The 2-0 Miami Heat have set the NBA on fire with a dangerously effective, new-look offense that emphasizes athleticism and de-emphasizes LeBron and Wade and Bosh standing around expecting to win. As undeniably great as they are, they keep doing things to make us hate them … most notably their 2011-12 intro hype video, wherein Hype Williams has apparently taken his talents to South Beach to film the team posing like d-bags in the best Express For Men has to offer.

It doesn’t do a lot to help the “Hollywood Heat” nickname, but it goes a long way to making Juwan Howard look like a 70-year old sailor, if that was part of the plan. It also makes me feel a little sorry for the guys who get crammed together at the end, like Mickell Gladness. More like Mickell Sadness. They should just have a fast-scrolling list of the non-Big 3 roster with AND ALSO at the top fly by so LeBron can flex his sweatermuscles and wear vintage sunglasses more.

Anyway, for extra fun, compare and contrast this with the undisputed king of music video intros:

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It is futile to resist the comedy of Flula Borg, a Bavarian-born German DJ and Dirk Nowitzki supporter who has succinctly and amazingly stated everything wrong with the Miami Heat. I could blog about these guys for a hundred years and never get it this right. Highlights include LeBron James being French, velociraptor Chris Bosh changing Erik Spoelstra’s sh**ty diaper and Juwan Howard’s parents being 38 when they made him. “This is amazing! Congratulate, Juwan!” He might be clinically insane, he might be Borat, but his video is a must watch. And a must watch again.

I want this to be a fair and balanced sports blog, so if you see someone other than the Westboro Baptist Church protesting the Dallas Mavericks, please, send it along. I think my favorite criticism so far has been “Jason Kidd is old and not great.” Well yeah, obviously, but I was still shouting GAME OVER MAN when he drained that three.

[big H/T to Off the Bench]

Guys, what’s up? Whatcha talking about? Can I , can I just pop in here for a second? I want to know what’s so cool that you told Juwan Howard to come over? Are you telling jokes? I love jokes!

Ooh, is that a yo-yo? Doc never lets us play with yo-yos! LeBron! Stop pushing me! That hurts! I’ll tell on you!

Are you talking about how Shaq must take poops the size of a two year-old? That’s not very nice. You’re mean. Leave him out of this.

Are you talking about how the expectations for your team are roughly around winning seven rings in six seasons and that it doesn’t help that you’re losing to us by nine points right now? I don’t know who you are, guy in suit, but I don’t appreciate the glares.

What should you do, LeBron? Let me in your conversation. I’m just wondering, bro. You let Big Z in the conversation, and that g-ddamn dumb son of a bitch can’t even understand English.

Oh. Ray! RAY! They were talking about Chris Bosh’s husband going to Chicago for a week without telling him! Yeah, I know! I think that’s really inconsiderate, too! How’s Chris going to take care of the kids by herself WHILE falling all over playing basketball? See, LeBron? We can get along if you just let me hang out with you.