"You tell me, herp should I derp?"

Since officially becoming a free agent on Wednesday, Peyton Manning is the most popular dude at the desperation party, as basically any team in need of a quarterback is banging down his door. While Manning apparently claimed that he will have a decision made by the end of next week, the Kansas City Chiefs have set the bar with an unknown offer.

Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos are supposedly willing to do whatever it takes to land Manning, and even people in Philadelphia are calling for the Eagles to sign him. And, of course, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has his checkbook out as he laughs at everyone. So what the hell is really going on? You know, with the guy’s surgically repaired neck and that stuff that sort of matters.

“His risk really is very low,” said Dr. Robert S. Bray Jr., who has worked with NHL star Sidney Crosby and whose DISC Sports & Spine Center provides medical services for the U.S. Olympic team.

“If I was a team, I’d ask, ‘Did (the fusion) heal? Do you have a CAT scan that showed it healed? Is the rest of neck in pretty good shape?”‘ Bray asked. “If those two answers are yes, then it gets down to, ‘OK, get out on the field and show me you can perform,’ because it will only get better from here with time.” (Via the Indy Star)

I’m no NFL general manager, but I assume that all of the guys who are figuring out ways to kill each other to sign Manning probably already asked this question and that’s why they’re doing what they’re doing. But having been a Dolphins fan for this long, I still worry that maybe Jeff Ireland doesn’t put too much thought into something like this and Manning could be rolling around in one of those electric wheelchairs powered by a straw and he’d be like, “So let me tell you why you’d be great in Miami.”

Also, photoshops like this do more harm to my sports sensitivity than they do my hopes…

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"Man, I can't wait to live in Kansas City."

On Friday, a very poor quality video of a guy in a white helmet throwing a football at Duke University showed up on YouTube and people were like, “Well Peyton Manning has a white helmet and he’s been hanging out at Duke, so it must be him!” And it makes sense that it’s Manning, because he has just a few days left before the Indianapolis Colts either owe him $28 million or have to cut him, and because of the new CBA the Colts can’t be at Duke to watch him throw the ball and prove that he’s healthy.

Instead, as the Internet’s greatest sports conspiracy theorists have noted, Manning could conveniently “leak” this video to show Colts owner Jim Irsay that all is good, as they say, in the hood, while also allowing the pack of rabid, quarterback-starved-teams drooling over a free agent Manning to witness his rehabilitation from a fourth neck surgery.

That Manning clan – full of the crafty ones, I tells ya.

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I guess losing 37-10 to the New York Jets doesn’t sit well with anybody.

The Kansas City Chiefs fired coach Todd Haley on Monday, effective immediately.

The team did not name an interim coach in their statement announcing the move, however a league source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter that the Chiefs have told members of their organization that defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel will replace Haley on an interim basis.

Haley’s run in Kansas City wasn’t all monstrously embarrassing losses … he went 19-27 in his three seasons with the Chiefs, and he took the team to an AFC West division title in 2010, even if they bailed in the playoffs. Statements from the Chiefs have been largely positive, full of “Todd helped” and “this was a difficult decision”, but it’s pretty hard for me to feel sorrow or sympathy for any football coach for doing anything, because their job is more or less to stand there screaming and murmur quietly through post-game press. The press releases always find their way to “but this is what’s best for the team” in a few words. I want to see a coach keep his job through performances like this because the CEO thinks going 5-8 is what’s best for the team.

For more on the firing, I turn to the Twitter of the only Chiefs fan I know in real life, Jon Bois:

Reports: the candidates for the Chiefs’ coaching job narrowed down to an ape who has fallen into a well and the bell he won’t stop ringing. Chiefs also considering hiring a recently-divorced shirtless man who totally just ate a children’s cartoon-themed cereal with water

For one easy installment of … wait, $5,000?? Jesus Christ!

By way of our socially conscious pals at Deadspin comes eBay auction “Broncos Tim Tebow Rookie Game Worn Used Pants Team COA”, a.k.a. the pants Tebow was wearing when he threw his first NFL touchdown pass last season against the Chiefs, and you could be the winner, should you have five grand to burn and absolutely no idea what to do with your life. If “a guy you’ve heard of wore these pants” isn’t enough, consider the auction’s extremely concerning selling points:

Throughout the pants there are multiple hit marks, stains, and tears.

which goes great with

The handwarmer and towel came direct from the broncos locker room.

… so in the event you wanted to buy these pants under the condition that they’d been warmed by Tim Tebow’s taint you’ve got a second chance with the hand towel. I need more information from the seller. Have these directly encountered scrote?

I haven’t decided if I’m wholly in the “so what if he led the comeback against the Dolphins, he beat a winless team by three points in overtime and was terrible the entire game” camp or the “he is God’s special little angel” one, but he’s going to have to do a little more than force Miami to suck if he wants me to drop 5k on trou. I wouldn’t pay $5,000 for Shakira’ pants. I wouldn’t pay that much for my own pants.

Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

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After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

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