UFC legend Ken Shamrock punching a woman in a California mall because he thought she was a man is the most ‘Family Guy’ thing a real person has ever done.

Her name is Melinda Garcia … she weighs 120 pounds … and tells TMZ there’s NO WAY Shamrock could’ve confused her for a man. In fact, she claims Ken is straight up LYING about the fight.

We broke the story … Shamrock claims he was breaking up a girl-on-girl brawl in a mall in Modesto, CA earlier this month when someone jumped on his back. Shamrock claims he believed the person was a man, so he took “him” down. Turns out … “he” was actually a “she.”

But Garcia claims it’s all BS … claiming Shamrock didn’t actually break up the original fight, but rather screamed at her to do it … which she did. (via TMZ Sports)

Harry Knowles elipses and RANDOM CAPITAL LETTERS aside, this is one of those stories that turns into a men versus women thing where half the people online don’t think a woman should be punched even if she stabbed you in the heart because women are the “fairer sex” and the other half doing the annoying “make me a sandwich” thing shitty assholes do because women aren’t people and nobody reports the most basic truth: you should try really hard to not hit anybody.

Of course, nobody gets punched these days without jumping on the Internet to tell everyone about it, so who knows what really happened? The wrestling fan in me wants to think Shamrock did the valiant thing in breaking up a fight, then “snapped”, punched himself in the head a few times and just started belly-to-belly suplexing everyone in the mall. As for the whole “I thought she was a man” thing, I could see where Shamrock would get that (she kinda looks like Tom Haverford), but the average person wouldn’t make that mistake. Hell, when I saw her picture I thought Ken Shamrock had knocked out the main character from Just One Of The Guys. That’s clearly a woman masquerading as a man, Ken.

The best part of the story is the text message exchange Garcia sent to TMZ, which is not only straight out of Texts From Last Night, but outs her sister as “Hoochie” to the entire world:

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Via Facebook:

I spent every day of my 30′s puttin’ in hard work..

So today, I can turn 40 and say with a big ass smile..

I’m just gettin’ started!

As of this posting, that status has about 90,000 “likes”. Today is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s birthday, and if you haven’t been paying attention … he’s pretty popular.

To help celebrate Rocky’s milestone, we’ve compiled a loosely ordered list of moments, matches and Kung Pao Bitch jokes from his career. Whether you like him or you don’t, it’s hard to deny that he’s one of the most influential and entertaining performers in the history of pro wrestling … and one of two pro wrestlers cool enough to be a G.I. Joe. Three if you count The Fridge.

Happy birthday, Rocky.

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UFC Hall-of-Famer Ken Shamrock failed a steroid test, according to an announcement from the California State Athletic Commission Wednesday night. To be fair, Shamrock has failed at lots of things in life, and he has a pattern for this sort of thing:

He failed a drug test taken prior to his Feb. 13 victory over Ross Clifton in Fresno, Calif. Shamrock is now suspended from all mixed martial arts competition nationwide through Feb. 1, 2010.

Shamrock, 45, will have the chance to appeal his failed test with the California commission. He tested positive for norandrosterone, noretiocholanolone and stanozolol.

Shamrock (27-13-2) ended a five-fight losing streak when he forced Clifton to submit in the first round of their bout.

Steroids in fighting, to me, is not the same as steriods in baseball or football. Maybe because strength is more of a factor in the former than in the big team sports. Maybe it’s because the losers in baseball don’t get their brains beaten in. But this is bigger than A-Rod, I think — one of the alread-fallen leaders in a sport that he helped create and popularize…busted for roids. And while I was never a big fan of Shamrock himself, I’m saddened by this latest (and probably last) nail in his very intense coffin.

I feel worse than when Cory Lidle flew an airplane into that building. At least you could joke about that…

|FoxSports, image ref here|

Word has just gotten out that terrifying black man but incomplete mixed martial arts fighter Kimbo Slice will face 44-year-old MMA legend Ken Shamrock on October 4th for EliteXC on CBS.  And when I say "legend," I mean it in the way-past-his prime, we-should-be using-past-tense sort of way.  Since I'm a fan but not an expert at MMA, I'll leave the analysis to CagePotato:

Ken Shamrock has lost his last five fights by first-round KO/TKO. He has a tendency to get grazed on the chin, drop to the mat with his eyes rolled up in his head, and then immediately pop up to complain when the ref stops the fight. Maybe it’s just bad luck. Maybe he’s more susceptible to flash knockouts than most all MMA fighters. Whatever the case, he shouldn’t be headlining a network television fight card…

It’s as good a time as any to bring up this fun fact: Kimbo’s second EliteXC opponent, Tank Abbott, had lost seven of his past eight fights before stepping into the cage at “Street Certified” in February. James Thompson had lost six of his last eight when he faced Kimbo at “Primetime.” Now, perhaps because Thompson gave Slice more problems than EliteXC had expected, they’re giving him Shamrock, who like Tank, has also lost seven of his last eight. These guys are beyond “jobbers” — they’re woefully unsuccessful.

I can't argue that Kimbo Slice is a compelling figure for the sport, but EliteXC is a dogshit organization.  For what EliteXC is doing for his development as a fighter, Kimbo may as well be working at the state fair or wandering around Oklahoma offering to punch away ranchers' prairie dog problems.

Following yesterday's troubling love-letter to Brady Quinn in Men's Health, a handsome tipster pointed out to me that NBC Sports is more than a little gay for semi-retired UFC fighter Ken Shamrock, the 43-year-old who lost to Tito Ortiz for the third consecutive time last October.

His sculpted biceps flex and gleam in the 107-degree heat as he delicately rubs another coat of sun block lotion on [his granddaughter].  This is the dichotomy of Ken Shamrock; he is undeniably strong, yet observant and caring… He's as calm as the blue sky above and as powerful as the desert sun beating down…

As if on cue, as if every card inside the resort's casino turned up a '21' at every blackjack table, a couple of people who had been staring at the ruggedly handsome Shamrock from across the pool have now gotten up the courage to approach. He sincerely acknowledges the good wishes by extending his hand. Ripples can't help moving through his muscular arm and the fans can't contain giant smiles of excitement in shaking hands with a legend.

Yikes.  That writer did everything but beg for a Shamrock shake.  I'm not sure if I can look at UFC the same way any more.  This is so messed up. When I think about UFC, I want to think about two muscular, sweaty guys in hot pants grappling and getting rough with each other, not something gay.