Last week, we brought you news that Kanye West had announced during his concert in Atlantic City that he had indeed conceived a child in the maternal dungeon that is Kim Kardashian’s womb. And, of course, the sports-related part of that story is that Kardashian is still married to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, so I vaguely speculated that this development could have a huge impact on the couple’s neverending divorce proceedings that are already costing them millions of dollars.

As it turns out, we almost – almost – had a contender for the most ridiculously amazing story of the year, thanks to California paternity laws.

They’ve been separated for more than a year, but that don’t matter much in California, where the husband of a pregnant woman is PRESUMED to be the father.

Translation — Kris Humphries has the edge going in as Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy. If he were to lay claim to the kid, Kim and Kanye would have to present “clear and convincing evidence” to a judge that Kanye did the dirty. (Via TMZ)

Unfortunately, as awesome as it would be to see Humphries proclaim, “Hurrr, that’s my kid now” and force Kardashian and Kanye to publically describe their sexual conquest – I’m sure there’s a tape – it turns out that the rule isn’t that simple. Humphries and Kardashian would have to actually be living together in order for him to stake his derpy claim to the child.

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Great.

There was a rumor earlier this year that Kim Kardashian was pregnant with Kanye West’s baby, but everyone in her camp of evil harpies denied it because it would have meant that she had been sleeping with West while she was still “happily married” to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and then he could have taken her to court and shouted, “Hurrrrr, pay up, derp.” Well now it’s official – Kardashian is indeed preggers, as West announced the conception of the antichrist at his concert in Atlantic City last night.

West delivered the news to a crowd of 5,000 at the casino hotel’s Ovation Hall in song form: “Now you having my baby.”

The 35-year-old West told concertgoers to congratulate his “baby mom” and that this was the “most amazing thing” as the crowd roared

Kardashian confirmed the news a few hours later on her official site. (Via the New York Daily News)

And then somewhere, while perched atop her throne of devoured skulls, Kris Jenner shouted, “DAMN YOU, KANYE! THAT NEWS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD!” Then she rescheduled Kendall’s upcoming photoshoot with Penthouse, probably.

So what, then, does this mean for Humphries’ divorce, which has already famously cost a ton of money, as it has dragged on longer than his actual marriage to the woman who rose to fame for being Paris Hilton’s friend before releasing an amateur sex tape with Brandy’s brother and now pretends to be ashamed of that video even though she’s created an empire that endears toxic behavior and success without merit? *deep breath*

For an expert opinion, I turned to With Leather’s foremost legal authority, Danger Guerrero, who responded with this official insight…

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Funny how just yesterday I was complaining that I needed something to jumpstart my NBA excitement, and then one of the greatest imaginable fights breaks out between two guys who couldn’t be more disliked. In one corner, wearing flat black and silver with an open mouth and confused face, Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries was last year’s most hated player in the NBA, according to fans. In the other corner, wearing green and the ugliest scowl this side of Rosie O’Donnell, Boston Celtics guard Rajon Rondo is universally loathed in every city not spelled B-O-S-T-O-N. And last night, they GOT. IT. ONNNNNNNNN!

The action took place in the second quarter, when Kevin Garnett, guarded by Humphries, took an off-balance shot and ended up on the floor. Rondo didn’t like that very much, so he reacted like an adult and shoved Humphries into the first row of courtside seats. Then, as any mature professional athlete would do, Rondo started scratching and clawing at Humphries while their teammates tried to break it up. Oh, and the Nets won 95-83. That should probably be mentioned.

Go make some popcorn and check out the video after the jump. All it’s missing is Brittney Palmer.

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Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

As we already know, Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and incredibly talented singer, songwriter, actress, diplomat, philanthropist, physician, neurosurgeon girl who appears on random episodes of Drop Dead Diva Kim Kardashian are working together to set the world record for the longest divorce hearing. Expected to last well into next May, the Humpdashian nuptial reversal has already cost Kardashian $250,000 in legal fees, representing $1 for every f*ck that I don’t give about her wealth.

Humphries, on the other hand, is turning the screws because 1) he wants to prove that Kris Jenner and Kardashian are full of sh*t by 2) putting reality TV on trial and 3) exposing them for raking in $17 million from the wedding TV and image rights, while 4) convincing the world that Kardashian never had any intention of staying married to him because she was busy falling in love with Kanye West.

Also, in between all of that nonsense, Humphries has claimed that he doesn’t believe in divorce because it violates his religious beliefs. That’s pretty funny now, too, because his parents are getting divorced. They could probably get divorced, re-marry, and divorce again and still beat their son to the finish line.

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In what can only be described as the most-asinine-but-least-surprising waste of legal resources of the year, the divorce trial between Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and uber-talented entertainment icon famous person Kim Kardashian has taken the most Franklin & Bash turn possible. Humphries’ attorneys have previously stated that they’re putting reality TV on trial to prove that Kardashian simply used him to make $17+ million off their wedding and had no plans of maintaining their marriage beyond her 72-day period of convenience.

And while the rest of us let out a collective, “No sh*t, Sherlock”, Humphries’ team has taken law to the next level by issuing a subpoena to Kardashian’s boyfriend and humble rapper Kanye West, in order to prove that they had something going on while Kardashian was acting like an honest woman. So how did they serve the subpoena? Bro, you’ll never believe this.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce case is getting uglier by the minute. Her estranged husband Kris Humphries tried to serve her new boyfriend, Kanye West, a deposition subpoena — disguised in a Nordstrom box, The Associated Press reports. And the nasty court battle may drag out until May of next year. (Via Fox News)

And then Humphries presumably high-fived his bros and then laughed while snapping his fingers. In case you’re unfamiliar with the details of this generation’s Roe v. Wade, West started a spat with Humphries by “dissing” him in a song.

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