Last week, we brought you news that Kanye West had announced during his concert in Atlantic City that he had indeed conceived a child in the maternal dungeon that is Kim Kardashian’s womb. And, of course, the sports-related part of that story is that Kardashian is still married to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, so I vaguely speculated that this development could have a huge impact on the couple’s neverending divorce proceedings that are already costing them millions of dollars.

As it turns out, we almost – almost – had a contender for the most ridiculously amazing story of the year, thanks to California paternity laws.

They’ve been separated for more than a year, but that don’t matter much in California, where the husband of a pregnant woman is PRESUMED to be the father.

Translation — Kris Humphries has the edge going in as Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy. If he were to lay claim to the kid, Kim and Kanye would have to present “clear and convincing evidence” to a judge that Kanye did the dirty. (Via TMZ)

Unfortunately, as awesome as it would be to see Humphries proclaim, “Hurrr, that’s my kid now” and force Kardashian and Kanye to publically describe their sexual conquest – I’m sure there’s a tape – it turns out that the rule isn’t that simple. Humphries and Kardashian would have to actually be living together in order for him to stake his derpy claim to the child.

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Great.

There was a rumor earlier this year that Kim Kardashian was pregnant with Kanye West’s baby, but everyone in her camp of evil harpies denied it because it would have meant that she had been sleeping with West while she was still “happily married” to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and then he could have taken her to court and shouted, “Hurrrrr, pay up, derp.” Well now it’s official – Kardashian is indeed preggers, as West announced the conception of the antichrist at his concert in Atlantic City last night.

West delivered the news to a crowd of 5,000 at the casino hotel’s Ovation Hall in song form: “Now you having my baby.”

The 35-year-old West told concertgoers to congratulate his “baby mom” and that this was the “most amazing thing” as the crowd roared

Kardashian confirmed the news a few hours later on her official site. (Via the New York Daily News)

And then somewhere, while perched atop her throne of devoured skulls, Kris Jenner shouted, “DAMN YOU, KANYE! THAT NEWS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD!” Then she rescheduled Kendall’s upcoming photoshoot with Penthouse, probably.

So what, then, does this mean for Humphries’ divorce, which has already famously cost a ton of money, as it has dragged on longer than his actual marriage to the woman who rose to fame for being Paris Hilton’s friend before releasing an amateur sex tape with Brandy’s brother and now pretends to be ashamed of that video even though she’s created an empire that endears toxic behavior and success without merit? *deep breath*

For an expert opinion, I turned to With Leather’s foremost legal authority, Danger Guerrero, who responded with this official insight…

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Last week we announced (exclusively, I’m going to claim) that somewhat-socialite Kim Kardashian had gotten engaged to New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, a guy with the same name as her mother. A few days later, we didn’t report that Kim’s fantastic engagement ring looked a heck of a lot like the one she bought a few years ago, when she was trying to convince people that she was getting married to Reggie Bush. Well, now it may shock you to find out that Kim is pregnant, and the story is only available in OK!

Which is weird, because I thought the story would only be available in Not OK. Here’s analysis from E!, and an article titled “So True? So False? Is Kim Kardashian Pregnant?” because E! lets iCarly write all of their headlines.

The shocker was delivered via OK! magazine—which blares on its new Kim-centric cover: “I’m Having a Baby!”—and features quotes from an unnamed “pal” saying, “Kim always thought she’d have at least one or two kids by now, so she’s absolutely in a hurry…Her friends are even taking bets on whether it will be a boy or a girl.”

So is she really having a baby? We’ve spoken to our very own Kardashian insider (someone extemely close to the family, if you catch our drift) and we’re proclaiming the Kim-with-child story to be…

So false!

I proclaim this piece to be….

So informative!

If Kim is really pregnant, good for her, and I know exactly what I’m going to get her for her baby shower. A set of dish rags. Wait, did you think that was the set up for a joke? Dish rags are great, and they come in handy when you need to wipe things up in the kitchen. Also, for a woman with a fake face and a fake ass who stars on a fake TV show about her fake family and lies about literally everything that happens in her life (I don’t have a sex tape, Ray J’s lying!, etc.) and is fake pregnant and fake engaged to a guy who plays for a fake NBA team, dish rags are real, and might send her into an existential psychosis.

Or, you know, she could use them to wipe up in the kitchen.