I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.
The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.
Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.
I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.
