I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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Just leave the poor guy alone to get shot by sex arrows and masturbate with his Jesus stripper pole. (On a serious note, how amazing is the “click like if you think Tim Tebow mastrubates” request?)

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Links

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Dogs that Look Like ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters |Warming Glow|

Here Are A Bunch Of Dogs Getting Freaked Out By The ‘Dexter’ Theme Song |UPROXX|

Society Hits New Low: Ke$ha Tweets Photo of Herself Pissing On the Street |UPROXX|

Kobe’s Advice To Blake Griffin: “I’d Smack The F*** Out Of Somebody” |Smoking Section|

An Incomplete Guide to “Quoth the Raven” puns in reviews of The Raven |Film Drunk|

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One of the great blessings of my life is that I was a child before digital cameras and a teenager before YouTube. That means there are not 500 pictures of me naked in the bathtub on my Mom’s Facebook page, and that every dumb thing I decided to do on video wasn’t publicly archived for the enjoyment of the world. YouTube user DaftTonks seems to enjoy filming herself singing Ke$ha songs, and while there is nothing inherently wrong with that, her Boston Bruins-themed parody of “We R Who We R” has just exploded onto the Internet with exactly the right mix of bad singing, bad ideas, and fat kids.

I urge you to avoid the HEY TEENAGE BITCH HIT THE SALAD BAR YOU BITCH thing YouTube commenters have a tendency to do, and instead focus on the true star of the video, a kid identified only as “Antony.” Antony steals the show with his Biggie Smalls-style flow, and I think he’d be our next breakout Internet star if DaftTonks had bothered to sync up their performance to the music. The rushed, bated-breath tone of the song certainly hurts its impact. A wag of the finger to the producer!

But yeah, I’m pretty happy to be a guy struggling for success online instead of someone thrust into it against his will. I just want to be Brandon, not “Bruins Kid” or “hockey song fail girl.” At least now I know who to root for in the Stanley Cup Finals.

[H/T Buzzfeed]