Chiefs running back Larry Johnson was suspended by the team for Sunday’s game for violating unspecified team rules. And it sounds like team rules may include things like “Don’t assault women,” as a police report from his October 10th night club altercation claims that Johnson spit in a woman’s face and threatened to kill her boyfriend, the fourth time in five years he’s been accused of assaulting a woman. This time, it was 24-year-old Ashley Stewart.
Johnson got close to Stewart while swinging his arms belligerently, then said, “All I wanted [to] tell you is I’m going to kill your boyfriend,” the report said. Johnson kept talking to Stewart and spit the drink in her face after she backed away, the report said.
Stewart told police that Johnson’s bodyguards then tackled her and that bouncers from the club escorted her outside. Johnson tried to spit on her three more times while walking to his car after the club manager asked him to leave, the report said.
You can read the full police report at Arrowhead Pride, but keep in mind that it only contains whatever lies Stewart told the police; lies that were confirmed by lying eyewitnesses. I want to hear Johnson’s side of the story before I make up my mind. Maybe he didn’t spit on her at all. Or maybe she was on fire, and that’s why he was spitting. Let’s all pause and accept the possibility that Larry Johnson is a hero, okay?
The Monday Morning Suck-Off runs every week during the NFL season.
Well, it was a great weekend for tight games in the NFL. Two matches went into overtime: the Giants beat the not-dead-yet Bengals, and the Bucs slipped past the Bears thanks to Brian Griese’s 400+ passing yards, several Chicago blunders, and the sticky-tack hands of one Jerrapy Stevens (pardon the typo). Elsewhere in Closegamesville, the Broncos survived the Saints 34-32 thanks to a failed two-point conversion and a missed 43-yarder with two minutes left, while Josh Scobee kicked a game-winning 51-yarder to boost the clock-eating Jags over the Colts, 23-21.
Rounding out Sunday’s nailbiters were the Bills, who proved that you only need to play one quarter to beat the Raiders. After mailing in three-fourths of the game, Buffalo scored 17 points in the fourth, winning 24-23 on Rian Lindell’s last-second field goal. The win boosted the Bills to 3-0 and first place in the AFC East, because the Patriots got their asses handed to them by the Dolphins. Ronnie Brown rushed for 113 yards and four touchdowns (and threw for a fifth), resulting in countless “faaaacks” across New England and at least three suicides by fantasy owners who benched him.
But who sucked hardest yesterday? Matt Cassell gets a nod for getting curb-stomped on the way to encouraging Joey Porter to run his mouth. The Lions, Texans, and Browns all remain winless after embarrassing blowouts. But there’s harder sucking out there.
A California man named Ken Hunter was having dinner with his girlfriend when he began to choke on a piece of meat. Luckily, Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez, who was dining with his wife (pictured - yay!), was there to save his life.
[Gonzalez said,] “The whole restaurant was quiet. Nobody was doing anything. Then I saw he was turning blue. Everybody in the restaurant was just kind of sitting there wide-eyed.”
The 6-foot-5 Gonzalez, about a foot taller than Hunter, jumped out of his chair and came up behind the stricken man and began to perform the Heimlich maneuver.
Diana Martin, a restaurant employee, said no one else seemed to know what to do. “He was so lucky Tony was there,” Martin said. “In a situation like that, every second counts. It helped a lot that Tony’s a big, strong guy because you have to be able to apply some pretty good pressure. I don’t think I would have been strong enough to help him.”
Let's not get carried away here. He didn't save anyone from a burning building or land a jumbo jet or disable a ticking bomb. It's the fucking Heimlich maneuver. It's about as heroic as squashing a bug for a girl. Why, the other day I said "Hey watch out" and kept a stranger from walking into the street when a car was driving past. Do I get a medal or what?
As noted by Shutdown Corner, the Kansas City Chiefs have a "Fan Code of Conduct" for home games, and rule #2 shows why Arrowhead is one of the most unforgiving environments for opposing teams. On the list of verboten acts:
• Standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans
Yes, standing. Now, this seems like the sort of thing that would correct itself: any person who goes to an NFL game and says "Sit down! You're ruining the game!" would justifiably be laughed off by everyone else in the section. But no, there's a special program for cowardly douchebag whistleblowers:
The Chiefs also have set up a text-messaging system that allows fans who might be offended by behaviors like standing to report the situation to the powers-that-be.
I don't like to advocate violence more than seven or eight times a day, but I'm going to make an exception for this. If you're a member of the Chiefs organization, or you cheer for the Chiefs, or you take pride in being from Kansas City, follow these 3 simple steps: (1) Find a heavy tool you can wield with one hand, like a crescent wrench or a claw hammer. (2) Take that tool and hit yourself in the genitals as hard as you possibly can. (3) Repeat until sterile.
The Kansas City Chiefs have proposed a rule change (second story):
In what could be a boon for barbershops, the NFL’s competition committee is considering a rule that would ban players from having their hair cover or obscure the names on the back of player’s jersey. The Chiefs view longer hair as a uniform violation. But others could interpret it as a safety violation. When Kansas City played Pittsburgh in October 2006, Chiefs running back Larry Johnson pulled down Polamalu from behind grabbing ahold of his hair . . . It is hardly something that has the NFL pulling out its hair. But it is something that soon could have players trimming theirs.
Oh, well met Adam Schefter, well met. Anyway, I like the phrase "boon for barbershops". I like the word 'boon' because it sounds like 'poon', and 'poon barbers' could be a fall-back career for young scholars like me who have been asked to leave OB/GYN programs for certain 'indiscretions'. -KD
Thanks to handsome HG over at You Been Blinded for tipping me on this MAXIM interview with Kansas City Chiefs' Tony Gonzalez who lets us know he doesn't like to see Lincoln's head when inserts a penny into his dates:
Yeah, girls who are leaking oil are a real turn-off. -KD
