Brian McCann waited on second base for a sign, and when the umpires came out of their little replay cave, he got it–the twirly finger signal for a home run. McCann hit the first-ever walkoff shot to come under the scrutiny of instant replay, which triggered an odd comparison with Little League baseball. The princes of pubescence have had their own replay system in place for their Little League World Series: one that seems ridiculously practical and efficient.

Each coach can challenge any one call – that’s ONE call – and the umpire goes to a replay screen behind the grandstands underneath home plate to take a look at the play. It’s a pretty quick process, and if the coach is right, the play is reversed, and the coach keeps the right to challenge another play later if he or she chooses. If the umpire’s original call was correct, then the coach is out of challenges. –Scott Kendrick/About.com

Having said all of that, the Little League doesn’t belong on TV. Children should be seen on “America’s Got Talent” and not heard. Ever. If Whitney Houston could see the state of children today, she’d be spinning in her grave. What’s that? She’s still alive? Are you sure?

ASYLUM POLL: Should MLB expand instant replay?

I’m the last person on earth that would advocate violence perpetrated against children (publicly, at least), but there’s something about this story that strikes me as hilarious. Parents in a Fayetteville, Arkansas community are suing a church for allegedly forcing children to punch each other while in their care. Of course it isn’t quite as funny when you put it that way.

The parents of six children are seeking resolution alleging that the day care inside had turned into a fight club.

According to the lawsuit filed Friday, children as young as 3 were forced to play a game called “Ring of Fire,” where they were taught to punch each other in the face, chest or stomach until one child cried.
In the lawsuit, their parents claim that their children had come home with bruises — something other parents can’t even imagine.

“We are disappointed that the parents had chosen to take this step. It is now in the hands of attorneys, and we will let this play out,” said Brian Swain, church administrator.–40/29 TV, via ShareBros Spencer + Jack.

The parents were tipped off when some of the kids came home with bruises, which totally could have been explained by harmless roughhousing or church-sanctioned sodomy. As it stands now, no criminal charges have been filed, which is too bad, because I see Pedo Bear having potential as an awesome character witness. More kid fighting and awesome parenting in a video after the jump, just for you. And everyone else reading this. Read the rest of this entry »

The Yankees spend a week every year doing something called HOPE week, where they spend a week trying to do good deeds for sad little children as part of a community outreach program to give back for being the most evil franchise in modern sporting history. The first party thrown was for little Jorge Grajales. Unfortunately for him and some poor patsy in the Yankees’ community outreach planning department, it was a pool party and he’s a quadruple amputee. What’re they going to do, pretend to have fun in the pool as he wistfully looks at their moving appendages in sadness? At least he gets to ogle girlfriend breasts, eh?

Mariano Rivera, Nick Swisher, Brett Gardner, Dustin Moseley, Kevin Long and Mike Harkey surprised 13-year-old quadruple amputee Jorge Grajales with a pool party in New Jersey.

Jorge and his foster parents, John and Faye Dyksen, live in North Haledon. Family friends hosted the pool party, where the Yankees players and coaches surprised Jorge. The group of friends and family will be invited to tonight’s game at Yankee Stadium where Jorge will throw out the first pitch. -LoHude Yankees Blog

They’re going to make him sit at his own pool party from a wheelchair then make him throw a baseball with no arms?! What kind of sick twisted torture program is this, anyway?! Ashton Kutcher, is that you?

When commenter cum laude Upstate Underdog sent in this blog post with the headline, “Angels Promotion ‘Steal 3rd’ Begins with 11-Year-Old Breaking his Arm,” I laughed my ass off, mainly because I’m a detriment to humanity. But this kid whose name is inexplicably Beecher Halliday, put me in my place. After breaking his arm on the first few steps to third base from left field, he gets up and keeps running.

Let’s recap: a sixth-grader BREAKS HIS ARM IN FRONT OF 30,000 PEOPLE, only to get up and keep running. Beecher, it’s people like you that add to humanity all of those things that I take away. Video evidence of Beecher’s testicular fortitude awaits you after the jump. I salute you, young sir who stole his name from a porno western movie. Good luck in puberty, not that you’ll need it. Read the rest of this entry »

Last Tuesday the world was introduced to a video of two hockey tykes preparing to enter the arena of epic ice battles, only to be puck-blocked by a goodie-two-shoes hockey mom. Millions of people watched in awe as these pint-sized Georges Laraques dropped their gloves, cast sportsmanship aside and attempted to settle their differences like men, despite, of course, being teammates. Turns out they were just messing around. Jerks.

J.J. Mazza and Etnie Rosenbaum play league ice hockey in South Florida (ed. – Doesn’t everyone?) and were promptly invited to join the Florida Panthers at practice after their little faux tussle for a “Root Beer Summit,” emulating President Barack Obama’s “Beer Summit” that he held with a police sergeant and college professor that weren’t getting along. Panthers star David Booth joined the kids for a few lessons in sportsmanship, class, behaving like gentlemen, and, I’m guessing, taking out the late morning groupie poon.

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As someone who has often volunteered with youth sports leagues, I’m a huge proponent of teaching sportsmanship at an early age. But sometimes when I’m hitting on hot moms, I fail to keep my eye on the action and the kids can get a bit heated. I would never necessarily endorse violence in youth sports (unless my congressman finally passes my bill to legalize Extreme Newborn Cagefighting) but in some cases you just have to respect style.

Take, for instance, these little Marty McSorleys. Despite obviously being on the same team, they’ve had enough of each others’ antics. Mazza clearly means business as he eyes his prey, and when he’s done with the scare tactics, it’s time for the gloves to come off. “Prepare to eat your teeth,” I imagine he yells before raising his tiny ham fist to crash down on his teammate’s cranium. But then mom has to ruin the fun for everyone. Aw, mom!

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