hero for most of his pro career with the little attention he received in the Pacific Northwest. Once the spotlight hit him, he hurt his foot and was never again effective.

Vince only missed one game in 2007, but he injured his knee in the first game of the 2008 season and missed the rest of the year. Since then, he’s been in a fight at a strip club, had some serious personal issues, and he and his coach, Jeff Fisher, presumably hate each other. Or they have an extremely odd way of expressing their mutual love and respect.

Brett appeared on the 2009 cover as a Packer and was traded soon after to the Jets. In his lone season with New York, he led the Jets to a 9-7 record, throwing for 22 TDs and 22 interceptions. Then some other stuff happened but I changed the channel.

Troy and Larry became the first duo to grace the cover after their respective remarkable Super Bowl performances. Larry played a full season, catching a career-high 13 touchdowns. Troy, on the other hand, missed a good chunk of the season with MCL and PCL injuries.

So far so good…

Here’s the guy that would have won Super Bowl XLIII for the Arizona Cardinals if they just woulda thrown him the damn ball a little sooner. Of course, the waitstaff has no problem just throwing a plate full of pancakes, coffee, and whatever that little white thing is. Oh, I guess that’s a mug for the coffee. I forgot that they have that little bar of different syrups on the tables. But seriously, does anybody even eat breakfast anymore? I spend most of my mornings making sure my girlfriend gets to junior high school on time. via.

]]> http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/09/larry-fitzgerald-likes-pancakes/feed 6 http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/05/i-think-i-can-beat-larry-fitzgerald http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/05/i-think-i-can-beat-larry-fitzgerald#comments Fri, 15 May 2009 17:31:53 +0000 JOSH Z http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=18723

You’re a 20-something year old white kid. Almost by definition, you should never, ever, challenge Larry Fitzgerald to a foot race. And you should never, ever wager a video camera on it. Dude’s just like, “Yeah, okay. What do I need this $1200 piece of equipment for, anyway? Now I won’t have to carry it home. Excellent. Oh, wait, bro, you gotta lemme keep the memory card.” Thanks, Quentin.

UPDATE: The blogger in question is friend of With Leather Dewey Hammond.  You can read his account of the story at Yardbarker.

]]> http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/05/i-think-i-can-beat-larry-fitzgerald/feed 7 http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/04/its-troy-fitty-on-the-new-madden-cover http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/04/its-troy-fitty-on-the-new-madden-cover#comments Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:24:23 +0000 JOSH Z http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=18041

Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu will share the cover of the next Madden game, Madden NFL 10, which of course will be released this summer. They’re both dynamic performers with big hair that energized their respective organizations to their industry’s biggest stage. Yeah, they’re rock stars. New features on the game in this edition include a roster update and that’s probably about it.

And EA is also promising some sort of interactive experience for the NFL draft tomorrow. I have no idea what that might include, but I doubt it’s enough to keep me on a computer for a sixth straight day.

]]> http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/04/its-troy-fitty-on-the-new-madden-cover/feed 3 http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/01/the-other-larry-fitzgerald-story http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/01/the-other-larry-fitzgerald-story#comments Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:35:29 +0000 Matt http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=14392 A big story in Tampa this week has been about superhuman wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and his father, Larry Sr., an NFL reporter in Minnesota.  Rick reilly and other columnists were all, “Larry Senior is awesome ’cause he’s going to not cheer in the press box and remain totally objective.”  Then there was the backlash by people with facts, who were all, “Uhhhh, actually, he’s not objective at all.”  Then the columnists got pissed off and tossed barbs back.  The whole thing has been pretty annoying and gay, which is why I haven’t written about it.

Forgotten in all of this are the accusations of abuse and bribery made by Angela Nazario, the former Raiders cheerleader who gave birth to Fitgerald’s son.  Remember a year ago when this happened?

A source close to Nazario says he has asked her to “hide” out in a small Arizona town, and asked her to have an abortion. Fitzgerald also allegedly tried to bribe her with offers of houses and cars, and when she declined, he told her “I don’t need this all over the news like Matt Leinart.”

After she gave birth, Nazario later accused Fitzgerald of slamming her head into a marble floor and tearing chunks of her hair out.  And now, rumors are beginning to swirl (see buried lede) that Nazario and son Devin will be at the Super Bowl on Sunday.  Rick Reilly has yet to write a column on whether or not she’ll be cheering for Fitzgerald.

]]> http://withleather.uproxx.com/2009/01/the-other-larry-fitzgerald-story/feed 14 http://withleather.uproxx.com/2008/03/sexy-offseason-in-philly http://withleather.uproxx.com/2008/03/sexy-offseason-in-philly#comments Sun, 09 Mar 2008 20:05:00 +0000 Matt

Hey, look! Philadelphia is trying to make some exciting off-season moves:

The Eagles have talked to the Cardinals about acquiring Fitzgerald, with cornerback Lito Sheppard and receiver Reggie Brown rumored to be part of the offer. The Cardinals have little interest in either player, and they are not eager to part with Fitzgerald, who made two Pro Bowls in his first four seasons. Sheppard also has been to the Pro Bowl twice, but there are questions about his durability and he's unhappy with his contract. The Cardinals aren't eager to trade for someone else's problem.

But if the Cardinals won't trade for someone else's problem, who will? Also, Takeo Spikes will no longer be clad in midnight green on Sundays:

Spikes told WIP-AM (610) that the Eagles had tried to get the veteran linebacker to play for less money, but two team sources said that wasn't the case. Eagles officials said they simply wanted to go with the young linebackers who showed promise in the latter stages of last season.

Hmm, wants to go withsomebody younger and who's not someone else's problem? Sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend. Anyway, if you think this post was just an excuse to display a photo of former Eagles cheerleader and sexy party girl Ali, you're absolutely correct. Enjoy! -KD

]]> http://withleather.uproxx.com/2008/03/sexy-offseason-in-philly/feed 1 http://withleather.uproxx.com/2007/10/heres-the-cheerleader-fitty-knocked-up http://withleather.uproxx.com/2007/10/heres-the-cheerleader-fitty-knocked-up#comments Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:40:00 +0000 Matt

As noted yesterday, Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald has a paternity suit coming his way, despite his alleged efforts to keep his impregnated cheerleader quiet with bribes and his desire for her to get an abortion.  It's one of those heartwarming stories.

In an in-depth follow-up to the story, I couldn't find a picture of the cheerleader in question, but industrious Internet wizard Brent sent along this photo of the mom-to-be, Angela Nazario, back when she was in playing shape.  At least I have reason to think it's her.  I mean, the file is called "angela_nazario" — how can it NOT be her?  Plus "Nazario" is one of those names that's, like, Italian or some kinda Spanish, and this chick has dark hair and dark eyes, so that checks out, too.  On the other hand, the photo looks like it could easily be from the early '90s, so maybe Fitty's got himself one of those time-cocks I keep hearing about.

Right.  So anyway, this post seemed like a better idea before I started writing it.  Whatever.  Hey, it's a picture of a cheerleader.  What the hell else do you want from me?

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