When it comes to Christmas and birthday cards, I’ve always been a lot like Jerry Seinfeld in the sense that I’ve never known how long you’re supposed to keep a card for. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper with something already written on it, and then your mom’s or a hot Asian model’s signature. But just to be safe, I now have a box of cards that I keep in my home office (AKA the Fart Factory) in case one of my insane relatives ever calls and demands to see whatever Snoopy joke they sent me in 2002. And now I just want to scratch my name out and send all of those cards to 9-year old Dalton Dingus in Kentucky.

Dalton is dying from cystic fibrosis and his one wish is to break the Guinness World Record for receiving the most Christmas cards. It started as something with his family, friends and neighbors, but then, as always, the Internet went to work. Excuse me while I set the world record for most allergic reactions.

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From time to time, sports mascots will “fight.” It’s usually in the form of the Phillie Phanatic taking big, Curly-from-The-Three-Stooges wind-ups and knocking out a Mr. Met lookalike or whoever, and it’s all in good fun. When one of the mascots shows up to the comedy fight trying to dropkick the other, it becomes a for-real living Muppet shootfight.

Yet that’s precisely what rabid prep basketball fans in Kentucky received on Tuesday night, when Louisville’s crosstown rivalry between Louisville (Kent.) Male High and Louisville (Kent.) DuPont Manual High devolved into a massive brouhaha between the two teams’ mascots. (via Prep Rally)

As you can see from the video after the jump (forgive the vertical video syndrome and the guy getting so into the fight that he just films the armpits of the people around him), the ram mascot figures out the combination to the bulldog’s throwdown vault, and the two pretty much hockey fight. You can only hurt the other guy so much when you’re haymakering a big foam head, but they’re really going at it.

Check it out:

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I like the part where he says he’s excited. (via Buzzfeed)

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Links

Question Of The Day: Can Anyone Stop Kentucky In The Final Four? - Where have you gone, Christian Laettner, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo. [Smoking Section]

Is the UFC’s Fox Deal Hurting Business? - MMA will officially be pro wrestling when its top stars have to fight each other to protect THIS BUSINESS~. [CagePotato]

The 2011 A1W 100: Meet Your Voters and Others Receiving Votes - The list hasn’t been revealed yet, but I sent in a ballot, so you’ll see my esoteric taste eventually. Feel free to fall in love with Veda Scott (pictured, but not on the list) now, before she becomes super famous. [The Wrestling Blog]

Youtube Appreciation: Ratatouille the Snowboarding Opossum - Editor Americus Matt Ufford shows some love for our favorite extreme rodent. Also, I am so awesome at Latin. [SBN]

Watching This Abandoned Blind Dog’s Rescue And Recovery Video Will Absolutely Slay You - The first time I’ve ever cried at an Avril Lavigne song. Be nice to animals. [UPROXX]

The ‘Mad Men’ Cast Gets ‘Archer’-Ized - The only way this mash-up could be more appealing to the UPROXX network is if Kate Upton and Alison Brie had become the same lady. [UPROXX]

Worst Trek Episode Ever: The Bracket Begins - Do the movies count? Because Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is the worst piece of sh*t movie ever. [Gamma Squad]

Donna D’Erico Is On The Hunt For Noah’s Ark - Almost as cool as the time Yasmine Bleeth died searching for the Holy Grail. [Warming Glow]

Worst Anti-Piracy Ad Ever - Worth it for the YOU WOULDN’T DOWNLOAD A BEAR graphic. I will be dead in the cold, cold ground before I pay for even one moment of Battleship. [Film Drunk]

Breaking Dawn — Part 2 Teaser: Bella Gets Laid, Becomes Beautiful Eternal Monster Who Eats Bambi - And speaking of terrible movies, eventually we’re gonna run out of YA novels and sad grown-ups are gonna have to find something else to do. [Pajiba]

You Can Now Buy the ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ Song From the ‘Mad Men’ Season Five Premiere - I liked it better when I thought it was called ‘Zooby Zooby Zoo’. [The FW]

Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

That’s not a guy in a spandex bodysuit, it’s a robot. I promise.

Sports

The Best and Worst of ACW Queen of Queens - I try to keep pro wrestling coverage on With Leather mainstream and infrequent, so in case you’re the type who wants to read more, head over to TH’s The Wrestling Blog and read my extremely, extremely truncated Best and Worst of this weekend’s awesome Anarchy San Antonio show. [The Wrestling Blog]

Hermes Franca’s Statement From Jail - Hopefully his statement is “I look like Hermes from Futurama in a wig”. Maybe he committed sexual assault with a limbo? Regardless, he reads like MMA’s Sammy Sosa, and that’s always fun. [Cage Potato]

John Calipari: College Basketball’s Frank Abagnale - “The people of Kentucky have embraced our family as one of their own and we love being here and there is no other place we’d rather be.” Kentucky embracing your family can only lead to horrible things, just so you know. [Pineriders]

Minor League Team Wears Twitter-Themed Jerseys - The IronPigs are the team that accidentally line-drived the Phillie Phanatic in his neck, so of COURSE they’re the team that mocks up and wears Twitter jerseys. I hope one of the players had to play an entire double-header with @HOTBOY69Z on his back. [SBN]

Not Sports

The Chick from Doctor Who Likes to Party - Man, who knew a drop dead gorgeous, famous actress would like to get plastered and f**k around without consequences? I hope we get a “Hipster Doctor Who Loves Looking Like Frisky Dingo” follow-up story. [Warming Glow]

Warner Still Planning Green Lantern Sequel - Of course they are. I’m the nerd who waited in line for a midnight showing of all three Spider-Man movies and even I’m sick of all these comic book things. Give me an Inhumans movie (preferably written by me) and maybe something about the Silver Surfer that doesn’t involve Jessica Alba, then stop making them forever. [Film Drunk]

8-Bit Fashion - I think Ufford said it best when he wrote “Want to look stupid?” after this link. I would add “Want to get stomped by an Italian day-laborer? Wear these clothes, hold a turtle, and walk around in the sewers”. [Gamma Squad]

The Best Celebrity Twitter Reactions to New York’s Gay Marriage Bill - New York Giants receiver David Tyree was forced to give back his Super Bowl victory and the East Coast of the United States has plunged into a Hellish anarchy, but check out what celebrities on Twitter thought about human beings being treated like humans in real life. [Uproxx]