"Yoooooooooooooooou suck!"

As always, I apologize in advance for splashing politics into your sports bourbon, but we can’t go a full business week lately without a politician trying to act like he’s a sports expert. In this case, the politician is South Dakota state representative Steve Hickey, who wrote quite the essay on his blog on Saturday about why he doesn’t want mixed martial arts in the Mount Rushmore State, because the state’s Senate Commerce and Energy Commission voted yesterday on a bill to create a state athletic commission to regulate MMA and boxing, among other combat sports.

Hickey, who is also the pastor at Church at the Gate in Sioux Falls, has no problem with South Dakota allowing boxing and traditional martial arts events, but he will be darned to heck if he’s going to let MMA rear its ugly face. And as he’s telling his detractors to “school up” on Twitter, let’s take a look at what kind of lesson he’s teaching.

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Last we checked in on former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, he allowed me to absolutely, 100% legitimately spend two days with him and his new public relations team, as they are trying to attempt to rebuild his image with the hopes of getting him back into the good graces of the incredibly evil Baseball Writers Association of America. Basically, it seems that Sosa wants to get his baseball skeletons sorted out and atone for his sins so he can move on with his life. After all, baseball was very good to him.

Sosa has been opening up a little more since those incredible Flickr and Pinterest photos kicked open the gates of our hearts, and it seems that not only is he intent on being voted into the Hall of Fame, but he also apparently wants the Cubs to accept him back and retire his number. At the very least, though, he doesn’t want to come off as desperate, hence the new image makeover and some very meticulously worded quotes.

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How DARE New York ban these women!

Much to the shock of many people who probably had no idea this is true, professional mixed martial arts matches are currently banned in New York. In fact, New York is just one of two states in which our favorite fighting sport is still banned, with the other being – you know what? Screw that state. It doesn’t even deserve to be named. As for New York, the lawmakers are at least trying.

As Mixed Martial Arts continues to grow in popularity, New York government officials are trying again to bring fights to the state. Currently, professional MMA matches are banned in New York. But Senator Joe Griffo is supporting a bill that would make amateur and professional fights legal.

While the bill has already been stalled by the assembly twice, Griffo says he thinks this year will be different.

“The Senate has passed it several times,” he said. “I’m hopeful now with the new sponsor in the Assembly that we can really see progress there and have this bill before the governor for his signature.”

Griffo says bringing this sport to New York will lead to an economic boost across the state. (Via YNN, H/T to Stephen Douglas)

As MMA fans, we should be outraged that New York state – home to the capital city of the entire world – has made it illegal for a UFC event to be hosted at Madison Square Garden. Again, at least NY lawmakers are trying, but in case they’re going to fail again like they did last May, let me give them our official argument on why they should want to host UFC events in their state.

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Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick hanging out with Guy Fieri on New Year's is only half the problem.

Politicians are the worst people on this planet, so it shouldn’t have surprised people this morning when news leaked of the sordid inclusions in the fiscal cliff deal, from a heavier rum tax on Puerto Rico to financing Goldman Sachs’ new headquarters. Good, those guys needed a break. But also included is the so-called “NASCAR loophole”, which has a lot of people really pissed off right now.

However, it’s not like the government is just giving a ton of our hard-earned cash to the good ol’ boys who spend their days turning left. It’s much sneakier and more complex than that. Basically, it’s a nice, big tax break for the billionaires behind the International Speedway Corporation, and most notably the France family. So what, then, does this loophole give them?

The so-called NASCAR loophole allows anyone who builds a racetrack to receive a small tax benefit through accelerated depreciation. This tax break cost roughly $43 million the past two years and will get extended for another year. Sounds tawdry, right? And yet, supporters claim the break is necessary so that NASCAR can compete on a level playing field with other theme parks. Looks like they got their wish. (Via Washington Post)

Now I’m no fancy, big city slicker lawyer type with a degree in smartness, but I’ve read enough USA Today pie charts in my day to know that this isn’t much of a surprise. Look, millionaires and billionaires get all the breaks. We’ve just got to learn to live with that. I mean, take Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, for example. He fleeced an entire major city government into funding his ridiculous, giant new stadium, and he did it all on the paper wings of a promise that he was committed to building a contender. Classic rich dude crapping on our dreams scenario.

Instead of Loria, though, it’s just NASCAR and International Speedway executives who get to act out the “We need these tax breaks to build new tracks and fix the old ones so we can create jobs because America!” routine. But this is all unfair speculation and the biased ramblings of a lower class American just trying to get his next meal. Let’s see what the NASCAR fatcats have to say in response…

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Back in 2010, five Ohio State Buckeyes football players were exposed for their roles in a horrifying murder-for-hire operation that included then-standout quarterback Terrelle Pryor, who was wanted by both the FBI and Interpol for his role in hundreds of global leader assassinations as far back as the 1830s. Wait, no. Sorry. I meant that five Ohio State players exchanged autographs for tattoos, cash and rental cars, among other things. And the whole world looked on in shock and terror, because never could we believe that people would take advantage of teenage athletes by dangling money in front of their faces.

Ultimately, the scandal revealed that as many as 28 players were involved and it led to former coach Jim Tressel’s resignation after it was revealed that he was well aware of his players’ side deals, and he had also been using ineligible players in 2010. Tressel was found to have violated an NCAA bylaw and he was accused of lying to the NCAA when he was questioned about these improper benefits. But with credit to THE university’s leadership, OSU officials did show some balls for forcing the Jim to “retire” and voluntarily forfeiting all wins from the 2010 season. Too bad the NCAA ain’t care, and the Buckeyes were slapped with a postseason ban for this season.

A funny thing happens, though, when a team is 11-0 with no prospect of playing in the Big 10 championship game or even the BCS Championship Game – fans get super pissed off. So much so that they create crazy petitions demanding that President Barack Obama “pardon” their football team.

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From here on out, I will photoshop Kate Upton over every politician's picture.

I don’t know anything about Michigan’s Fred Upton and his politics, but for circumstances that are important to the very fabric with which this site operates, I had to look them up. Turns out Upton is a Republican Congressman (don’t care) from Michigan’s 6th district (dooooon’t care) and he is also the Chairman of the Committee on Energy and Commerce (double dog doodie don’t care). However, he’s also the uncle of 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton and we absolutely care about that.

According to Michigan Live, this year’s election was a big kick in the pants for the incumbent congressman. Sure, he’s been in office since 1987 (originally in the 4th district, now in the 6th), but his margin of victory in this election was closer than it has ever been.

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