As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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Kurt Warner, probably the greatest Amsterdam Admirals quarterback ever, got some attention for the week when he said that Brett Favre’s legacy had a little smudge on it after, you know, the retirement, unretirement, retirement, unretirement, his wiener, etc…

USA Today:

Brett Favre may still have the credentials to earn induction into the Hall of Fame. But Kurt Warner said the troubles of his final three NFL seasons may blemish the legacy of the NFL’s first-ever three-time MVP.

Warner, the former NFL QB-turned-NFL Network analyst, said on NFL Total Access on Monday that Favre — who said Sunday he intends to retire, a day before he was sued for alleged sexual harassment by two female massage therapists — had tarnished the good feelings around his legendary NFL career.
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In case you haven’t been watching – and I seriously hope you haven’t been watching – former Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner has been a contestant on Dancing with the Stars this season, and his performances through this week have reportedly been bad. How bad? ABC tried to replace him with Marc Bulger Matt Leinart. I kid, I kid. But seriously, he’s been terrible.

I can judge Warner’s dancing skills with confidence because after watching this video of his performance from Tuesday night’s DWTS I watched a few other performances and then I cried a little, mainly because I had to watch videos of people dancing, but also because I sat on my balls a little. Warner and his partner Anna Trebunskaya received a score of 22 out of 30, which is still not as bad as Michael Bolton’s 12 from earlier in the season (Thanks, Google!). The judges also called this performance “awkward”, but only because Dick Vermeil was crying the whole time.

Watch Warner get jiggy with it and call for a flag after the jump…

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The Arizona Cardinals are coping with big changes this preseason, as former first round draft pick Matt Leinart is now the starting quarterback and young receivers like Steve Breaston and Early Doucet are stepping up since Anquan Boldin was traded to the Baltimore Ravens in the offseason. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner is dealing with life as a civilian now that his days as an off-and-on elite NFL QB are over. Yes, life’s much simpler now for the former Ram, Giant and Cardinal, as he’s left to ponder what he and his once-Gozerian wife Brenda will do with their twilight years.

Kurt’s first paying retirement gig has been as a broadcaster for the Iowa Barnstormers Arena Football franchise, as he was inducted into the AFL Hall of Fame in May. Warner also played for the Barnstormers before becoming a NFL feel-good story and Super Bowl MVP for the St. Louis Rams. And that feel-good story is now the center of so many possibilities for the Warner family, which includes his seven children. Or as Travis Henry calls it – amateur hour.

The next time someone asks if Kurt Warner’s a god, you say yes, Pro Football Talk:

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Kurt Warner will join former NFL quarterback Troy Aikman Dancing with the Stars next season. The show, entering its eleventh season, has had a number of NFL stars compete on the show including Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones.

Kurt Warner will be among Dancing with the Stars’ eleventh-season competitors this fall, the Washington Post reported Monday.

While Dancing with the Stars’ prior seasons have featured several retired NFL players — Michael Irvin, Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Warren Sapp, and Lawrence Taylor — as well as still-active players — Jason Taylor and Chad Ochocinco — Warner would be the first quarterback to compete on the ABC reality ballroom competition. –Reality TV World

This trend of football players dancing with the stars need to end, now. Better yet, this show needs to be cancelled immediately. Dancing is something that’s done by yourself at three o’ clock in the morning, not on national television. Except for Erin Andrews, but when I say “on national television” I mean in scantily clad in my room. I hope Erin wasn’t on the same season as Lawrence Taylor. He tends to get a little ‘handsy.’ My mistake, I forgot that was only with 16 year-old prostitutes.

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There reportedly was an outside chance (and I mean Harry Doyle “Juuust a bit outside” chance) that noted Jesus freak Kurt Warner and his three Super Bowl appearances might return to the Arizona Cardinals for a 17th season of pro football. The reasoning behind such a move, admittedly, seemed rather sound on its face.

Some believe Warner assumed he’d automatically get a job covering the NFL on one of the networks. To date, he hasn’t. And, by now, the assignments for 2011 are largely firmed up.

So if Warner won’t have a TV gig in 2010, the thinking is that he could be lured back to the gridiron.

And the Cardinals, who are saddled with Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson, could be interested in bringing him back. –PFT.

But Warner already has quashed (squashed?) that rumor in the bud. Read the rest of this entry »