While pussy-ass English hoolies are limiting themselves to boring old fist-fighting, Serbian hooligans take that extra step towards terrorism and organized crime, as they do things like vandalize their own players’ cars to intimidate them and shove road flares down police officers’ throats.

Uros Misic, 20, assaulted a plain-clothes police officer during Red Star’s home game with Hajduk Kula and was tried for attempted murder by the Belgrade District Court. He inflicted multiple burns on Nebojsa Trajkovic and then tried to force it into his throat, after which the policeman fired gunshots into the air in self-defence…

“This kind of violence has become an epidemic and the legal bodies have to respond appropriately because common citizens can expect no protection if we allow villains to carry out bestial acts against the police,” judge Lazovic said.

Let’s keep in mind that that’s ten years in Serbian prison.  Serbia’s not a happy place. I don’t have too many rules of thumb, but one of them is, “When visiting former Soviet bloc countries torn apart by ethnic divisions and genocidal civil war, try to stay out of prison.”

Word has just gotten out that terrifying black man but incomplete mixed martial arts fighter Kimbo Slice will face 44-year-old MMA legend Ken Shamrock on October 4th for EliteXC on CBS.  And when I say "legend," I mean it in the way-past-his prime, we-should-be using-past-tense sort of way.  Since I'm a fan but not an expert at MMA, I'll leave the analysis to CagePotato:

Ken Shamrock has lost his last five fights by first-round KO/TKO. He has a tendency to get grazed on the chin, drop to the mat with his eyes rolled up in his head, and then immediately pop up to complain when the ref stops the fight. Maybe it’s just bad luck. Maybe he’s more susceptible to flash knockouts than most all MMA fighters. Whatever the case, he shouldn’t be headlining a network television fight card…

It’s as good a time as any to bring up this fun fact: Kimbo’s second EliteXC opponent, Tank Abbott, had lost seven of his past eight fights before stepping into the cage at “Street Certified” in February. James Thompson had lost six of his last eight when he faced Kimbo at “Primetime.” Now, perhaps because Thompson gave Slice more problems than EliteXC had expected, they’re giving him Shamrock, who like Tank, has also lost seven of his last eight. These guys are beyond “jobbers” — they’re woefully unsuccessful.

I can't argue that Kimbo Slice is a compelling figure for the sport, but EliteXC is a dogshit organization.  For what EliteXC is doing for his development as a fighter, Kimbo may as well be working at the state fair or wandering around Oklahoma offering to punch away ranchers' prairie dog problems.

On the eve of the 2005 Auburn-Alabama game, semipro cage fighter Joey Barrett Jr yelled "Roll Tide!" in an Auburn fraternity house, inciting a melee in which he stabbed several people, sending one student to the hospital with a collapsed lung.  Barrett was just sentenced to 18 months in prison — in addition to time for the assaults, he gets bonus months for attempting to bribe a retarded man to take the fall for him, which resulted in a 2006 mistrial.  Bra. VO.

The defense attorney in the 2006 trial told jurors that Louie Holtz, now 40, of Mobile, would admit to get ting caught up in the fight and testify that it was he, not Barrett, who stabbed the fraternity brothers. The judge in the case, however, ordered Holtz to secure counsel, noting that Holtz had previously been declared mentally retarded…

Because the jurors had already heard that someone else was going to admit to the stabbings, however, the judge declared a mistrial… Investigation into the case continued, eventually revealing that Barrett had offered Holtz a car in exchange for taking the heat on the assault charges.

A car?  Dude, that's way overboard.  You can bribe a retard by promising them a stapler or an orange.  Er, not that I'd know.  That's just what I've heard.  From unsavory people I barely met and didn't like.

[The Sporting Blog] 

Disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced to 15 months in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison today for his role in the gambling "scandal" that NBA fans can still watch every day during the regular season and playoffs.  Commissioner David Stern offered his sincerest words on the subject:

"We anticipate that the judge's sentencing decision… will enable us to continue with the improvements we are making to our anti-gambling rules, policies and procedures," Stern said Tuesday.

"There is little comfort to be gained from the mandatory prison sentence, especially as it affects Mr. Donaghy's children and their mother, but hopefully the healing process can begin in earnest for all."

Oh yeah, Stern's all about the healing.  Perhaps there's not much comfort to be gained from Donaghy's sentence… but there's plenty of dollars to be won!  Hey Tim, Stern's got 5 grand on you getting shivved on Day 3.  If you can avoid any stabbings from crude knives fashioned from chicken bones until then, there's a five percent cut in it for you.

No one I know disputes the argument that Kimbo Slice has lead fists and doesn't feel pain.  But on CBS's presentation of EliteXC on Saturday night, the title "Kimbo Slice, Serious MMA Professional" seemed like a stretch, as the usual knocks on Slice — subpar aerobic fitness, no ground game — haunted him during his headline match against James Thompson.

The video above (from FanIQ) is of Round 3, when Slice scores his TKO by opening up the rotted fruit of Thompson's cauliflower ear, then scoring four straight blows to Thompson's face that left the Colossus dazed.  Don't listen to Gus Johnson's accusation that the fight was waved off prematurely — Thompson's glazed eyes show that his brain was all, "That's it, I'm outta here.  I'll let you know when we have Alzheimer's." 

In perhaps an unfair twist, Slice and his titanium skull were able to withstand two minutes of elbows and punches to the head while pinned against the cage during Round 2 — without suffering a cut.  He's still not ready for UFC, but military scientists would like to clone his DNA.

Make no mistake: Kimbo Slice has a long way to go before he can even step in the ring with a bona fide UFC fighter, but that doesn't mean that a huge, ripped black man with an unkempt beard and devastating fists isn't terrifying.  I wouldn't go anywhere near him without pepper spray and mace.  This mace.

Anyway, here he is in last weekend's Elite XC fight against Tank Abbott, which may or may not be the stage name of Bam Margera's father.

[The Sporting Blog]