Since winning the 2011 World Series, the St. Louis Cardinals have had a special motto during their road trips – #HappyFlight. Because most of the guys on the roster came up with each other in the minors, they have one of those brotherly bond things happening that I’m sure is only slightly less annoying to non-Cardinals fans than hearing about how their fans, of which I am one, are the classiest and most intelligent in baseball. *tilts top hat, spits tobacco juice*

But as for those happy flights, the Cardinals just try to have fun and keep everyone happy, which is why they showed up to AT&T Park yesterday wearing the goofiest outfits they could find. Led by David Freese, who wore some sort of Dr. Seuss-mescaline-inspired red tuxedo, and Lance Berkman in a bright pink ruffled tux, the reigning world champs shot a torpedo of hilarity into the bond between fashion and sports. And then they hit the field and committed 3 errors to hand the game to the San Francisco Giants.

Perhaps before they play the Los Angeles Dodgers today, they can wear cargo nets between their legs.

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If you’re over the age of zero, you probably realize that April Fools Day is a stupid idea that is somehow a million times worse in execution. For every halfway-funny prank that an Internet company or entity thinks up (and for the record, AdBlocker had the only good joke during April Fools Day this year, when they changed all Internet ads to pictures of cats), there’s an infinite number of idiots running around going NYAH HAH HEE HEE GET IT when their “prank” consists of, I don’t know, telling you they messed up your lunch order while openly snickering and then telling you NAH JUST MESSIN at the end of the same sentence.

However bad most usual-bad April Fools “jokes” are, they’re way, way, way worse when someone related to sports tries to do them.

MLB.com, with a hat tip to HardballTalk, reports on how Lance Berkman’s just the knee-slappinest, baby-prankinest jokester yokel what ever thought up a yuk-yuk.

Lance Berkman and several Cardinals teammates helped pull off a terrific April Fools’ joke on Adam Wainwright during Sunday’s game.

The pranksters had the public address announcer give away a car to a fan, who, playing along with the gag, ran onto the field to collect his gift. Berkman drove the vehicle — Wainwright’s white Chevy Silverado — onto the field and past an unsuspecting Wainwright, who did a double-take at the license plate while sitting in the dugout.

The winning fan, who was David Freese’s cousin, jumped into the back of the truck and Berkman drove out of the stadium.

Ugh. Just … no. That “prank” is so old, it’s got whiskers on it. I’m guessing that even the writer of this is playing up Wainwright “doing a double-take.” He probably rolled his eyes to himself and feigned a, “Oh, yeah guys. You sure got me. Hah,” while they all doubled over in laughter and handed him his keys back. Let’s retire April Fools Day, or at least make it illegal for athletes to “participate.” It would be for the best.

Sure, the big baseball news right now is all about how Milwaukee Brewers slugger and 2011 National League MVP Ryan Braun beat the system and had his 50-game suspension overturned yesterday. Everyone was all like, “Hooray, bro! He did it! He proved that MLB players can use banned substances and not get in trouble because the FedEx guy will forget to deliver the urine on time, thus rendering the findings obsolete because of the MLB’s drug-testing policies!” Or something like that. I honestly stopped paying attention to this story the moment it was announced that a Brewers player was suspended, because my natural response was, “LOL, Bud Selig won’t suspend Brewers.”

But my silly, sarcastic conspiracy theories aside, I’m happy that Braun isn’t suspended, because he seems like a good guy. The only way he could seem any cooler would be if he had a sweet mustache like my main man Lance Berkman up there. Berkman showed up to St. Louis Cardinals – the reigning World Series champions – facilities in Jupiter, Florida sporting a new and quite porn-o-rific flavor savor. St. Louis Post-Dispatch reporter Derrick Goold Tweeted that he looks like Sgt. Slaughter, but I think he’s working towards something a little more manly.

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According to this video, everything rapper T-Will Da Deal do “Saint Lou”, including:

• Walking
• Talking
• Owning clothing
• Posting homemade World Series anthems to YouTube
• Calling your homemade World Series YouTube anthems “films”
• Featuring a plush “rally squirrel” on the track who does that annoying “unh! unh! Yeah! We goin’ all the way!” thing people do before rap songs, except in a sped-up chipmunk voice
• Having said squirrel announce that he’s “just trying to get a nut”, because get it
• Giving a shout-out to his “haters”, because irrational hatred is the only reason to not like a squirrel-centric baseball rap song where somebody rhymes “mayor” with “McGwire” by saying neither of them properly

The tags on the video are even better, and include “BET”, “KANYE”, “JAY-Z”, “DEF” and “JAM”, “JIVE”, “RAMS” and both “FRED” and “BIRD”. I’m not sure if he’s trying to get on television, get a record contract, get into the NFL or just meet Fred Bird, but his video production and the fat that he’s rapping to actual music puts him ahead of any efforts we’ve seen from Texas Rangers fans. I’m not sure if he got the “I’m just trying to get a nut” thing from a Wal-mart t-shirt or from another rapper (where he appears to have picked up everything else), but the knowledge that a Cards victory would cause Lance Berkman to “get a nut” makes me really want to root for Texas.

“Dave Seville-style Rally Anthems” are the next logical step in St. Lou’s Rally Squirrel phenomenon, following shaped chocolate and inspirational taxidermy, and I hope the trend lasts long enough for Tony La Russa to try and bring in four different rally squirrels in an inning.

[h/t Outside the Boxscore]

Because I couldn't not use this image.

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as more intelligent, sophisticated, and gritty than other baseball fans. That’s why I can brush the dirt off my shoulders when it comes to the national sports media crapping all over the Redbirds over the past month. The Cardinals are heading to their third World Series in 8 years, but you should all know that they don’t deserve it and their pitching stinks.

Quick recap: In late August, the Cardinals were 10.5 games back in the Wild Card race. At one point, they were also 11 games back of the Milwaukee Brewers. But none of that mattered because the Boston Red Sox were in a bizarre tailspin, allowing the Tampa Bay Rays to climb back into contention, and nobody really cared that the Atlanta Braves and Cardinals were in the same boat because screw their middle market butts.

Regardless, we don’t need to recap too much, but you know what happened next and today I am a very happy boy. Too bad my youthful exuberance isn’t shared by the mainstream fellas, as one poopy pants thinks the Cardinals don’t belong on the main stage this week.

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Alternate title: e’ouch

Before you can even type “Albert Pujols out 4-6 weeks following wrist injury”, the Internet has turned itself inside out reacting to Kansas City Royal Wilson Betemit’s Flash-on-Anti-Monitor run into Albert’s glove, showing us that the world’s most powerful living entity can feel pain, and that when he feels it, he does a weird little hop to show it.

Of course, if what’d happened to Pujols happened to me I wouldn’t have hopped weird, I would’ve collapsed into a screaming mess there by first base and hyperventilated until I passed out and somebody dragged me to a local medical facility. In the even that you haven’t seen the play from Sunday, hop over to embed-unfriendly MLB.com and check it out. It isn’t Theismann’s Leg bad, but it might make your wrist hurt for the rest of the day.

So, what does this mean for the Cardinals? It means more Lance Berkman. Anybody excited about that? Maybe Red Schoendienst has an extra pair of homer-hitting pants that Berkman can wear until Pujols heals. The Cards have been doing all right without Adam Wainwright, so the loss of Albert will be the next step in the social experiment to see how many players you have to take away from a team before they start playing like the Spring Twins.

[via The Entire Internet]