Just a few nights removed from barfing on stage, Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber performed the show of a lifetime at the Staples Center Monday night. I know that because I looked at his Twitter feed and he’s been retweeting everyone who has Tweeted that his show was great and, according to some, propelled his swag to new heights. If only that swag would run out of fuel and plummet to the ground.

This morning, though, Bieber Tweeted a video that followed up a Tweet from last week that confirmed that the MVP of the NBA All-Star Weekend celebrity game – I think, who even remembers? – is available in NBA 2K13, which hit stores yesterday. I’d make fun of this, but he’s instantly an upgrade to the Orlando Magic roster.

The video is… less than flattering, as it shows Bieber being rejected and turning the ball over, before getting frustrated and throwing his arms up in the air. Interestingly, he is, in fact, waving them like does care. But please don’t feel bad for the Biebs, because as YouTube commenter DiaperBoy1996 points out, Justin is awesome at everything.

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"Thanks for the f*ckin' Rewteet."

Since the Green Bay Packers lost to the Seattle Seahawks on Monday Night Football, which included one of the most controversial calls in NFL history, Packers guard TJ Lang has gained roughly 90,000 new followers on Twitter. It’s not because he’s a charming fella or that he and fellow Packers guard Josh Sitton have a friendly rivalry over who is the better guard (it’s Sitton because he played at UCF, but I digress). It is, however, the result of two delightful F-bombs he dropped on Twitter after the game on Monday night.

By now, we’re all familiar with Lang’s “Tweets Heard ‘Round the World”, but in case you were cramming for a blood test, Lang first Tweeted this strongly-worded message to the refs…

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16-year old U.S. gymnast McKayla Maroney is a vault boss who was supposed to destroy everyone in the world at the thing she was born to do. Unfortunately for her, things didn’t work out like that.

“I can’t blame it on anything except I screwed up,” Maroney told Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports.

Though the vault champion could not hold back her tears, she sustained her professional posture.

“I’m happy to be the Olympic silver medalist,” Maroney said. “I really am.” (via Fashion And Style)

As happy as she claimed to be, the photo at the top of his post is now her legacy. Some have called her a “mean girl” for being the Most Pissed Off Person About Vaulting Ever, but some have taken a more constructive approach: cropping her out of that photo and pasting her onto images of exciting things. Enter: McKayla Is Not Impressed, my new favorite Tumblr until Burnsy updates the one about stuff coming out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina.

Here are a few of our favorites, with a generous hat tip to Jen Haley.

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That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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This is a picture of Washington Nationals rookie Bryce Harper with UFC ring girl/Playboy playmate Brittany Palmer.

Compare and contrast that to the following video by YouTube’s Mallory Moreno entitled, ‘If Bryce Harper Was My Boyfriend’, a Justin Bieber parody song about how awesome of a girlfriend she’d be filmed longways on a Flip with about five minutes notice. Sample lyrics:

I got stats in my hands that i’d really like to show
show show to you
chillin at the ballpark while the sky’s blue
you don’t know about me but i know about you
so say hello to the bigggest fan of three four, swag

Long story short, this is the difference between Girls Who Like Bryce Harper, and Girls Bryce Harper likes:

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Illinois representative Luis Gutierrez knows the secrets to arguing about important, real-life things on the Internet — sarcasm, topicality and, if possible, Justin Bieber-related photoshops. He also knows that if you mention sports guys, sports sites can report it as Sports News.

In sports news:

Rep. Luis Gutierrez took to the House floor on Wednesday morning to address Arizona’s immigration law — particularly the portion of it that the Supreme Court refrained from striking down. Railing against what he saw as the inherent racial profiling in the policy, Gutierrez hammered his point with what was basically a game of Guess Which One’s The Immigrant.

Beside an easel that presented side-by-side pictures of the celebrities he invoked, Gutierrez said the “show me your papers” aspect of Arizona’s policy isn’t just a problem for anyone who looks “like they might have come to America from somewhere else. It’s a problem for every American who cares about freedom.” Sarcastically commending Arizona law enforcement for being able to discern undocumented immigrants not by their looks, Gutierrez said, “Maybe with practice we can all become like Arizona politicians and police officers who are able to telepathically determine who to accuse of not belonging in America.”

Guess Which One’s The Immigrant includes an amazing pronunciation of “Geraldo Rivera”, segues into Justin Bieber learning about his adopted homeland from Selena Gomez and peaks with California’s Jeremy Lin being compared/contrasted with Belgium’s Tony Parker. The only way he could’ve made it more applicable to the Internet would be a page that was nothing but the Kate Upton GQ cover so he could point at it, say “this is Kate Upton” and flip to the next page without mentioning immigrants.

He’s making a good point. No law should exist where you can legally just look at somebody and decide they’re something. That’s day one manners. Get your shit together, Arizona, and don’t make Gutierrez break out the cat memes.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]