It looks like the incredibly drawn out and ridiculously expensive divorce hearing between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian is finally coming to an end. K-Hump and the Devil’s Baby Bump could settle as early as today – with TMZ leaking that it has already been settled, pending an announcement in court – avoiding their trial that was set to begin on May 6 and would cost California taxpayers even more money than it already has. To date, both jilted lovers have spent north of $300,000 in lawyer fees, because they’re both clearly idiots.

But because Humphries may have done irreparable damage to his own case last week by failing to appear at a mandatory mediation session, the end could be nigh. Just in time for Humphries to watch the Brooklyn Nets take on the Chicago Bulls in the first round of the NBA playoffs from that comfy seat that he earned on the bench.

Like most good divorces, though, this one comes down to money.

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Wednesday night’s blowout victory over the Dallas Mavericks marked the eighth-consecutive game that Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries has watched from the bench. On that night, K-Hump was scratched from the game at the last second because of a nagging back injury, but it’s important to note that despite being benched recently, he is still showing that winning in his No. 1 priority.

On Tuesday, Humphries’ wife, Kim Kardashian, was deposed for nine hours by his attorneys as she told her side of the story in their seemingly neverending divorce proceedings. Except Humphries, who vowed to be there, as part of his quest to expose her as a fraud who never loved him and only wanted money, decided that practice and being with the team is more important. That is, unless it’s for a playoff game.

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It’s been a pretty crappy year for Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, between being benched and the fact that he’s currently working toward the world record for longest divorce in history. By the time this thing is wrapped up, Kris Jenner will already be fitting Kim Kardashian’s daughter for fishnets for her date with one of David Beckham’s boys.

But the news is finally looking good for K-Hump, who can never actually complain about anything after the sweetheart contract he signed with the Nets in the offseason, as a producer from Keeping Up with the Kardashians has testified that the 72-day marriage was – GASP! – pretty f*cking fake. Well, at least the end of it was.

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If the NBA Playoffs started today, there would probably be a bunch of pissed off season ticket holders who would be like, “Yo, WTF, there are still 30 games left!” and then David Stern would laugh like a madman and throw lightning bolts at children. But it would also mean that the Brooklyn Nets would have the No. 4 seed in the Eastern Conference and a very intense first round matchup with the Chicago Bulls. The good news, though, is that the playoffs don’t start today.

Because the NBA Playoffs start on April 20, the bad news for Nets fans, if they choose to believe it, is that the long-awaited Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian divorce hearing will finally begin on May 6, and the most trusted source in NBA, marital and legal news is reporting that K-Hump would completely f*ck his team over just to finally prove that Kardashian married him for fraudulent reasons, thus exposing her as a fabricated, opportunistic fame monger and totally shocking the one person on Earth who didn’t already know this.

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Last week, we brought you news that Kanye West had announced during his concert in Atlantic City that he had indeed conceived a child in the maternal dungeon that is Kim Kardashian’s womb. And, of course, the sports-related part of that story is that Kardashian is still married to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, so I vaguely speculated that this development could have a huge impact on the couple’s neverending divorce proceedings that are already costing them millions of dollars.

As it turns out, we almost – almost – had a contender for the most ridiculously amazing story of the year, thanks to California paternity laws.

They’ve been separated for more than a year, but that don’t matter much in California, where the husband of a pregnant woman is PRESUMED to be the father.

Translation — Kris Humphries has the edge going in as Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy. If he were to lay claim to the kid, Kim and Kanye would have to present “clear and convincing evidence” to a judge that Kanye did the dirty. (Via TMZ)

Unfortunately, as awesome as it would be to see Humphries proclaim, “Hurrr, that’s my kid now” and force Kardashian and Kanye to publically describe their sexual conquest – I’m sure there’s a tape – it turns out that the rule isn’t that simple. Humphries and Kardashian would have to actually be living together in order for him to stake his derpy claim to the child.

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Great.

There was a rumor earlier this year that Kim Kardashian was pregnant with Kanye West’s baby, but everyone in her camp of evil harpies denied it because it would have meant that she had been sleeping with West while she was still “happily married” to Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries and then he could have taken her to court and shouted, “Hurrrrr, pay up, derp.” Well now it’s official – Kardashian is indeed preggers, as West announced the conception of the antichrist at his concert in Atlantic City last night.

West delivered the news to a crowd of 5,000 at the casino hotel’s Ovation Hall in song form: “Now you having my baby.”

The 35-year-old West told concertgoers to congratulate his “baby mom” and that this was the “most amazing thing” as the crowd roared

Kardashian confirmed the news a few hours later on her official site. (Via the New York Daily News)

And then somewhere, while perched atop her throne of devoured skulls, Kris Jenner shouted, “DAMN YOU, KANYE! THAT NEWS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD!” Then she rescheduled Kendall’s upcoming photoshoot with Penthouse, probably.

So what, then, does this mean for Humphries’ divorce, which has already famously cost a ton of money, as it has dragged on longer than his actual marriage to the woman who rose to fame for being Paris Hilton’s friend before releasing an amateur sex tape with Brandy’s brother and now pretends to be ashamed of that video even though she’s created an empire that endears toxic behavior and success without merit? *deep breath*

For an expert opinion, I turned to With Leather’s foremost legal authority, Danger Guerrero, who responded with this official insight…

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