Miami Dolphins running back Reggie Bush is not only coming off of the 1,000-rushing yard season that critics told him he’d never have in the NFL, but he’s also enjoying a nice 2012 campaign with 417 rushing yards through 5 games, which has him ranked 10th in the league and just 2 yards behind Ray Rice. To add to that fun, Bush has announced that he and his girlfriend, Lilit Avagyan, are having a child and he couldn’t be happier.

And then somewhere, in the deepest reaches of Hades, Kris Jenner slammed down her gauntlet of stem cells and screamed, “NOT ON MY WATCH!”

Though Kardashian and Bush ended their three-year relationship in 2010, and the reality star has gone on to marry, file for divorce and find another boyfriend, a source close to her alleges she’s upset over the pregnancy rumors, as Reggie was “the true love of her life” and secretly hoped they would one day be together.

The source claims that Kim feels it’s a “slap in the face” that Reggie would consider having a child with Avagyan, because he didn’t want to start a family with her, as he believed she was too caught up in fame and her reality series. (Via the HuffPo)

Also, I really enjoyed the USA Today’s “No sh*t, Sherlock” headline: “Reggie Bush is headed for parenthood but not with Kim Kardashian”. Man, that’s some fun obviousness. So why the hell should this even matter to Kardashian if she’s so happy with Kanye West? Let’s fire up the rumor machine.

Read the rest of this entry »

Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

As we already know, Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and incredibly talented singer, songwriter, actress, diplomat, philanthropist, physician, neurosurgeon girl who appears on random episodes of Drop Dead Diva Kim Kardashian are working together to set the world record for the longest divorce hearing. Expected to last well into next May, the Humpdashian nuptial reversal has already cost Kardashian $250,000 in legal fees, representing $1 for every f*ck that I don’t give about her wealth.

Humphries, on the other hand, is turning the screws because 1) he wants to prove that Kris Jenner and Kardashian are full of sh*t by 2) putting reality TV on trial and 3) exposing them for raking in $17 million from the wedding TV and image rights, while 4) convincing the world that Kardashian never had any intention of staying married to him because she was busy falling in love with Kanye West.

Also, in between all of that nonsense, Humphries has claimed that he doesn’t believe in divorce because it violates his religious beliefs. That’s pretty funny now, too, because his parents are getting divorced. They could probably get divorced, re-marry, and divorce again and still beat their son to the finish line.

Read the rest of this entry »

In what can only be described as the most-asinine-but-least-surprising waste of legal resources of the year, the divorce trial between Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and uber-talented entertainment icon famous person Kim Kardashian has taken the most Franklin & Bash turn possible. Humphries’ attorneys have previously stated that they’re putting reality TV on trial to prove that Kardashian simply used him to make $17+ million off their wedding and had no plans of maintaining their marriage beyond her 72-day period of convenience.

And while the rest of us let out a collective, “No sh*t, Sherlock”, Humphries’ team has taken law to the next level by issuing a subpoena to Kardashian’s boyfriend and humble rapper Kanye West, in order to prove that they had something going on while Kardashian was acting like an honest woman. So how did they serve the subpoena? Bro, you’ll never believe this.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce case is getting uglier by the minute. Her estranged husband Kris Humphries tried to serve her new boyfriend, Kanye West, a deposition subpoena — disguised in a Nordstrom box, The Associated Press reports. And the nasty court battle may drag out until May of next year. (Via Fox News)

And then Humphries presumably high-fived his bros and then laughed while snapping his fingers. In case you’re unfamiliar with the details of this generation’s Roe v. Wade, West started a spat with Humphries by “dissing” him in a song.

Read the rest of this entry »

People are stupid. That’s obviously a running theme around here, but the thing is that celebrities know that people are stupid. Even stupid celebrities know that people are stupid, because that’s how those morons are even famous in the first place. Fortunately for those stupid celebrities, they’re surrounded by people who want to make money off of them, and they’re smart enough to understand the 15 Minutes concept. And that’s the reason why the greatest 14:59 marketing push has always been the celebrity exercise video.

Celebrities are usually in great shape because they have teams of trainers and dieticians that help them around the clock, because if Kim Kardashian didn’t have people helping her, she’d be more ass than a donkey farm. Marketing teams, though, know that they can capitalize off of the public’s stupidity by letting us believe that celebrities just have some inside knowledge on what it takes to keep it tight. They don’t. But that won’t stop them from profiting.

Read the rest of this entry »

With the 2012 Summer Olympics wrapped up and the NFL season still a few weeks away, the standard summer sports boredom that we all suffer has been lessened to some extent – unless you like baseball and America. But slow news day and all, I’ve been a little distracted by this video that was Tweeted out by comedienne Jenny Johnson over the weekend. It appears that Kim Kardashian isn’t the only talentless woman in her family with dreams of pop music superstardom based on the low expectations and poor taste of this great country.

At some point in the 1980s, the Kardashian matriarch, Kris Jenner, decided to give singing a try in a video that she recorded to honor of all her famous friends. It was basically a VHS lesson in name-dropping. And right there in the middle of the whole, terrifying butchering of a Randy Newman classic is O.J. Simpson, the reason that we even have these wretched fame leeches in the first place.

As always, I watched it, so you get to watch it now. Fair is fair, friends.

Read the rest of this entry »