Sports

Gina Carano’s Haywire Has New Photos - I wish I’d been around a couple of years ago to try and convince you “American Gladiators” was a sports thing. I can’t wait to see Gina Carano in movies, where there is a 100% better chance of me seeing her naked. Also, I think the best way to shoot an uzi flamethrower is to hold it as close to your face as possible. [Film Drunk]

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird Cover NBA 2K12 - I approve of this marketing, and think we should erase the last 15 years of NBA history and have continuity pick back up sometime around when Chris Webber showed up. [Smoking Section]

CM Punk Crashes Comic-Con - There are a lot of Comic-Con-related links in today’s Morning, but none as wonderful to me as the WWE Champion showing up and making Bill Simmons feel like he’s got to explain ‘worked shoots’ to us again. Here’s a footnote: you don’t know anything about wrestling. [The Wrestling Blog]

Disgusting Video of the Day: Pat Barry Loses a Wisdom Tooth - He needs a pair of jam shorts that say ‘WARRIOR’ down the side so you know how tough he is for doing this. Also, he should compare himself to a warrior or some sort of Spartan every time he opens his mouth. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Lockout This: 10 Awesome Sports That Could Replace the NBA - Assuming we don’t move forward with my Zero Hour plan for the NBA, these will be suitable replacements, especially “Octopush”, which is about as close to Blitzball as we’re going to get. Luca Goers for life. [With Leather]

The Dugout: How to Pick Up Soccer Girls on the Internet - I think my professional dream at this point is to have one f**king baseball player say “oh hey, I know about that comic you’ve been making for the last seven years”. I still think Farnsworth turned down an interview with us because we’re the only thing that shows up when you google Kyle Farnsworth. [With Leather]

Tennessee Cops Can’t Find Murder Suspect Because They’re Looking at Porn - Lorenzen Wright’s family might be making it up, but it’s hilarious/depressing to think cops have to let dead people rot because they spent too much time browsing for casual encounters on Craigslist. [With Leather]

Taiwanese Animation Covers Yao Ming - Worth it just to hear an Asian lady say “Charles Barkley”. [With Leather]

Not Sports

A Golden Treasury of Photos from the First Day of Comic-Con 2011 - I want to make it to one of these things one day. I’ve been to a Wizard World and a Motor City Con, but never the big real one. I want to camp out for two weeks and be briefly glared at by Kristen Stewart. :( [UPROXX]

The Best of #Justin Bieber Lulz - In case we aren’t all tired of making fun of this kid by now, here’s a ton of stuff making fun of him. I never hear him on the radio and only see him on TV when people are interviewing him about how popular he is, so I don’t know, I think he’s a figment of our imagination. Let’s direct some of this hatred toward somebody who deserves it, like will.i.am. [UPROXX]

Comic-Con: Beavis and Butthead - I’m so happy about this, and the only news that would’ve been better is ten more seasons of “King of the Hill”. [Collider]

Did you expect Zach Galifianakis to ride something other than a Vespa? - No. [FARK]

Pretend you’re a writer. It’s easy, I do it everyday. Writing is your dream. Imagine that you’ve worked on your writing your entire life, and just before you’ve gotten that big break, someone swoops in and snatches it out from under you. That would be painful, right? But hey, there are a lot of writers in the world, so it’s tough to make it. Now imagine that you do the most specific thing in the f**king universe. Imagine that you’re a sculptor who has spent four years sculpting a big ass Larry Bird to put in front of the Hulman Center in Terre Haute, Indiana. You’ve worked tirelessly for nearly half a decade to raise money and get every wispy bristle of that Larry Bird college mustache just right. Chances are you are the only person in Terre Haute sculpting a big Larry Bird to stand outside of the arena.

Only, you aren’t.

You find out somebody is donating all the money you’ll need to reach your dreams, with one stipulation: you can’t be a part of it. The want their own guy to sculpt the statue. And they tell you by E-MAIL. God, could you imagine? You picked the most random dream of all time and somebody STILL one-upped you. How could that feel? Well, ask Vigo County sculptor Bill Wolfe.

“It knocked me for a loop,” Wolfe said Wednesday. “I thought, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’ It was devastating after all the years working on this.”

C’mon Bill, you live in Vigo County, you should’ve stuck to painting Carpathians. Be sure to read the full article at TribStar.com, especially for the awful, gutwrenching e-mail.

“In closing, I want you to know that I appreciate you meeting with me and discussing this project. I appreciate you letting me borrow your replica statue to help promote the idea of Larry Legend Foundation. I also appreciate the fact that you know this project is long overdue, and at the end of the day ‘money talks,’ and we have now reached our goal of getting a statue for Larry on campus,” the email states.

All it needs is a “see ya, suckerrrrr” at the bottom. Thankfully Wolfe is already an accomplished sculptor with statues all around town, so he’s sure to bounce back. I hear he’s working on a statue of Magic Johnson right now, but can’t get the proper financial aids.

Unless I’m doing the math wrong (not that such a thing has ever happened before) this spring would mark the 30th anniversary of the Indiana State-Michigan State NCAA title game where Larry Bird and Magic Johnson faced off for the very first time. I don’t know if the timing of their showdown was “obvious” to the M&M people, as Sports Biz sensei Darren Rovell iterates.

I get that Bird and Magic are more identifiable when incarnated as candy colored like their professional uniforms. Most people wouldn’t understand Bird colored in Sycamore Blue or Earvin in Spartan Green. But…Magic Johnson looks like Esai Morales, for Pete’s sake. Is that really the message we want to be sending to children–eat our candy and become a handsome, out-of-work actor because of Hollywood racism? Does that contradict the traditional message of “Be completely insulated to the world until you turn 18 and then find yourself woefully unprepared for life?” Hey, I’m just asking here. By the way, I have some new toys here for that toddler of yours. I don’t know why those red Chinese labels are on there. I think that just means that those toys are “extra special.” Read the rest of this entry »

File this one under it's-not-new-but-it's-new-to-me.  Aryan stereotype John sent in this super-sexy Chardon jeans ad from 1982 starring Larry Bird, when roller-skating waitresses and arcades and grinding on roller-skating waitresses in arcades were all the rage.

In retrospect, 1982 was pretty sweet. 

This video from TrueHoop is just one more reason why digital video cameras + YouTube = me loving the 21st Century. The obvious conclusion is that he probably spent hours making these two shots, but on the other hand, it's nice that some of the American youth out there is spending hours goofing around in the gym, when most of their peers are playing HALO and masturbating (hey, that's what your 20s are for!).

Of course, he's got a long way to go until he can play Jordan and Bird for a Big Mac. 

Wow, I never realized that Cosby sweaters came in warm-up form. How many turkeys had to die to make Jordan's outfit? It's almost disturbing as Larry Legend's back hair sweater.