Lance Armstrong (you remember him, right?) has been training in southern France for another race in his coming-out-of-retirement tour when he was approached by the AFLD, France’s anti-doping agency for a sample to test. And just when Ol’ One Ball was ready to whip it out and fill up a cup, they asked him for hair. From Y! News:

“He was surprised we asked for a hair sample, he asked some questions,” Jean-Pierre Verdy, the AFLD’s operating chief, told Reuters after an AFLD meeting on Wednesday.

AFLD President Pierre Bordry told a news conference the move was also aimed at showing Armstrong he was “a rider like any other.”

“He must know that he is like everybody else,” said Bordry.

Yeah, he’s just like every other Yankee scum that won our marquee bike race seven times. I’m amazed some Pierre hasn’t gone Jeff Gilloly on him yet. I always thought Armstrong went back into racing to boost his Q rating back to the point where he didn’t have to pay for sex. Hey, count your blessings Lance, that could have been your corpse lying in Mary Kate Olsen’s apartment. Is it laying or lying? Eh, he got an Oscar; who cares…

Lance Armstrong finished seventh overall at the Tour of California (Armstrong’s Astana team leader Levi Leipheimer won for the third straight year), but the highlight was the seven-time Tour de France winner shoving this syringe-wielding jackass into a snow bank.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending Lance Armstrong’s decisions to leave his wife for Sheryl Crow or hook up with an Olsen twin or hang out with Matthew McConaughey.  I’m really just supporting the idea that if fans want to interfere with sporting events, then all rules are off for the athletes beating their ass.  Like, sure, you should be allowed to run around the bases at the Major League game of your choice.  And if you get beaten to death with a baseball bat, sweet.  Thanks for the extra entertainment.

[pedal.com.br via Fan IQ]

Lance Armstrong’s return to cycling is continuing with the nine-day Tour of California — he’s currently among the leaders despite a stolen bike — and the 7-time Tour de France winner has still got plenty of fire. In this video, Paul Kimmage of the Sunday Times asks Armstrong a question and mentions that his request for an interview was rejected. And then Armstrong points out that the reporter once called him cycling’s “cancer,” and he proceeds to verbally take Kimmage to the woodshed.

Jeez, you lose a testicle and almost die from cancer and then set up a huge charity and donate millions of dollars to fight the disease, and suddenly cancer stops being funny. Thanks a lot, Lance. What am I supposed to do now? Tell heart disease jokes?

[Velo News via Awful Announcing]

Rumors are swirling that Lance Armstrong could be up to something more than trying to win his eighth Tour de France next year.  He may be trying to BUY it.

It may not be unveiled next week, but the word is that Armstrong is involved in a possible buyout of Tour organisers Amaury Sport Organisation from its parent company the Amaury Group.

Furthermore, Armstrong may saddle up in the deal with Hein Verbruggen – the former president and now vice-president of cycling’s world body, the Union Cycliste Internationale. Some say it may be an Armstrong-UCI deal.

Remember how pissed off the French were an American — a Texan, no less — won their precious race seven years in a row?  Remember how they actually lined the streets to hurl insults at him, and how the French newspapers constantly accused him of doping even though he was never caught?  Yeah.  This should go over well.

You know, part of me thinks Lance might still be a little pissed about that stuff.  It must be nice to be that rich.  “Wait, they said what about me?  Well, find what their biggest source of national pride and buy it.  Also, adopt their children.  I want to raise them in my own image.”

[Sports by Brooks]

Apparently tired of jet-setting around and nailing whichever hot young Hollyood tail is presented to him (like Jake Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey), Lance Armstrong will return to cycling for the 2009 Tour de France.  He will be 37.

But the man left the sport after beating cancer and then winning seven straight Tours without ever getting busted for doping — despite rumors to the contrary.  It was the perfect ending.  Why would he return now?  (Don’t say revenge don’t say revenge don’t say revenge…)

Armstrong told Vanity Fair that “revenge” against those who think he used performance-enhancing drugs is part of his motivation.

Don’t get me wrong, I think revenge is absolutely the best reason to do anything, but he’s placed himself in a situation where anything less than a victory is a complete failure.  That kind of pressure is partly why my parents and I no longer speak.  Although why they wanted me to win the Tour de France, I have no idea.

7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong bought a sculpture:

The Tour de France champion attended the Scope Art Fair at Lincoln Center the other day and dropped $20,000 on a wooden sculpture from the ADA Gallery by Richmond, Va., artist Morgan Herrin. The sculpture – composed of chiseled and sanded 2-by-4's – is of a naked woman with erect nipples holding a sword, and with what looks like an octopus obscuring most of her face except her lips. A rep for the gallery confirmed the purchase.

Surely Lance can afford better pornography. Unless, he wants to have actual intercourse with the sculpture? It would be the natural progression from a bony Sheryl Crow and a bonier Ashley Olsen. It would also explain the octopus over the face. -KD