Links

Donate Money So Matt Will Wear Weird Underwear - I have never raised over $20,000 for any purpose in my life, including personal happiness, so if Matt Ufford wants to do it in the spirit of wearing a false mustache, so be it. It’s a good cause, and the only downside is in finding out that jeans-style boxer briefs exist. [Rapid Giving~]

What UFC Must Do To Avoid A Meltdown On FOX - 1) Give each fight a fictionalized back story, so every fight becomes interesting, 2) Pre-determine the results of the fights so the action and conclusions will be entertaining, 3) have people bounce back and keep running forward when they’re pulled into the cage by their arm. [Cage Potato]

Say Goodbye To The Belly Putter - Golf’s dumbest accessory is finally (partially) illegal. Thank Christ. Now we just need to ban tartan pants and fatness. [Devil Ball Golf]

“World’s Smallest Man.” Guess The Network - TLC is absolutely a Depression Era sideshow. Can we get this dude into an Inch High Private Eye movie, at least? [Warming Glow]

George Lucas Can’t Stop Adding Dialogue To Star Wars - There is no joke to be made here that Family Guy hasn’t made 300 times, but Lord, you’d think George Lucas could be happy with the one thing he helped make that wasn’t absolutely terrible. American Graffiti sucked, deal with it. [UPROXX]

Video: Arnold and John Milius On Conan - Probably the best commentary track ever, once you’re of a certain age and stop finding Kevin Smith funny. Arnold’s weird interest in the movie parallels my own, where I’m watching and going OH HERE COMES THE GUY WHO BUYS CONAN as if anyone listening could possibly care. [Film Drunk]

Anti-Duckface - Occasional duckface can be cute, if there is ironic context, or if the girl is hot enough. Constant duckface is a red flag for I DO NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE IN MY LOOKS and should be replaced with Not Taking Pictures. [Antiduckface]

The Ultimate Image Of Boston - A follow-up to the above link. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Apollo 18 Still Looks Like Paranormal Blair Witch Moon - Blair Witch is scary because I could go into the woods at night and be killed by something. Paranormal Activity is scary because someone could get me while I’m sleeping and kill me. Apollo 18 is not scary because none of us are ever going to the f**king moon to be attacked by secret monsters. [Gamma Squad]

Football Guys - In case you missed it, Jon of The Dugout fame has started doing our Deadspin feature “Football Guys” at SB Nation. Guess what it is about! [SBN]

Superbook: The Flood - An old thing I wrote for Progressive Boink about Christian anime that you should read, find funny, and e-mail somebody about so I can get out of this sports writing racket and go where the good money is, in stream of consciousness reviews of old cartoons. [Progressive Boink]

10 Actors Who Should Be More Famous - Ten pictures of that guy who played Alan M. in Josie and the Pussycats, helped kill David Gale (or something) and showed up a few times to almost nail Betty Draper on Mad Men. Ten photos. [Pajiba]

Sports

11 Questions With Bob Sapp - I don’t think I could limit my questions for Bob Sapp to 11. One of them would have to be “do you think it was scientifically probable that the Great Muta’s poisoned mist impregnated Yinling the Erotic Terrorist, and if so, do you think there’s a logical reason why it would’ve impregnated her with a monster?” [Cage Potato]

Georgetown Hoyas Basketball Brawl In China - Watch a bunch of Chinese Thugs pick a fight with the Georgetown Hoyas. Or, for a more accurate analysis, “watch young people without perspective on the world fight each other for no real reason all around the world”. [Smoking Section]

UFC On Fox - I would pay good money for a The Ultimate Fighter/Glee crossover, but I know it would end with them pantomiming “Love Is A Battlefield” with a big spinning octagon in the background. Glee is maybe the worst thing ever. Maybe. [Cagewriter]

Athletic Supporter: Little League Dad - Punte said it best: “Grand total of f**ks given here about the Little League World Series: 0.00″. [Tauntr]

With Leather

Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Mark Sanchez - Rex Ryan says Mark Sanchez is an elite NFL quarterback. In a related story, Clint Hurdle says Andy Marte is still one of the best prospects in baseball. And he thinks his GQ spread was hot as sh**, no homo. [With Leather]

The World’s Fattest Lady Wants To Be Fatter - Of course she does. Click here to find out what happens when Kaneda can’t stop her transformation in time. [With Leather]

