A while back I thought it might be fun to watch Khloe & Lamar and recap it for our readers and after a whopping two episodes I gave up, because there was only so much I could take of scripted love and Lamar Odom’s best friend, Jamie Sangouthai, who it the real life Turtle from Entourage. You guys could have threatened my life for not providing recaps anymore and I would have just said, “Tough yeti titties.”

It’s also important to point out that I now try very hard to pretend that this show doesn’t exist, because I want the Kardashians to be concealed in ice and fired into the Marianas Trench, only to be sealed with an ancient Incan curse. But it’s futile, because every so often they do something that is either so insane or trashy and I just can’t ignore it. Enter: The Khloe and Lamar sex swing.

Khloe and Lamar are obviously very open about their sex life, and I can’t even describe how much that shrinks my stomach. Seriously, screw eating disorders. Just think about Khloe strapped into a swing, hanging from her ceiling while Lamar dances around in gym shorts as some sort of mating ritual. Having trouble picturing that?

Here. WATCH A VIDEO OF IT.

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It's a screen grab from the new Mavericks "Go Away Cam".

Dallas Mavericks forward Lamar Odom is not exactly having a good season, as the reigning NBA 6th Man is averaging just 6.8 points and 5 rebounds per game. The former Laker was of course sent to the Mavs in order for the Lakers to free up cash in case they traded for either Chris Paul or Dwight Howard, but now it just looks like they dumped him off for the sake of winning games.

To be fair, though, Odom had a hell of an offseason. Back in July, his 24-year old cousin was murdered and not even a week later he was involved in a car accident that killed a teenager. Factor in the NBA lockout and the guy might have just been a teeny weeny bit stressed out. Enough to make him want to take a year off from basketball to get his head in the right place.

Thankfully, his co-star, I mean wife, prevailed with the voice of reason.

“My wife talked me out of it.

“Cause I was asking myself: ‘Was I mentally prepared to play? If I didn’t play well, was I mentally prepared to help the team?’ I had thought, ‘Maybe I need a year.’ Because of the lockout, I thought, ‘Maybe somebody’s sending me a sign that I needed this time off.’

(Via ESPN)

That’s an incredibly fair assessment. I’m actually quite impressed with his ability to identify the needs of his personal well-being, as opposed to increasing his net worth, risking injury or being a detriment to his team.

“(But) when I told some of my friends and my family that I was thinking about steppin’ back for a minute, I think the reaction from the closest people to me kind of gave me the energy to get back at it.”

The closest people being his wife, of course, so forgive me if I now take his whole woe-is-me routine with a grain of salt. Look, I feel really bad for the guy. The death of a family member and then being involved with the death of a random stranger is just awful, and he’s also dealing with a pending lawsuit from a transgender club-goer claiming that Khloe and Lamar had someone beat her up at a nightclub a few months back. That’s a lot of stressful crap.

But his life is also staged for TV, so I see more than 50% of what he does as fake, and I’m probably being way too generous. Because he agreed to whore his life out in exchange for fake reality fame and his entire life is about making money, I refuse to believe that he was going to turn down $8.9 million for this season when he only has one more season left in his current deal. No way a team offers him this kind of money again. So good looking out, Khloe.

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You don’t have to be an accredited laboratory technician to look at Khloe Kardashian and say, “hey, that eight-foot tall white monster lady doesn’t look anything like her four-foot tall Armenian princess sisters”, but thanks to some combination of X needing money and Y needing to stay in the tabloids, it’s official: According to a report from Radar Online by way of Star magazine, Khloe Kardashian is not a Kardashian, and patriarch Robert took a “well, duh” approach in explaining where she came from.

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married,” Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert after Kris Jenner, revealed to Star.

“He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.”

As godawful and deserving of a casting into pits as the Kardashians are, you’ve got to feel sorry for a woman when the news story of the day is, “yeah, she isn’t real, but we didn’t want to be embarrassed so whatever”. It gets worse for her, too … she isn’t adopted or a daughter from a previous marriage who got shuffled into the group like so much Jan Brady. Khloe is a Kris Jenner lovechild.

