The only way this is actually skee ball is if the guy who runs the course has to come over, open it up and fix it every 15 minutes. (via Sweater Punch)

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Meme Watch: Ridiculously Photogenic Guy Is Making The Internet A More Attractive Place |UPROXX|

20 Creepy Print Ads That Will Give Your Heebie Jeebies the Willies |Warming Glow|

The Awfulness Of Star Wars Kinect Inspires Harrison Ford Mashup And Gifs |Gamma Squad|

Blake Lively gets double teamed by drug dealers |Film Drunk|

The Dugout Opening Days ’12: Tampa Bay Rays |With Leather|

The Miami Heat And Oklahoma City Thunder Just Sold The NBA Finals |Smoking Section|

Texts From Hillary Wins The Internet Today |UPROXX|

‘Anchorman’ + ‘Hunger Games’ = Classy GIFs |UPROXX|

Mikkey Halsted Feat. Lupe Fiasco – “Gone” |Smoking Section|

Jesse Eisenberg’s sister is that girl from those Pepsi commercials |Film Drunk|

Give Me All The Years Without A Championship You Have |With Leather|

Star Wars Condoms Are The Protection You’re Looking For |Gamma Squad|

Is Jennifer Love Hewitt the Most Consistently Attractive ‘90s TV Star? |Warming Glow|

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This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

Two things about this:

1. If Kanye West and Jay-Z name a song “Niggas In Paris” and release it as a single for top 40 radio, I am not going to feel weird about typing “Niggas In Paris” on this blog. That’s the name of the song. Also, for like two months I thought people were talking about Joni Mitchell.

2. Fan songs are supposed to be bad. They’re supposed to be what you upload when you’ve downed too many Coors Lights and think it’d be funny to say “Fister” instead of “sister”. They’re for bragging about how your team is going to win the Super Bowl three games into the season and nothing bad could possibly happen.

Those things being said, this San Francisco 49ers fan song set to “Niggas In Paris” is really freaking good and manages to be both cleverly written AND time appropriate. They could’ve just done ‘Red And Yellow’ or whatever and been fine, but they put in an effort, and I appreciate it. An example, courtesy of Shutdown Corner‘s expert transcription skills:

Ball so hard, let’s stop Cruz. Manningham’ll be locked up, too.
If you was hit like Pierre was hit, you probably gon’ cough the ball up, too.

And hopefully you don’t need me to explain why “that Smith cray” is great. Drunk Texas Train Lady needs to step up her game. Suggestion: a Baltimore Ravens song called “Murder to Excellence”.

The 2-0 Miami Heat have set the NBA on fire with a dangerously effective, new-look offense that emphasizes athleticism and de-emphasizes LeBron and Wade and Bosh standing around expecting to win. As undeniably great as they are, they keep doing things to make us hate them … most notably their 2011-12 intro hype video, wherein Hype Williams has apparently taken his talents to South Beach to film the team posing like d-bags in the best Express For Men has to offer.

It doesn’t do a lot to help the “Hollywood Heat” nickname, but it goes a long way to making Juwan Howard look like a 70-year old sailor, if that was part of the plan. It also makes me feel a little sorry for the guys who get crammed together at the end, like Mickell Gladness. More like Mickell Sadness. They should just have a fast-scrolling list of the non-Big 3 roster with AND ALSO at the top fly by so LeBron can flex his sweatermuscles and wear vintage sunglasses more.

Anyway, for extra fun, compare and contrast this with the undisputed king of music video intros:

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According to this video, everything rapper T-Will Da Deal do “Saint Lou”, including:

• Walking
• Talking
• Owning clothing
• Posting homemade World Series anthems to YouTube
• Calling your homemade World Series YouTube anthems “films”
• Featuring a plush “rally squirrel” on the track who does that annoying “unh! unh! Yeah! We goin’ all the way!” thing people do before rap songs, except in a sped-up chipmunk voice
• Having said squirrel announce that he’s “just trying to get a nut”, because get it
• Giving a shout-out to his “haters”, because irrational hatred is the only reason to not like a squirrel-centric baseball rap song where somebody rhymes “mayor” with “McGwire” by saying neither of them properly

The tags on the video are even better, and include “BET”, “KANYE”, “JAY-Z”, “DEF” and “JAM”, “JIVE”, “RAMS” and both “FRED” and “BIRD”. I’m not sure if he’s trying to get on television, get a record contract, get into the NFL or just meet Fred Bird, but his video production and the fat that he’s rapping to actual music puts him ahead of any efforts we’ve seen from Texas Rangers fans. I’m not sure if he got the “I’m just trying to get a nut” thing from a Wal-mart t-shirt or from another rapper (where he appears to have picked up everything else), but the knowledge that a Cards victory would cause Lance Berkman to “get a nut” makes me really want to root for Texas.

“Dave Seville-style Rally Anthems” are the next logical step in St. Lou’s Rally Squirrel phenomenon, following shaped chocolate and inspirational taxidermy, and I hope the trend lasts long enough for Tony La Russa to try and bring in four different rally squirrels in an inning.

[h/t Outside the Boxscore]

In our continuing effort to share with you the best in sports-centric hip-hop, please enjoy the opening lines of “Niggas in Paris” from Jay-Z and Kanye West’s “Watch The Throne” collaboration. It is notable for two reasons: one, because it explicitly deals with New Jersey Nets minority owner Jay-Z’s visit to the Kentucky Wildcats lockeroom during the 2011 NCAA Tournament, a visit that violated NBA regulations and cost him 50-grand; two, because it is the best remake of a Joni Mitchell song ever.

Your lyrics of choice:

So I ball so hard motherf**kers want to fine me
First niggas got to find me
What’s 50 grand to a motherf**ker like me
Can you please remind me?

It seems weird that the NBA doesn’t have a mailing address for a guy who owns part of one of their teams, but there you go. In addition to “a bitch”, a $50,000 fine is not one of Jay-Z’s problems. Kanye backed up Jay by adding an “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” to the last words at the ends of his sentences to fill up space, a move considered “genius” by everyone who heard it.

You can listen to the song below, if you’re one of those squares who doesn’t already have it. Please be advised that it contains harsh language and adult situations, and that every time they make me type “niggas” I’m pretending to type “guys”.

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