Headlocks Are False Imprisonment - If putting your sister in a headlock can land you in jail, I’m happy the cops never found out about that time I put my friend’s girlfriend in the Liontamer on a diving board. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Part 2 will be arriving shortly, so treat this like a REAL Final Destination movie: you have to see the first one or none of it will make sense. Just kidding, a blind kitten could explain the plot of Final Destination 4 in about twenty seconds. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Best Wishes, Tara Reid: Celebrating Hollywood’s All-Time Shortest Marriages - Losing Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Connelly to waifish adulthood was sad, losing busty teen redhead Lindsay Lohan to drugs was worse, but losing Josie and The Pussycats-era Tara Reid to whatever happened to Tara Reid is the worst. She was SO CUTE, ARGH. [UPROXX]

Armond White’s 30 Minutes or Less Review Is a Masterpiece - Every lame nerd you’ve argued with on the internet should aspire to be Armond White. New professional goal: use the term “bourgeois” in a baseball recap. [Film Drunk]

TV Chefs Be Fightin’ - Hopefully this leads to Giada de Laurentiis killing Bobby Flay with a javelin, or any kind of large spear. I’m weird, I just want to see Giada in her own Conan The Barbarian thing. [Warming Glow]

What’s the most unfortunately-named band you could possibly think of to play a 9/11 concert? - I was gonna go with …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, but this is pretty good too. [FARK]

Sports

Vintage Promos: Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer Goes Full Force - In an effort to get all the people who hate me covering wrestling to be okay with it (or even enjoy it), here’s a classic from my days at “AOL News” featuring IPW’s most famous full force-going table-turner Jeff Farmer. If you aren’t laughing at the first word out of his mouth, there’s no hope for you. [HuffPo Presents The Sporting News]

Troy Polamalu Tries To Go Viral - I almost wrote about this yesterday, then thought about it for about four seconds and realized I’d be more or less posting about Powerade commercials. In no universe can you swipe at someone’s giant mess with hair clippers and come away with a perfect bald spot. The comments on the video are hilarious, though. [Shutdown Corner]

Nic Cage’s Son Plans to Prove Sanity by Becoming a Cage Fighter - He’s been practicing on his pregnant wife all year, so I’m sure he’ll do fine. Turns out Nicholas Cage’s son is more like a Napoleon Dynamite character than anyone in the world, including the guy that played Napoleon Dynamite. [Film Drunk]

Gallery: 10 Insane MMA Fan Tattoos - I think tattoos are beautiful, and I think body modification should have no social boundaries. That being said, 99% of people who have an idea for a tattoo should be shackled and thrown into a pit before being allowed to get them. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Dugout: The Upper Upper Deck - Jim Thome hits a huge home run and I finally get around to writing about it in capital letters. I lost my old copy of Photoshop when my computer crashed and I’m trying to build these things with paint and f’ing Netscape Navigator. If you can help a brother out, please do so. [The Dugout]

Evan Longoria Is Digging Alex Morgan -As a blogger and longtime fan, I know baseball players are the kings of pretending you don’t exist. That’s part of what makes this so funny. Oh, okay Kyle Farnsworth, if I was a hot soccer star you’d want to do an interview with me? Good to know. [With Leather]

20 More Wrestling Clips for Attack of the Show to “Discover” - If the Jeff Farmer video didn’t work, try this collection of videos from the world of independent wrestling that involve scared children, strippers, plush wrestling dragons and more. [With Leather]

The Tosh.0 Marathon - I was proud yesterday when my girlfriend mentioned that “Parks and Recreation” is “probably [her] favorite show”. Previously it was Tosh. Maybe she got sick of watching people break their bones and vomit. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Top 20 Villainous Laughs - A great list, but completely invalid due to the omission of Fiona, head of Mega Records from Josie and the Pussycats. Maybe they’re saving her for the top 20 instances of people yelling LIGHTS and having lights turn on. [Gamma Squad]

Andrew WK Likes Comics More Than You - Yeah, but I bet I like partying way more than him. [Adult Swim]

Which Nurse From Popular Culture Would You Prefer Be Treated By - As someone who was sick a lot as a kid I don’t entertain that nurse fantasy, and if I was in the hospital I’d want someone to make me well, not have sex with me. That being said, I’d probably pick Ann Perkins, because she’s been a nurse for a long time and seems like she’s good at her job, and also is extremely pretty. [Uproxx]

Maybe the Dumbest Woman In America - smdh [Warming Glow]