"Apparently we are still in Kansas."

The hyperbole has been intense over the past 12 hours or so since Evan Longoria barreled through his teammates to touch home plate last night. Scott Van Pelt repeatedly reiterated that “nothing is better than sports, ever.” And we agreed. The Twitterverse displayed a million different versions of “This can’t be real!” as people marveled at the heroics of Longoria and his teammates and the breakdown of Jonathan Papelbon and his. We also agreed.

To call it the best night in the history of baseball, though, is a bit of a stretch. Don’t get me wrong, I watched all of the action of each game live, flipping back and forth as each inning became crazier than the one before it. But is it still better than a great World Series Game 7? That’s a pretty tough call. So I will settle on the Greatest Night In Regular Season Baseball History.

Nevertheless, it was great for baseball. I’m sure that as Bud Selig is briefing the umpires on how his Milwaukee Brewers need to win*, he’s smiling a little wider than usual, perhaps even thinking of a bigger statue that he can build outside of Miller Park. Too bad it couldn’t be that great for everyone. As always, there are winners and losers, and as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I am generally regarded as more intelligent, classy, handsome, and sympathetic than other baseball fans. So I thought we’d pay tribute to the faces of the people who gave us “Baseball’s Greatest Night.”

*You know, hypothetically.

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Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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Tampa Bay Ray Evan Longoria was robbed during Spring Training, and yesterday he was able to find some closure. From a report via Tampa’s News Leader™ WTSP 10

A Port Charlotte man was arrested Wednesday for his involvement in the burglary and grand theft of a Tampa Bay Rays spring training rental home earlier this year.

Steven Charles Vaughn, 22, is charged with Armed Burglary of an Unoccupied Dwelling, Grand Theft and Dealing in Stolen Property. Vaughn was already in jail on unrelated charges.

While the Rays were at a spring training game in nearby Charlotte Stadium on March 26, thieves got into their home and stole $60,000 worth of items, including numerous electronics, watches, jewelry and an AK-47 that belonged to third baseman Evan Longoria.

His jewelry and his what?

Yes, apparently Evan Longoria has a stash of automatic weapons in his home, and it may or may not be because he’s one of Gillette’s “Young Guns”. Regardless, it’s always good when a robbery gets solved, and The Dugout is pleased to present this exclusive transcript of the police report that led to an arrest. Of, uh, a guy already in jail. But still.

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

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It looks like Alex Rodriguez is going to be in a lot of trouble. Well, a little trouble. Okay, no trouble whatsoever.

Via ESPN, who can get their own hyperlinks:

Major League Baseball is taking “very seriously” the allegations that Alex Rodriguez took part in some illegal, underground poker games, one of which reportedly turned violent, and he could face suspension if his participation in the games is confirmed.

“We take this very seriously and have been investigating this matter since the initial allegation,” MLB said in a statement. “As part of the investigation, the commissioner’s office will interview Mr. Rodriguez.”

Of course, no investigation would be necessary if Major League Baseball would just moderate their own chatrooms. Today The Dugout has an exclusive look at Alex Rodriguez’s sexy dangerous parties in the seedy underbelly of high-stakes poker. Man, I’m going to get him in so much trouble. I feel like Sports By Brooks!

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Women’s Soccer has suddenly become an important thing in the United States, and even our baseball players are taking notice. Well, not really “taking notice” as much as “noticing the hot girls”, but Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria has taken a break from chasing people in helicopters and stealing their hats to hit on one of the prettier members of the team, the legitimately foxy Alex Morgan, via Twitter. Burnsy covered the story yesterday, so be sure to click through and read his post should you need more information for today’s strip than “baseball guy wants to nail soccer girl”.

A couple of disclaimers:

1. As always, The Dugout contains frank depictions of real life situations and reader discretion is advised.
2. The opinions of characters in The Dugout do not necessarily represent those of its writer.
3. Somebody contact me via Twitter, I want to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.

Today’s Dugout follows.

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Several days ago, With Leather’s editor was enough of a women’s softball nerd to report that Majorish League pitcher Casey Daigle and Olympic gold medalist Jennie Finch had given birth to their second son and named him like a minor league mascot. It’s been a slow news week (with the biggest story so far being about thirty seconds of O.J. Simpson killing his wife) so Baby Name-Gate has started to circulate and was a top headline today on Yahoo News.

As one of the first sports blogs to report the story, I feel it is my responsibility to reveal my source. That source is a fictionalized version Ms. Finch herself, and I’m proud to reproduce here the chat transcript I observed. After you’re done, come back to the main page and refresh, because I’ve got a story going up about Cat Osterman naming her newborn “Dog”.

Today’s Diesel Dean Daigle Dugout dollows. Follows.

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