Ellen Kardashian, 63, married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, after dating for nearly six years — and she has also come forward after eight years of silence to “tell the truth” about the Kardashian family.

“Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his,” Ellen said. “Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him … [but] he never would have considered a DNA test,” Ellen concluded. “He loved her very much.”

“But I don’t give a sh*t about them,” she added. “So here’s all their garbage.”

Khloe has already taken to Twitter to defend herself, because what’s she supposed to do, wait for Lamar Odom to do it?:

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When the Los Angeles Lakers traded Lamar Odom to the Dallas Mavericks for a trade exemption, three thoughts crossed my mind:

A) This is obviously a move to clear cap space for the Lakers to bring in Chris Paul and/or Dwight Howard.
2) The Kardashian family and the E! Network must be going absolutely ape sh*t over this news. After all, having Odom and Khloe Kardashian living and playing in L.A. made “Khloe & Lamar” all the more convenient.
III) You know who must love this? Mark Cuban.

That third point is the most important, because, after all, Cuban is a fame whore unlike any other, rivaled in the NBA owners circle only by the Miami Heat’s Mickey Arison, who #humblebrags on Twitter about driving around with Jimmy Buffett on New Year’s Eve and boasts about his latest vacations despite reportedly losing $1.3 billion last year.

Cuban obviously doesn’t love that his defending champions look slow and overwhelmed to start the season 3-4, and he especially can’t love watching Odom struggling to find his role on the team. But he must sure as hell love Kim Kardashian showing up to games to pick out her next $18 million man, like she did last night when her and Khloe feigned delight in signing things for their fans as they watched the Mavs beat the Phoenix Suns, 98-89.

Now, it’s not a certainty that the former Mrs. Humphries was shopping for man meat, but if she was, I’d actually sign off on a relationship with Shawn Marion, because that just seems like the perfect recipe for batsh*t crazy.

Last night, it was like Twitter had a stroke. Tens of thousands of sports writers, bloggers, fans and general morons were going bananas over the reports that Chris Paul had been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. The first report, which could have caused riots if true, described the trade as a straight-up deal between the Lakers – giving up Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol – and New Orleans Hornets for Chris Paul. Had that been true, David Stern and Hornets GM Dell Demps would probably be in hiding right now.

Then the correction came in – Andrew Bynum and Odom for Chris Paul. A little better, but still nonsense in the eyes of most middle market fans. That couldn’t be the best deal the Hornets could get, and thankfully it wasn’t. The final, actual deal came in – Paul to the Lakers, Gasol to the Houston Rockets, and Odom, Kevin Martin, Goran Dragic and Luis Scola to the Hornets. Even then, nobody was pleased, and it turns out the league owners were the least pleased of all, because they said, “F*ck a bunch of that” and within two hours this blockbuster was squashed.

Why, you ask? Well, it’s complicated.

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Yesterday I wrote about how the NBA players were making a too little, too late effort to win fan support as the deadline had already passed to save the first two weeks of the season by starting a hashtag campaign on Twitter. By no means was I suggesting that the owners are the good guys in this whole mess, but I’m also not saying we should all stand behind the players. Look, both sides are wrong, just as both sides were wrong during the NFL’s lockout. The only side that is right is the fan side, because we pay the money. But my point yesterday is that neither side has seemed to give a crap about us, so we should be angry.

With that said, the players have been lighting up Twitter to try and explain to us why we should care that two weeks of the season have been canceled. As many commenters have pointed out over the past few weeks, we shouldn’t care. As far as I’m concerned, as long as the agents are poisoning the players for the sake of preserving large contracts, we shouldn’t care. But as a season ticket holder for the Orlando Magic, I do care. As a friend of people who work for a NBA franchise and people whose small businesses depend on the NBA season for income, I care a lot. This whole thing is frustrating, disappointing and sad.

But the players are speaking out – and more importantly they’re trying to clear up some misconceptions (like Steve Nash above) and have intelligent conversations about the lockout – so let’s see what they have to say. Especially if it’s in rap and/or Twitter form.

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