I laughed so hard that I pooped my pants when I realized that American soccer “star” Landon Donovan has to go all the way to Mexico just to do TV commercials. Here’s Landy’s ad for Ganagol, which looks like some 12-line parlay pick ‘em game that’s sure to be any sort of ripoff whatsoever. It’s in Mexico! How corrupt could it possibly be? I wonder whether Donovan was soaked with indigenous pee before or after the shoot. “Before” seems to make more sense. Help him get into character. –Guanabee.
We’ll get to the details of the U.S. losing to Brazil in the Confederations Cup final tomorrow, but for now, let’s just bask in the first half of the game — and in particular, Landon Donovan’s gorgeous 27th-minute goal. I’ve followed USA soccer closely since the World Cup in ’94, and I’ve never seen the Gringos score a goal as beautiful as that. And from Donovan! He usually disappears on the biggest stages, but he was tremendous during the last two games against the best in the world.
A counterattack goal in five perfect touches. You don’t see that much, and certainly not from the Team USA. I’m ready for the World Cup to start now.
The LA Galaxy lost to Mexico's Pachuca in the $1 million Superliga final last night on penalty kicks, and — even worse — lost David Beckham to a sprained knee when he and an opponent tried to kick the ball at the same time. Despite a bicycle kick goal in stoppage time to tie the game, the Galaxy fell apart thanks to an own-goal from Peter Vagenas (heh) and Landon Donovan's meek tap of a failed PK. Strange, Landycakes is usually so reliable in pressure situations. FanHaus recaps the carnage:
The Galaxy's 2007 embarassment is now complete. The club will win no trophies and see no postseason action, Beckham now has injuries to his left ankle and right knee, and the rest of the team needs a complete overhaul.
So they've got that going for them.
Too bad he didn't injure his penis. I bet Victoria could heal the shit out of it. I still think she's a sexy cyborg sent from the future to save mankind from ugliness.
For those of you who don't follow soccer — I understand this is most of you — Landon Donovan is not exactly the man's man of soccer. To put this in the right hierarchy of pretty-boys, he's kind of the Lance Bass to David Beckham's Justin Timberlake.
A prodigy in his teens, Donovan signed with a German club well before he was ready, flamed out spectacularly, then came back to the States homesick and worse for the wear. He did that twice, actually. Yet he remained a rising star of US Soccer, shining in the '02 World Cup before disappearing for an 18-month span that included the US's sorry '06 Cup. Now he plays for the LA Galaxy in MLS, afraid or unwilling to raise his game against stronger competition in pro leagues overseas.
Well, apparently, he's back. Yesterday he notched a hat trick against an Ecuador team that was starting eight players from its World Cup Squad. And the third one was a fucking rocket of an exclamation point.
You can see all the game's goals here, which are enjoyable not just for Landy not sucking, but also for Team USA's new unis. They look like an actual soccer team now. kits. They look like proper footballers now.
Yesterday's soccer recap was such a rousing success that I couldn't help but follow up with video of Mexican players and fans being raging cocksuckers. Here's Landon Donovan's breakaway goal in the 90th minute, followed by torched keeper Oswaldo "Dirty" Sanchez making a cleats-up swipe at Eddie Johnson, followed by Mexican fans throwing garbage at the celebrating U.S. players. Classy.
(The call is in Spanish, so get ready for a Gooooooooooooooooool.)
Of course, Sanchez couldn't even execute a dirty slide tackle correctly. He couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat in this highlight. He couldn't hit the ground if he fell off a fence. You know, while climbing over it. Because he's Mexican, you see.
If you're more inclined for the English highlights, check out the video after the rant over at The Fan's Attic.