Yes, I know he's a Buc now.

There were three inherent dangers that came with making these rankings. First, the obvious reader disagreement with my rankings and the subsequent cries of “You’re a moron” and “This child is yours” that come with it. Second, the distraction of the themes and the argument that I’ve neglected this girl or that. With that, I feel true regret for some omissions, but I’m not Bill Simmons and I can’t assign a different female to every player listed, nor can I fellate myself. And third, I’ve exposed myself to my own neighbors leagues and now my fellow fantasy owners know my draft strategies and the players that I’m targeting. Oh well, it’s their funeral, because I’m wrong 9 times out of 8.

But the show must go on, and today we are examining the endangered species of the worthwhile tight end. Through no obvious relation or even basic reasoning other than my newfound adoration of the WWE’s Maryse Ouellet, and with the help of Senor Stroud, I’ve chosen to compare tight ends to the ladies of professional wrestling. Perhaps in another season I’ll even go as far as to use the Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling. Until then, the standard tight end rules apply:

- Don’t draft one too early.
- Don’t draft one too late.
- Don’t get sucked into the “run.”
- Don’t draft Jeremy Shockey. When will you learn?

Now let’s start the controversy.

Ah, Joey Porter.  Backer of lines, talker of trash, bagger of douche.  As you may know, the ex-Steeler has mixed it up with former AFC Central rival Kellen Winslow in the past, and with Winslow's Browns playing Porter's Dolphins this weekend, the linebacker re-opened the war of words.

"He's a receiver, really," Porter said. "He's not a tight end, because he's not going to block anybody. If you ask me who's going to win the Joey Porter-Kellen Winslow battle: Me."… "It really hasn't been a war," Porter said Wednesday. "It's been one-sided. I've never lost to him. It's like me picking on my little brother."

And then Winslow was all:

"I'm not into the individual-battle thing," he said. "It's a team thing. We're 2-3 and they're 0-5 and we're looking for a win. He doesn't have to worry about me. He should be worried about the team concept. They're 0-5 right now." … "I think Joey Porter needs a hug," Winslow said, smiling. "He's so angry, man."

I'm actually impressed at how stupid Joey Porter is.  I thought he might be quiet after guaranteeing a win over Oakland (didn't happen), but no: he really is the dumbest rat in the lab.  And to get burned by Kellen Winslow… Kellen Winslow destroyed his knee riding a motorcycle and famously called himself a "soldier" for playing football.  It's not like Winslow is Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker.  I swear to God, most office staplers could win a debate with Joey Porter.

In a hotly-contested asshole competition, Steelers linebacker Joey Porter called Browns tight end Kellen Winslow a "fag" for his late hit on James Farrior near the end of the Steelers' 27-7 romp over the Browns. Actually, I don't know for sure if he said fag. All I know is that it's a homosexual slur. Here's the quote:

"It was late, that's what (slur) do," Porter said. "He's soft. He wants to be tough but he's really soft."

So you see, I'm not getting a whole lot of hints from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. It could be faggot, which is possibly the nastiest slur this side of the n-word. Cocksucker is a pretty good one. Dick-licker, peter-puffer, queer-ass fruitcake, ass bandit, Jeff Garcia… it could have been any of these.

Anyway: ugly, ugly words, and With Leather does not condone the use of any of them. Except cocksucker. Kellen Winslow really IS a cocksucker.

(Bonus: see Joey Porter in his traditional, not-at-all faggoty half-shirt give Winslow the cold shoulder before the game.)