Pre-show notes:

- Thank you guys for always taking a minute out of your day to drop a comment on these reports. I know I bug you about it in the pre-show notes a lot, so even if you just post “good jorb” down there it means a lot to me. Shares on social media are the only way to keep these columns circulating, so make sure you click the “like” button and share this week’s thing on Twitter. If we can get likes and Twitter shares going as reliably as the comments, we’ll really be somewhere. Don’t make me make you Tout again.

- Thanks as always to Casey of Hammerlock Dialectic for gifs. Be on the lookout for another Wrestling GIFs Of The Month special later in the week.

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And now, the Best and Worst Of Raw 1001 (July 30, 2012), no longer lovingly presented by Tout.com.

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"And I was like, 'Toronto? Sorry, wrong number. No Steve Nash here.'"

Depending on whom you ask, the Los Angeles Lakers either just pulled off a fantastic or terrible trade that makes them instant contenders again or just makes them older. Yesterday, the Lakers defiled our nation’s birthday by making the day’s biggest sports news all about a Canadian athlete. The Phoenix Suns have agreed to ship Steve Nash to L.A. for a goodie bag of draft picks and cash.

Specifically, the Suns inked Nash to a 3-year, $27 million extension and will swing him to the Lakeshow for $3 million and four draft picks. The Lakers were able to make the deal happen thanks to that exemption they received from Dallas in the “Lamar Odom’s worthless presence” trade last season.

So what sold Nash, who had interest from a bunch of teams, on this particular deal?

“This is what I call a family values contract,” Nash’s agent Bill Duffy told USA TODAY Sports. “He was seriously considering retiring so he could remain close to his children. We had to twist his arm to have an open mind. He didn’t want to be away from his children, and this allows him to be in a competitive situation, and even though it’s a rival, he wanted Phoenix to get some value back. It’s a win-win.” (Via USA Today)

Added Duffy, “I was all like, ‘Retirement shmetirement, bro. Daddy needs a new beach house in San Diego. Think about others for once, you selfish dick.’ And boom, Lakers.”

Of course once the news broke, so did the dam that keeps all of the Internet’s hyperbole from drowning us. Nash is 38-years old, and he’ll turn 39 in the middle of the 2012-13 season, so can he still be the point guard that Kobe Bryant and the Lakers have desperately craved since Derek Fisher’s age caught up to him?

Let’s speculate and debate and then hug.

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I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?

And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?

Haha, life is fair!

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When Orlando Magic and eventual Brooklyn Nets center Dwight Howard agreed to sign his one-year extension to “let the Magic try to keep him”, a lot of people were pissed off at Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade when he made fun of Howard on Twitter for his overzealous use of the word “loyalty”. But bless their silly hearts, Magic fans – *points to self, frowns* – believed that Howard really was giving his team a shot until they eventually learned that he only signed the deal to avoid a deadline trade to the Los Angeles Lakers. Loyalty indeed.

So imagine the response of the Internets yesterday when people revealed that Adidas and the NBA have been selling a Dwight Howard “Loyalty” t-shirt all along. Yikes, talk about ironic. Even hipsters have a hard time purchasing that t-shirt online, donating it to the Goodwill and then begrudgingly buying it after they “find it” a few days later. But this shirt got me thinking: “What other absurd shirts could the NBA be pumping out to bilk devoted fans out of their hard-earned cash?”

*scratches spot on chin where hair would grow if he could grow facial hair, fires up Photoshop*

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At least it isn’t “Kobe Maybe”. (via Terez Owens)

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Links

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Bill Murray’s 10 Most Internet Bait-able Moments |UPROXX|

The 8 People Every Successful Rapper Needs On The Team |Smoking Section|

5 SF Sitcoms Hollywood Should Adapt Before “ALF” |Gamma Squad|

Colin Cowherd Wants Everyone To Know That New Orleans Is A Terrible City |With Leather|

This Week in Posters & Stills: Dark Knights Will Rise, Lizards Gonna Lizard |Film Drunk|

Tumblr That Pairs ‘Simpsons’ and Movie GIFs Is Groin-Grabbingly Good |Warming Glow|

The Comprehensive Guide To The Best, Most Inspiring Commencement Speeches Of 2012 |UPROXX|

New ‘Community’ Showrunners Already Being Mocked Viciously And Hilariously By A Fake Twitter Account |UPROXX|

The 10 Most Popular Shows of the Season Confirms Your Worst Fears |Warming Glow|

Lupe Fiasco’s Not Too Happy With Pete Rock Right Now |Smoking Section|

Nicole Kidman peed on Zac Efron in Lee Daniels’ new golden shower movie |Film Drunk|

10 Suggestions For ‘Backflips & Beatdowns 3′ |With Leather|

First Clip From ‘Total Recall’ Plus A TV Spot And Trigger Happy Pictures |Gamma Squad|

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Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

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