The synopsis for this ‘Conan’ highlight tells you everything you need to know:

“Orb” is a cool name for a racehorse. “Timothy’s Weak Erection” is not.

Conan put together a list of lower-stakes racehorse names, and the results include Tim’s sexual problems, an O.J. Simpson reference and my personal favorite, “Disturbing German Pornography.” The Kentucky Derby is the worst, so a big thank you goes out to Conan O’Brien for giving me something to laugh about. The clip, courtesy of Team Coco, is after the jump.

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Creepy floating heads edition.

When I’m wrong, I’m the first to admit that I was wrong. And boy did the NBA’s defending champs make me look like a fool. Last week, I predicted that no team would be swept from the NBA Playoffs last week, and to make matters worse, I boasted that it was a sucker’s prediction because only one team had the possibility of sweeping its opponent through Saturday, and that was the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I thought for sure that Dirk Nowitzki and Co. would show some scrap and claw back for one win. Wrong.

Oh well, I never said that the prediction machine was a perfect beast, but it’s close to perfect, because I was right about everything else, including the winner of the Kentucky Derby*. And that builds enough confidence for me to move forward with another round of brilliant sports predictions.

*I did not pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby in last week’s post, but I was totally like, “Oh yeah, bros, I pick I’ll Have Another.”

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(Note: This is the closest I will ever come to writing about horse racing, at least until the next time somebody guns down a horse on the track and I have to type WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE WHY DO YOU ENJOY THIS. Also, I won’t be covering dog racing, fox hunting, chicken choking or organized whale punching. Actually, I take that back, if Reggie Bush talks about choking his chicken on Twitter I will probably write about that.)

Sports

Tom Brady Trolls the Kentucky Derby - Tom Brady is either the coolest Eddie Blake mother-effer walking the Earth or a complete nerd idiot. I hope he shows up to next year’s Kentucky Derby in one of those two-person horse costumes and shouts to people about how he thought it was a masquerade ball. Gisele Bundchen can be the ass part of the horse. [KSK]

10 Things to Do On Sundays If There Is No Football - “Help around the house. JUST KIDDING” is funny, but “watch MLS soccer” is the one that hits closest to home. My friends are systematically trying to get me into soccer, and I’m peacefully trying to follow my routine of not enjoying something until five years after everyone’s gotten over it. I’m going to get into Scrubs in about a year and a half (haha no I’m not) – [Pineriders]

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The Kentucky Derby was on Saturday, despite inclement weather for most of the day. The Derby doesn’t seem like much of a sporting event as opposed to an excuse for women to dress ridiculously for something that only lasts two minutes. Ladies, if that’s what you’re looking for, I could last at least two and a half.

Anyway, Super Saver, one of four horses entered by Todd Pletcher, is your winner. It’s the third Derby in four years that the winning horse was mounted by noted jockey Calvin Borel. Don’t expect Borel to get any endorsements, though. The freaking horse did all the work.

Borel gave Super Saver a magnificent ride, guiding him along the rail for over a mile, saving ground all the way, before edging out slightly at the top of the stretch to take the lead. With 20 horses, the Derby can often be a bumpy affair, especially in the first turn. But Super Saver seemed to be running in a race of his own, clear of his competitors by several lengths either way. –Mark Beech/SI.com.

And then there was Glen Fullerton, who won a contest that gave him $100,000 to bet on any horse in the field. And obviously, nobody would give a damn about this story if Fullerton hadn’t picked Super Saver, at 9-1 odds. Nice work, Glen. Read the rest of this entry »

I actually watched the race in a bar, so I credit USA Today TV columnist Michael Hiestand for catching the fact that NBC’s race announcer missed Mine That Bird sneaking along the rail to win the 135th Kentucky Derby:

NBC race caller Tom Durkin, who has called more than 60,000 races, seemed to be caught flatfooted by 50-1 longshot Mine That Bird’s stretch run.

Durkin didn’t call the eventual winner’s inside charge — which, on replays, showed the value of NBC’s overhead cameras — and made only his second mention of the horse when Mine That Bird had a three-length lead. He always mentions each horse early in the race.

Also, betting was down slightly at the track and elsewhere, perhaps because the awesomely-named early favorite I Want Revenge scratched because of a leg injury. Only two more horse races to care about this year. Or one, if Mine That Bird decides to lose the Preakness or break his leg.

What happens when you merge NASCAR with the sport of kings? Magic, my friends. Oh, and two horses colliding during a warmup on the Churchill Downs racetrack. I gave this a closer look and I swear I saw glue squirt out from the impact. I’m assuming that was the magic part.

I understand that now they’ll be posting signs near the track to better enforce traffic, but horses cannot read. They are horses. Those signs will not be read to them.

Thanks to Vince for thinking of us.