Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt continues to show the respect and grace that made him a great husband and one of the best owners in baseball by going on MSNBC Thursday and accusing commissioner Bud Selig of “ducking” him. Bud is such a wimp, Frank told him to meet him at the bus stop after school for a fight and Bud didn’t even show up!

“I want to talk to Bud, and I want to know why he’s ducking me,” McCourt said during an appearance on MSNBC Thursday. “I’m here to solve a problem, not make a problem, and you know, we’ll deal with the next steps if he says. I can’t make a person talk to me and can’t make a person focus on the issue.”

One step away from turning into Bryce on season two of “The Joe Schmo Show” (eesh, I typed that and even I don’t get the reference), McCourt insists that if he could “just talk” to Bud, the Dodgers’ issues would be resolved and everything would be fine.

“I just want to talk to Bud … I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more. You know, guys, we all you know run into different jams at different times, and how do you solve them? You communicate.”

He’s like that awful guy on the Internet who quotes your paragraph and responds to it line by line, insisting that HE isn’t the one getting mad, YOU’RE the one getting mad. Stuff like this reminds you of why Jamie McCourt had to go get her headaches healed by John Redcorn. Okay, that one I get.

Hey gang! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank With Leather for allowing me to contribute to the Dugout again. It is truly one of the best things that I have had the honor of being a part of, and writing today’s strip brought back a lot of fond memories. It was a lot of fun reading B’s Dugouts and seeing Jon’s return recently, but I really missed being a part of it.

The Dodgers are about to transform into a pile of mealy horse vomit. The messy divorce of two boring white people has spilled onto the diamond. The players, fans, and employees of the Los Angeles Dodgers will all be affected, if not ground into a fine powder and made into blue glue. Maybe Selig will sell the team to Donald Trump and by presidential decree the Dodgers will make it to the NLCS and actually put up a fight. Please do enjoy this very magical chat room.

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Major League Baseball has taken control of the Los Angeles Dodgers in an effort to keep the storied franchise from becoming an especially terrible episode of “Yes, Dear.” The team has been “increasingly paralyzed” by the bitter divorce of its owners, Frank and Jamie McCourt, and after like two years of ham-fisted bickering and accusations of malfeasance and bodyguard-driver laying, somebody finally stepped in and said “you are milliionaires, stop acting like dumb babies.”

In news that should surprise nobody, the Dodgers themselves have no idea what is happening.

General manager Ned Colletti: “I consider it a sad day for baseball and a sad day for the Dodgers.”

Acclaimed wordsmith Don Mattingly: “It’s hard to imagine it would happen somewhere like the Dodgers, but there’s crazy stuff going on everywhere.”

Frank McCourt: “Major League Baseball sets strict financial guidelines, which all 30 teams must follow … The Dodgers are in compliance with these guidelines. On this basis, it is hard to understand the commissioner’s action today.”

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A quick round-up of MLB trade deadline action.

MANNY RAMIREZ TO THE DODGERS — L.A. and Boston each send two prospects to the Pirates, while the Red Sox get Jason Bay.  Bay is a minuscule downgrade at the plate, a remarkable improvement in the field, and his salary is less than one-third what Manny makes.  Minus the loss of the prospects, nice work by Theo Epstein.  He gets his choice of Boston skanks tonight. [Update: Written before I realized Sox were paying the remaining $7M for Manny. Still, if you're coming here for analysis, you're in the wrong place, my friend.]

KEN GRIFFEY JR TO THE WHITE SOX — News of the proposed trade broke this morning, but Junior approved the deal, so it's official.  Chicago, which has an outfield of Jermaine Dye/Nick Swisher/Carlos Quentin and a 1B/DH combo of Paul Konerko and Jim Thome, successfully filled a hole it didn't really have.

ARTHUR RHODES TO THE MARLINS –  So, okay: not nearly as big of a name as Manny or Griffey, but I felt like I really needed a third story to go with this.  Rhodes couldn't have been moved farther away from the Mariners, both geographically and — what with the Marlins not sucking — metaphorically.

NL — Hiroki Kuroda took a perfect game into the 8th inning, but Mark Teixeira's double forced the Japanese import to settle for a one-hitter in the Dodgers' 3-0 victory over the Braves.  Must. Not. Make. World War II joke… The Mets tried to blow the nine-run lead that Pedro Martinez staked them to, but could only give up eight runs before the Phillies ran out of gas.  Master of Blown Saves Billy Wagner only gave up two runs before sealing the 10-9 win.

AL — Hey, I gotta get one a them Japanese pitchers — they work great!  Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima were key in Boston's 1-0 shutout of the Twins.  Your gratuitous Dice-K-related cheesecake is here… The mighty Royals cooled off the Rays, snapping the demon fishes' 7-game win streak with a 7-4 triumph keyed by two 10th-inning homers.

NBA — Michael Beasley poured in 28 points in 23 minutes, overshadowing fellow top pick Derrick Rose (10 points) in the Heat's win over the Bulls.  Now wait just a damn minute.  The NBA?  When did that start?  Does that league even HAVE an offseason?

Everyone's favorite "child star-turned B-movie hottie-turned village bicycle to Major League pitchers" Alyssa Milano is now blogging over at MLB.com, and motherfuckers, IT'S REALLY HER.

Yes, I really write this blog. Yes, I am a huge baseball fan. Yes, I’ve read all of your comments that you’ve left for me (ouch). No, this isn’t for publicity. And no, my entries won’t come and go like the other high profile blogs you are referring to (of which I am not aware but shame on them).

I have no way of proving any of this to you except to keep going. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I will hopefully convert the doubters. It will be my mission.

Alyssa, I get that shit all the time, believe me.  "No way Matt writes this.  I heard Justin Timberlake ghost-writes for him."  Like, sure, we look alike and date the same girls, but JT thinks "sexy back" is one word.  He'd never make it through a day doing what I do.

Oh, right.  Alyssa Milano.  Anyway, it's actually kind of a sweet and heartfelt piece, and her ghostwriter does a bang-up job of making it sound like Alyssa.  And I think it's great she still cheers for the Dodgers even though her ex Brad Penny went younger and hotter with Eliza Dushku.  But then, Alyssa's also been linked to Carl Pavano and Barry Zito (and even Josh Beckett and Tom Glavine), so she probably can't even pick him out of a lineup at this point.  "Hello?… Who's this?…. Brad who?… Which Brad Penny?… Maybe — did we have sex?"

Not that I've ever had that conversation, of course.