It’s been a pretty crappy year for Brooklyn Nets forward Kris Humphries, between being benched and the fact that he’s currently working toward the world record for longest divorce in history. By the time this thing is wrapped up, Kris Jenner will already be fitting Kim Kardashian’s daughter for fishnets for her date with one of David Beckham’s boys.

But the news is finally looking good for K-Hump, who can never actually complain about anything after the sweetheart contract he signed with the Nets in the offseason, as a producer from Keeping Up with the Kardashians has testified that the 72-day marriage was – GASP! – pretty f*cking fake. Well, at least the end of it was.

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You don’t have to be an accredited laboratory technician to look at Khloe Kardashian and say, “hey, that eight-foot tall white monster lady doesn’t look anything like her four-foot tall Armenian princess sisters”, but thanks to some combination of X needing money and Y needing to stay in the tabloids, it’s official: According to a report from Radar Online by way of Star magazine, Khloe Kardashian is not a Kardashian, and patriarch Robert took a “well, duh” approach in explaining where she came from.

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married,” Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert after Kris Jenner, revealed to Star.

“He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.”

As godawful and deserving of a casting into pits as the Kardashians are, you’ve got to feel sorry for a woman when the news story of the day is, “yeah, she isn’t real, but we didn’t want to be embarrassed so whatever”. It gets worse for her, too … she isn’t adopted or a daughter from a previous marriage who got shuffled into the group like so much Jan Brady. Khloe is a Kris Jenner lovechild.

Ellen Kardashian, 63, married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, after dating for nearly six years — and she has also come forward after eight years of silence to “tell the truth” about the Kardashian family.

“Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his,” Ellen said. “Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him … [but] he never would have considered a DNA test,” Ellen concluded. “He loved her very much.”

“But I don’t give a sh*t about them,” she added. “So here’s all their garbage.”

Khloe has already taken to Twitter to defend herself, because what’s she supposed to do, wait for Lamar Odom to do it?:

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Before we start, a bit of advice: don’t google “star kris is gay” looking for a photo of this magazine cover without your SafeSearch on. It’s not accurate.

So it turns out Kris Humphries is gay, or at least that’s the word from the woman who just married him for real because they loved each other. Of course his rep is issuing statements about how the accusations are “completely false and ridiculous,” adding, “He is not gay”, not ever stopping to just say “what, are you serious? It’s 2011, stop being stupid”. YOUR GAY in all caps with the improper possessive adjective shouldn’t still be a thing, especially from adults with television shows, and the only reason I’m sharing this cover is because of the awesome, almost Middle Earth-style universe it creates with its sub-headlines.

He wouldn’t touch her after the honeymoon
WHAT KHLOE SAW
Now: Kris vows to DESTROY the Karashians!

They could’ve written SPIDER-MAN: NO MORE across the top and it would’ve been just as reputable. “What Khloe saw” is pretty funny because the TMZ super capitalization for emphasis and because you can make lots of great “she could see over everybody” jokes, but the Jack Kirby finishing line is the best. I love the idea that Kris Humphries is a gay mad scientist who managed to trick his way into the family, but now that his evil dark gay secret has been revealed he’s quitting sports and championing a bunch of maniacal robots to destroy Kardashian Headquarters. He could wear a rainbow cape. Star Magazine is a better comic than at least 48 of the DC 52.

And I don’t know what the hell is up with Guy Fieri and BOOBS, BABES AND MURDER down in the corner, but I hope they weren’t gay babes, and I hope it wasn’t gay murder.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

Speculation has been running rampant on sites where “Lindsay Lohan has gross teeth” is news for weeks, and it’s about to become official: Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are divorcing. If you just screamed “GET OUT” and shoved your computer with both hands, you are awesome.

From The Scoop:

TMZ is reporting that Kim K is expected to file for divorce Monday from her husband, and she’ll cite the cause as “irreconcilable differences,” and list the day of separation as Oct. 31, 2011. Also, Ryan Seacrest offered up a tweet confirming the news, saying Kardashian is filing for divorce.

The trouble-in-paradise rumor mill has been churning overtime on this one, and the couple’s decision to spend Halloween apart seemed to be a final nail in the coffin.

I’m pretty mad about the Halloween thing myself, as Kim was dressed as the Batman & Robin version of Poison Ivy but Kris as the COOL PAHTY Arnold Schwarzenegger variant of Mr. Freeze was nowhere to be found.

I think we should look back on the two-ish months of Kardashian-Humphries-Kardashian wedded bliss and consider our lessons learned. The first lesson is that no matter how reprehensible these people seem, no matter how little they deserve to be famous, they are real, living people who deserve the same respect and privacy as you and me. Lesson two is that the E! Network is faker than pro wrestling, and that everyone on it more human than Lou the Chihuahua should be followed around by the “YOU’RE A BIG FAT PHONY” character from ‘Family Guy’ at all times. Lesson three, Kim Kardashian earned $17.9 million to marry a guy, turn it into a series of cable television specials and divorce him 72 days later but it is gay men and women in love who are ruining the sanctity of marriage. Lesson four, the NBA Lockout has gone on long enough for one of its players to get married and divorced. Lesson five, Kim and Reggie Bush are this century’s Romeo and Juliet, except they end up together and everyone around them dies.

Next season on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, Kim gets introduced to Tim Tebow and the sparks fly.