Sacre Bleu! Guess Which Cable News Network Freaked Out About USA’s Olympic Berets

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.12.12

There are plenty of things wrong with the world to be freaking out over right now, but I suppose that if you’re a big Summer Olympics fan who loathes hats, you could make a case for being most upset about the new Ralph Lauren U.S. Olympics get-ups (above) that were revealed this week. I don’t see what the big deal is. Yeah, white pants are always dangerous with Michael Phelps splashing that Subway avocado mess all over the place, and sure, they’re preppy, but our athletes should look nice.

But there are plenty of people bitching and moaning this week that our American athletes should not be wearing berets, the hat of the French. At the front of that complaint line is the adorable panel of Fox & Friends, as they just cannot believe that someone would make our finest examples of Americans stand before the rest of the world in another country’s headgear. Absolutely deplorable, Ralph Lauren.

And before any of you complain – if you even bother reading this far before you hit the comments – I’d make fun of any cable news show that featured such a ridiculous complaint. However, I’d still pick F&F first, though, because Steve Doocy is so damn punchable.

UPDATE: People are pissed that the uniforms are made in China. I know this because they typed their rage on computers made in Japan.

Read the rest of this entry »

24 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , ,

The Kids At The Spencer Hawes Basketball Camp Are Getting Ripped Off

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.28.12

Ugh, I’m so sorry, you guys, but I’m really pissed off so we’re going to talk about politics for just a second. Philadelphia 76ers center Spencer Hawes is 24-years old, attended a highly-regarded prep school, and went to the University of Washington. Because he’s 7-foot-1, he’s been able to play basketball his whole life and he parlayed that into being the 10th player selected in the 2007 NBA Draft.

In his 5th season in the NBA, Hawes averaged 9.6 points per game during the lockout-shortened season, while only actually playing in 37 games due to injury. But despite injury, he still collected more than $4 million in salary from the Sixers. Not counting endorsements, Hawes has earned roughly $13,566,963 during his NBA career, and that’s important to note because he thinks we live in a communist country because the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Obamacare.

It’s ironic that Hawes, a millionaire, is complaining about living in a communist country on Twitter, the greatest example of free speech that has ever existed. A lot of people agreed with Hawes’ chain of Tweets, that he posted while taking time out from his basketball camp for children today. And a lot of people disagreed. On the surface, he came across as just another dude mindlessly spouting anti-government rhetoric without actually justifying his argument. Then he made a joke about a bald eagle crying, and it wasn’t funny. Seriously, it was stupid.

I won’t get into my politics because you don’t care about my politics and I hate politics, so it’s a waste of time. I only bring this whole stupid mess up because we often criticize athletes for staying out of politics, but when they do speak up, we jump all over them for expressing their beliefs. I think Hawes is a hypocritical jerk, but I also respect that he’s willing to be himself.

Above all, though, I think the most important thing to take away from today’s news about socialized health care is this…

Read the rest of this entry »

28 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , ,

‘Miami Heats’ Would Be A Great Name For A South Florida Track Team

Written by Brandon Stroud / 06.28.12

Barack Obama "Miami Heats"There’s a good chance our President is purposefully trolling us.

Only days after getting booed for thanking Boston for the Kevin Youkilis trade, here’s a clip of President Obama congratulating the “Miami Heats” on their NBA Championship. Yes, the “Heats”. Stupid Obama, don’t you know the proper pluralization for that team is the “Miamis Heat”? Too bad we don’t have an Hispanic President so he can’t rock one of those Los Heats jerseys.

You know he knows how to say it. Or maybe he’s sick of teams with vague idea names. Maybe next year he can congratulate the Minneosta Wilds and the Orlando Magics.

Two conflicting YouTube comment opinions:

Read the rest of this entry »

8 Comments TAGS: , , , , , ,

Happy Texas Republican Primary, Craig James!

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.29.12

If it’s not over until the fat lady sings, Craig James better stuff a rib eye in Adele’s mouth. The Texas Republican primary is being held tonight for the Senate seat that the former ESPN blowhard has so righteously coveted, and to put it as nicely as possible – he doesn’t stand a f*cking chance. According to the latest public poll, the frontrunner for Kay Bailey Hutchison’s seat is David Dewhurst with 46% of the vote.

