As noted in today's Hot Clicks, Page Six + Rush & Molloy = Truth.  And the gossip item that ran in both columns today is that cycling legend Lance Armstrong spent his evening CANOODLING with Ashley Olsen.  Here's the Page Six blurb:

The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch's ex, Lance Armstrong, 36. Our bar spy said, "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."

Let's look at Lance's dating history since splitting with his wife a couple years back: Sheryl Crow (old, rich), Tory Burch (less old, richer), and Ashley Olsen (young, richer than God).  I can't fault his progression, and ordinarily I'd support screwing a younger woman who was a famous 3-year-old when you were 18, but this ain't right.  Ashley looks good in pictures and in this season's episodes of Weeds, but in real life she's a frail miniature person with a gigantic head.  Screwing her has gotta be like having your way with a midget Real Doll bobblehead.

UPDATE: Uh, I guess Mary Kate is the one in Weeds.  Whatever, man.  They're fucking twins.  It's not like I'm their parents.

Ivan Basso is an Italian cyclist who rides for the Discovery Channel team.  Well, maybe not:

Basso was suspended by his Discovery Channel team on Tuesday after the reopening of the investigation into his implication in Operacion Puerto, a Spanish police probe into blood doping by a group of doctors in Madrid.

Exciting stuff, huh?  I can't believe a sport as pure as cycling could be subject to the same heinous acts as other sports.  Also, is there any way to dope your blood to remove the evils of a Saturday night of binge drinking?  I should have never dumped that EMT because she would administer Saline IVs in such cases.  Any way, here's the funny part of the story:

"However, I feel really frustrated. If these latest events had emerged in December or January, everything would have been clarified and closed now, for good or bad."Instead, new documents have suddenly arrived two weeks before the start of the race (the Giro d'Italia). First they let me train like a donkey and then say 'Sorry, please stop and explain'. That's a time-bomb form of justice."

A "time-bomb form of justice"?  Is that like the time I discovered I was blessed with gonorrhea by my ex six months after her credit cards were no longer useful?  What kind of road bike training entails working like a donkey?  The question we really need to ask is where did Mr. Basso learn his English similes and metaphors?  He  truly is a poet.  Lance Armstrong suspended him from the team, although Lance is supporting the Floydster's fight against Chatenay-Malabry lab.  Perhaps Armstrong shares the Chief's view about our swarthy friends from the boot country. -KD

If you're a sports fan, you probably don't know who Tory Burch is (pictured here with a gay man; more photos here). She's an obscenely wealthy socialite originally from Philly, and she designs ugly clothes for moms who think they're fashionable. She's also — according to the never-wrong gossip pages — dating Lance Armstrong.

The champion bicyclist and socialite designer were quite cozy at a birthday party in L.A. over the weekend, says our spy. Word is Armstrong liked what he read about Tory in a recent Vanity Fair profile of her and ex Chris Burch. Armstrong, who won the Tour de France seven times, supposedly told a pal: "She came off as intelligent and successful," and arranged to meet her.

Not exactly a huge story, except for two points: First, Tory Burch has six children. SIX. And she looks like that. Her uterus must have magical powers, like turning lead into gold, or making the Knicks good.

Second, while I'd ordinarily take the opportunity to make a one-testicle joke here, I actually want to express some manner of congratulations to this prospective couple, because Chris Burch is a HUGE cockgobbler. A former associate of mine worked with Burch's label, of which Chris Burke Burch (Freudian slip there!) was CEO. He managed to do everything from call female employees fat to refer to his wife as an "asset." So I guess that's proof that having one ball is better than being a humongous dick.

Huh. I guess there's always room for single-testicle jokes.

People just gotta keep smearing Lance Armstrong's perfect record. Apparently hanging out with two Hollywood actors who have long been rumored to be gay and doing things like exercising shirtless with them gets the rumor mill spinning, so Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey have denied that they're gay.

Let's just do a quick review here. After divorcing his wife — with whom (to his straight cred) he had three children — Armstrong dated Sheryl Crow, who often looks a little mannish. McConaughey dated Penelope Cruz, who was previously on beard duty for Tom Cruise. He also goes by "Matthew," which is why I go by Matt. Matthew got annexed by the gays a few years ago (to say nothing of "Lance"). Jake Gyllenhaal, of course, starred in Brokeback Mountain and has dated unsexy Saber Tooth Kirsten Dunst.

So are they having cock-tastic gay conga trains? I don't know. But it's not exactly a solid case they've got in the court of public opinion.

If I were Armstrong, I'd be more interested in getting a human neuticle.