Ah, the 1990s … when gas was a dollar a gallon, Jenny McCarthy wasn’t making sociopolitical statements and all you needed to launch an expansion team was a bad market and the color purple (or teal). It was a time that gave us the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, the Vancouver Grizzlies and the most 1990s team of all, the Toronto Raptors. You saw Jurassic Park, didn’t you? Of course you did! And you loved it, right? Of course you did! HERE, HAVE A BASKETBALL TEAM. If they’d come along a few years later they would’ve been the “Toronto Independence Days.”
If you’re like me, you’ll be horrified to realize that Jurassic Park was released 20 years ago and that you are now old and think movies where dinosaurs eat guys on the toilet are dumb. Not Jurassic Park, though, the other ones. Jurassic Park is still amazing. But yeah, time marches on, the Florida Marlins go black and neon (and depressing) and become Miami, the Vancouver Grizzles drop the teal and relocate to Tennessee to become a real team, and the kids of 2013 don’t immediately think “RAPTORS” when you ask them to name something cool.
The best part is that a guy who can create exploding chemistry bombs is getting bossed around by his wife. “That’s it, you’re DONE!” I’d be like, “f**k you, eat a face of death bubbles” and just spread gun that sh*t at her. Via Buzzfeed.
Pot, Meet Kettle: Shaq Calls Dwight Howard Leaving Orlando A “Travesty” - Now he’s got to start insulting peoples’ terrible rap albums and genie movies. [Smoking Section]
20 Most Cromulent ‘Simpsons’ GIFs - I was hoping the Grandpa Simpson “walks in, sees Bart, turns right around and leaves” gif from the Maison Derrière would make the cut. [Warming Glow]
Submit your questions for our first “Ask a Porn Dude,” with Seymour Butts - Two-parter: “Can you get me Shane from Shane’s World’s phone number, and if so, how much would she like to sleep with someone who is extremely nostalgic about her?” [Film Drunk]
The 10 Definitive Nicolas Cage GIFs - It must be weird when 10% of you is a genius, and 90% of you is just AHHH THE BEES NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES AHGGGHHHH [UPROXX]
International Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Shows New Action - Spider-Man battles The Shocker, can’t see him because he’s looking through yellow eyes, gets shocked, dies. [Gamma Squad]
In Case You Were Wondering, Chris Brown Is Still The Absolute Worst - If I could put one fandom on The Magic School Bus and tell Ms. Frizzle to pilot that sh*t into the sun, it would be Team Breezy. [UPROXX]
Shirtless Jeff Goldblum Pretty Much Demanded Jurassic Parks And Rec To Happen - That “I thought it was terrible wine” line still makes me laugh. Everything needs to get mashed up with Jurassic Park. [UPROXX]
Bill O’Reilly To Kate Upton: “Get Off My Lawn!” - Re-linked here to help meet our Kate Upton quota for the day. The best part is that O’Reilly thinks the dancing is what we like about her video. [With Leather]
Ten More GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Undeniably Exciting Thing In Sports Right Now - The most exciting thing about sports is that pitchers and catchers report this month, but I’ll give it to them, Lin is #2. #3 is slam dunks! [Buzzfeed]
Man Suffers Heart Attack While Eating at Heart Attack Grill - Hold on, I need to put in my monocle before I write about this story. [Popcrush]
11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Caine’s Career - “Come on, it wasn’t that funny of a movie” has to be this generation’s most damning insult. Also, Cars 2 blew so hard. [Pajiba]
Eight Giant Movie Plot Holes in Eight Images - Some of these are good (the Toy Story one in particular made me go, “ha, oh man, you’re right”) and some aren’t (Star Trek, Jurassic Park). Regardless, it’s something I’d like to see more of. [Unreality]
Nas Tells His Craziest Party Story Ever - “One time when I was chillin’, I grabbed the buddha, got my crew to buy beers, and I watched a flick … of course, I was both illin’ and rooting for the villian. Anyway … huh?” [Brobible]
The Ten Most Ridiculous Skyrim Bugs and Glitches So Far - I’m still bummed about losing Lydia in that battle with Malkoran. Thanks for teleporting me through the door she can’t unlock, you stupid lightbulb God. I tried waiting forever and fast traveling but she was nowhere to be found, and eventually it told me she got tired of waiting and left. Frown. [Unreality]
This Is Why You Don’t Propose Marriage on National TV, Doofus - Poor guy. You’re supposed to propose beforehand, then stage it to look like a real proposal so you can be on TV. [Warming Glow]
8 Pop Culture Droste Effect GIFS That Will Blow Your Mind - I haven’t been this happy to learn a term since The Venture Bros. taught me “the Valsalva maneuver” [UPROXX]
10 Terrible Pieces of Merchandise Angry Birds is Pushing Its Luck With This Christmas - Remember when South Park was like this, and every store had like TIMMY UMBRELLA CARTMAN INFLATABLE PLUSH CANOE MR. GARRISON BEAN BAG CHAIR FILLED WITH GAK and we thought it’d last forever? [Gamma Squad]
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Poster Is Cool, I Guess - I’m really, really tired of crap like this. I’m more excited for the actual Abraham Lincoln movie. [Film Drunk]
The Most Terrifying Celebrity Faces Of 2011 - Ali Lohan is terrifying. [Buzzfeed]
No One Is Buying Lindsay Lohan Edition Of Playboy - And speaking of Lohans, “she didn’t show enough pussy” is the funniest and worst complaint about Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread. Have you ever SEEN a Playboy? Did you expect a lot of DP shots? [FARK]
Beetles Dressed As ‘Jurassic Park’ Characters Could Be the Weirdest Thing on the Internet - It makes me laugh, it makes me confused AND it makes me want to watch Jurassic Park again. Win win win. [The FW]
We’re Never Going Back. 8 Sh*tty “Lost” Knock-Offs - Nothing better than clues to a mystery that nobody intends to solve, am I right? There’s got to be a happy medium between Lost and Modern Family. [Pajiba]
20 Most Cromulent ‘Simpsons’ GIFs - I was hoping the Grandpa Simpson “walks in, sees Bart, turns right around and leaves” gif from the Maison Derrière would make the cut. [
8 Pop Culture Droste Effect GIFS That Will Blow Your Mind - I haven’t been this happy to learn a term since The Venture Bros. taught me “the Valsalva maneuver” [