James? He’s got just a little catching up to do.

In all fairness to James, what nobody has really talked about during this specific Senate campaign is that his opponents have spent more than $25 million, more than any candidates for any U.S. Senate seat this election. Dewhurst, the lieutenant governor of Texas, has spent a considerable amount of his own money, while Ted Cruz has substantial backing from the Tea Party.

James, on the other hand, is liked by nobody, so he doesn’t have any money. After tonight he won’t have a job, either, which means that somewhere Mike Leach is just laughing and laughing.

Read the rest of this entry »

3 Comments TAGS: , , , ,

A Tale Of Two NFL Teams And Their Quests For Ridiculously Expensive Stadiums

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.15.12

What, this isn't good enough?

Aw crap, more state politics. This time we’re talking new stadium agreements, and the fun begins in Minnesota, where the Vikings have agreed to terms on a partnership with the taxpayers for the creation of a $975 million stadium. The team will pay $477 million toward the new facility, while the state and Minneapolis will pay the other $498 million. This is truly a remarkable day for unions between the people and the billionaires who take all of their money.

But before you go shopping for new tailgate gear, Vikings fans, you should probably know that you will never ever be able to see just how that taxpayer money is being spent, because the state gave the Vikings a “blanket protection” that allows Zygi Wilf and Co. to be super secretive about everything they do. Hooray, democracy!

One provision would shield “any financial information” from the team from public eyes. Critics say the blanket protection goes beyond state law, leaving taxpayers in the dark.

“We now have the largest public commitment in the state’s history in an agreement with the Vikings, and we have an unprecedented lack of disclosure,” said Rep. Mary Liz Holberg, R-Lakeville, who voted against the stadium bill. (Via the Seattle Times)

Basically, Governor Mark Dayton and a team of people that he will choose will be able to check in on the finances of the Vikings and their new stadium whenever they want. And if they see something they don’t like, they can handle it internally. But even if it’s something totally f*cked up, the public still can’t see it. Dayton might as well cut the stadium’s ribbon, scream, “HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!” and light a pile of money on fire.

Read the rest of this entry »

6 Comments TAGS: , , , , , ,

Great News, Saints Fans: Your State Lawmakers Are Going After The NFL

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.15.12

Trust me, folks – I hate talking any level of politics on this here sports humor blog, but sometimes I just can’t help but slap my forehead at the time management of our great nation’s elected officials. Today’s tale of “WTF, politicians?” comes from Louisiana, where state senators have voted almost unanimously to demand that the NFL reconsider the punishments handed down to the New Orleans Saints for their role in BOUNTY GATE: THE GATE THAT INVOLVED BOUNTIES™.

Back in March, Rep. Cameron Henry, a Republican from the fine parish of Jefferson, introduced House Concurrent Resolution 50, which basically says that the NFL was wrong to fine the Saints half a million and suspend coach Sean Payton for the year. The bill passed 28-1 and now the Louisiana state legislature demands action by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, or else they will not show their tits for beads. I think that’s how this works.

“There is widespread public opinion throughout the state of Louisiana and beyond that the penalties imposed upon the Saints are too harsh and should be reconsidered,” the resolution says.

Henry’s resolution says that the suspensions “will likely have a negative economic impact across the Crescent City and the state as a whole.” (The Times-Picayune via Pro Football Talk)

Look, I may not be some fancy, big city slicker lawyer type, but I have watched a football game or two in my day, and I’ve certainly enjoyed the treasures of New Orleans on a few occasions. So if I had to make a prediction of how this bill will influence the NFL commish, I’d say: 1) It won’t; B) Nah, it won’t; and III) Seriously, it won’t. But I also don’t think it will affect people traveling to the state either, because as long as people enjoy pissing money away at Harrah’s and sucking down crawfish and beignets, the Big Easy will be fine (see you in November, Cajun Boy!). Just have a few hand grenades and heckles some tourists. This whole mess will be over soon enough.

4 Comments TAGS: , , , , , , ,

Partnered With

Sign Up

Follow Us