Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

Are we sure the dad didn’t beat his son for playing hopscotch? According to reports, a Kentucky teacher (who probably has insider information about the eventual inclusion of hopscotch as an Olympic event) allegedly whupped his son for hopscotching at nowhere close to optimum performance levels. Now if you think about it, the dad may actually be looking out for his son in this situation.  Where do YOU think all of the elementary school girls hang out, dodgeball and four square? Great hopscotching fundamentals is key to getting laid in elementary school. Trust me, I…didn’t hopscotch much.

A middle-school teacher faces a felony abuse charge after Boone County Sheriff’s Office investigators allege he beat his 5-year-old son with a belt on the Fourth of July “because the boy was not playing hopscotch to his satisfaction.” Christopher Robison, 46, of Union, is facing a Class C felony criminal abuse charge.

The incident occurred around 3 p.m. at Robison’s home and caused “severe bruising” to his son, according to Scheben.

“He is suspended pending an internal investigation,” Poe said. “We need to find out more information.” -NKY

THIS IS THE FOURTH OF JULY, DAMMIT! MAKE YOUR NATION PROUD! Would George Washington half-ass it at hopscotch!? You’re hitting all the lines! I was a 3rd-team all county linebacker as a senior and I create this dreck of a son!?!? Heaven knows how horrible you’re going to be at jumping rope!

BUT WAIT! You haven’t heard Robison’s side of the story. According to him this is all a ruse by his ex-wife to make him look like an abusive imbecile who’s obsessed with success at playground games. Read the rest of this entry »