horrifying photo credit: Shutterstock.com
Look at this guy. Haven’t you always wanted to smell like him? Now you can!
Today’s Dugout is after the jump.
Two important notes:
1. I did not make this up, I swear to God.
2. The Dugout template is being difficult, so please excuse our mess.
Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers has hit six home runs in the series against the Baltimore Orioles, including Tuesday’s game wherein he became only the sixth player in the history of the American League to hit four homers in a single game. He went 5-for-5 and drove in eight runs, four of which were Elvis Andrus and four of which were himself. Believe it or not, that’s not the highlight for me.
I grew up in Virginia as an O’s fan (before moving to Cleveland and discovering how much more fun perennial losing is when it’s racist), so the coolest and most mythic thing you can do at Oriole Park in Camden Yards is bank a ball off the B&O Warehouse in right. Ken Griffey Jr. did it during the 1993 Home Run Derby. I’ve sworn for years that I saw Pete Incaviglia do it once during batting practice, but I can’t verify it.
During Thursday’s game, Josh Hamilton hit the warehouse. Not only that, he hit a window on the second floor of it. Excuse me as I revert back to 13-year old me and say, “holy sh*t”. Video is below.
$10 says they broke the bed.
My buddy texted me this morning to ask what Game 6 looked like through the eyes of a St. Louis Cardinals fan last night, and it took me about 3 hours to respond. I’ve never seen anything so remarkable, so bipolar, so… baseball, in all my life. One second I’m on a stool, rope wrapped tightly around my neck, just waiting for Matt Holliday to kick the legs out. The next I’m screaming for Jon Jay to haul his unkempt afro to home plate. It was way too stressful for a guy with a long family history of high blood pressure, but it was amazing nonetheless.
There are three types of sports fans – the kind that love baseball (like Brandon and I do), the kind that don’t have a problem with baseball but don’t love it enough to watch a game that they don’t have a horse in, and the kind that think baseball sucks. That third kind usually still owns a New York Yankees hat. I don’t think there’s a way in this world that anyone didn’t think last night’s Game 6 between the Cardinals and the Texas Rangers wasn’t the most incredible game they’ve ever witnessed. And we thought it couldn’t get better than the last game of the regular season.
The Cardinals won 10-9 in the bottom of the 11th on a walk-off blast by David Freese to dead center. This game featured boneheaded errors, 28 hits in total, and more World Series firsts than I can even list right now. So let’s recap the game in pictures, or at least the parts I can remember.
Because I couldn't not use this image.
As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as more intelligent, sophisticated, and gritty than other baseball fans. That’s why I can brush the dirt off my shoulders when it comes to the national sports media crapping all over the Redbirds over the past month. The Cardinals are heading to their third World Series in 8 years, but you should all know that they don’t deserve it and their pitching stinks.
Quick recap: In late August, the Cardinals were 10.5 games back in the Wild Card race. At one point, they were also 11 games back of the Milwaukee Brewers. But none of that mattered because the Boston Red Sox were in a bizarre tailspin, allowing the Tampa Bay Rays to climb back into contention, and nobody really cared that the Atlanta Braves and Cardinals were in the same boat because screw their middle market butts.
Regardless, we don’t need to recap too much, but you know what happened next and today I am a very happy boy. Too bad my youthful exuberance isn’t shared by the mainstream fellas, as one poopy pants thinks the Cardinals don’t belong on the main stage this week.
The Texas Rangers have been one of my favorite teams for almost as long as I’ve been a fan of baseball. The best part about the Rangers is that they’re completely alright with handling bags of explosives. Every major dickhead I’ve ever come to love has decked out in the blue or red then blue again then red again then blue again. Even Elvis Andrus alternate bp warmups are retro!
The Rangers’ most recent fireworks display comes in the form of 23 year-old Leonys Martin. He defected from Cuba in 2010 for the opportunity to escape communism. Or he caught wind of Fatburger and is hoping for a trade to the Dodgers before he retires to sunny, breezy communist torture-jail.
Please enjoy today’s Dugout. I sure hope Ron Washington doesn’t know what the internet is.
Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.
DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.
So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?
Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.
Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?
DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.
Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…
