The New York Yankees are currently in first place in the AL East with the second-best record in all of baseball, so as soon as they have that best record in baseball status locked up – and maybe toss in a few highway robbery trades as well – all will be well in the universe, according to Yankees fans. One of the luxuries of being “business as usual” for baseball’s highest payroll is that Yankees players and fans can once again laugh, not only at the fans of teams beneath them in the standings, but also at their own miseries of previous years.

For example, on Friday the Yankees visited the Kansas City Royals for a quick three-game sweep to extend their winning streak to five games, but because Kauffman Stadium is where Yankees closer and first ballot Hall-of-Famer Mariano Rivera ended his season a wee bit early last season while shagging fly balls in warm-ups, his teammates decided to poke fun at the injury with the “No Mo Zone”.

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Kansas City’s Jeff Francoeur has a strong arm in right. Detroit’s Victor Martinez is not fast. Dude’s 34 years old, you know? He wasn’t fast a decade ago. But here he is being waved home, kicking up dirt behind the also-not-fast Prince Fielder, en route to a home plate collision. What’s a guy to do in a situation like this? Plow through the catcher and try to score? Try to jump him? Slide?

If you’re Victor Martinez, you do your best impression of Grandpa Simpson at La Maison Derrière and book it to the dugout. Compare and contrast the above video with the following GIF:

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The 2012 MLB Home Run Derby took place last night in Kansas City’s Kauffman Stadium (the one with the fountains), and if you were like most people you had a passing interest, got bored, then spent a little time on Twitter trying to make Chris Berman’s incessant “BECK BECK BECK BECK BECK” thing funny. You have have compared him to a chicken. It happens.

In the event that you didn’t have seven hours to kill watching dudes congratulate themselves, we’ve collected all the important moments MLB.com would allow us without expressed written consent … that includes a pair of monster home runs, Robinson Cano getting a reaction that made Yankees fans break out their shame fingers and a Royals fan who gets greedy and nearly ends up drowned in the fountain. It was all the fun you’d expect from a home run derby, only it took seven hours.

Up first, here’s Robinson Cano getting his feelings hurt:

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Love or hate the New York Yankees, you have to admit that Mariano Rivera is the greatest closer of all-time. Rivera, 42, was already putting together what could have been a swan song season to close out his career, as he’s recorded 5 saves in 6 chances, with a 1-1 record and 2.16 ERA. Instead, he could be going out more like a dying duck, as he’ll miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL.

Before yesterday’s 4-3 loss to the Kansas City Royals, Rivera was shagging fly batting practice balls in center field, like he usually does, and on a deep fly ball by Jayson Nix, Rivera turned awkwardly and twisted his knee (video after the jump). A lot of people might ask, “Why the hell was the 41-year old closer shagging fly balls in center field?” And the answer is: “Because Mo can apparently do whatever he wants.”

An outstanding athlete, Rivera fancies himself a credible center fielder, even pleading with Girardi to allow him to play center in a game before he retires. Girardi said he wanted to accommodate Rivera, but was too worried about an injury to let him go through with it.

Rivera has been a fixture in center field during batting practice, along with the other pitchers. But he always chased fly balls with more zeal and effort. (Via the New York Times)

And so begins a year of sports writers wondering if Rivera’s career is over, which we won’t know until he recovers, obviously. What we do know is that a guy like Rivera deserves better. If he’s going to blow out his knee, at least make it while he’s rescuing a basket of puppies from Skeletor. At least that’s how I’d like to go.

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I’d like to preface this story by saying I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan. I’ve been to Yankee Stadium to watch the Tribe play, and when I went I wore my C hat and my jersey with a big red “INDIANS” across the front. When the Tribe scored, I cheered. When the Yankees scored, I booed. At no point was beer thrown on me, and at no point was I kicked in the face and knocked over multiple rows of steps.

Here’s my theory: I am not a dumb asshole. Also, I like a team that never wins.

Per the fine cats at Deadspin:

Things heat up around the 1:15 mark when alleged Red Sox fan punches someone and a regular slobber knocker ensues. Alleged Red Sox fan clearly got the worst of it as she took a boot to the face and tumbled back over the seats. Tipster Dave informs us that Alleged Red Sox fan was taking abuse most of the day and eventually had enough. This is the result.

Please enjoy that result, which lands somewhere between “tandem skydiving” and “being elbow-deep in Kate Upton” on the list of great (and somehow horrible) moments of which I’ll never be a part:

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Ozzie Guillen is never at a loss for exciting post-game quotes. Actually he’s always at a loss, but that’s what makes these so good. I almost cherry-picked “no energy in the dugout and a horsesh** approach at the plate” or “it’s going to be a f**king long-ass God damn July”, but I think this response late in the interview sums things up perfectly.

“A lot of people say sh*t I talk sh*t because I have to talk sh*t. No I don’t. I talk sh*t because I have [bup bup] what I see, that’s all it I see. Very bad. Very bad.”

Of course, that’s paraphrased. He might’ve been saying something nice.

To his credit, Guillen and the White Sox did have a terrible night. The Chicago White Sox fell 2-1 in 11 innings to the basement-dwelling Kansas City Royals, and during the eighth inning a foul ball doing God’s work hit Ozzie in the eyeball. The way the AL Central looks right now, a bad weekend could put the Sox behind the Twins and even closer to the bottom of the division. As the night dragged on, Ozzie cooled down and hopped on Twitter to close out the story.

According to my three years of high school Spanish (and the educational television program “Destinos”) “vamosa vino tinto” means “going to the red wine.” I’m not 100% on “duro pa lante”, but I have no reason to believe Ozzie’s any better at Spanish than he is at English.

Edit: Because I suddenly have a huge Spanish speaking audience, it’s been brought to my attention that Ozzie’s tweet boils down to “Go Venezuelan soccer team, let’s be tough”. So it’s good that Ozzie could move on from his no good very bad day, and bad that I’m too American to understand anything other than the messed up pseudo-language I speak.

[h/t Big League Stew]