If I’m making a list of things I love and have to constantly defend, “baseball” and “Final Fantasy games” are at the top of the list. I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan who has had to justify every crummy “rebuilding” season of fire-sale trades, and I’ve had the “NO, FINAL FANTASY IV IS THE BEST ONE” video game hipster conversation more times than I’d like to admit. I mean, VI is better than IV, but I rep IV.

What I’m saying is that this preview of the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays season in J-RPG form is relevant to my interests.

I swear to God I played this game as a child. I think it was included on some Nintendo 90 games on one cartridge collection.

At the time it didn’t make sense, but now it’s crystal clear.

There’s a lot of gold to be found in the clip (Reyes being weak against artificial turf is especially choice), and while it might not live up to the epic Final Fantasy joke execution of lasagna using Merton in that one episode of Lasagna Cat, it’s what I like to see in my MLB parody videos. Spoiler alert: if you sleep at an inn with Colby Rasmus in your party, you can see one of four dreams about finishing in third place.

[h/t to Sportress]

If you didn’t see enough of it last night as the news initially broke, you’re going to see plenty of columns, editorials and fiery rants today about how Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is a scumbag because he is willingly killing his second baseball franchise because he’s horrible at what he does. And many of them will be great – I like this effort by Yahoo!’s Jeff Passan and this more subtle rundown by Deadspin – because as much as writers, analysts and experts love to argue about every little meaningless thing in sports, hatred for Loria runs deep within the majority. Jeffrey Loria destroyed the Montreal Expos and now he is destroying the Miami Marlins. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

So why? Why did the Marlins trade Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson, John Buck, Emilio Bonifacio and Mark Buehrle to the Toronto Blue Jays for Yunel Escobar and several prospects that don’t even include Toronto’s best? Was it a brilliant move to clear money? Was it an admittance of mistakes in even signing Reyes and Buehrle in the first place? Was it just the same old fire sale that we’ve come to expect from the Marlins? Or is it more likely the story of a man under investigation by the SEC for allegedly fleecing the city of Miami in the construction of a new baseball stadium that he couldn’t even fill with a stable of stars because he already created a product so tainted within the community that people refuse to buy in until his stink is washed away?

Read the rest of this entry »

Jose Reyes suddenly catches pop flies like George Michael Bluth. Better luck next year, Marlins. (via Laugh At Sports)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

UPROXX Live Q&A With Paul Scheer Of ‘NTSF’ & ‘The League’ |Warming Glow|

The 20 Definitive Zach Galifianakis GIFs |UPROXX|

Ron Perlman Is In Drag OH GOD PASS THE EYE BLEACH |Film Drunk|

Sports On TV: The Wire’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

Chinese Bootleg Avengers Subtitles > ‘The Avengers’ |Gamma Squad|

Dear Struggling Rapper, Here Are 5 Easy Steps To Success |Smoking Section|

Ed Reed Shows Up To Camp Hungry |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Question Of The Day: What Do Rick Ross’ First Week Sales Numbers Mean? |Smoking Section|

Creepy Woody Is Back, No Action Figure Is Safe |Gamma Squad|

Frotcast 112: Total Recall, & Prison Stories with Matthew Parker |Film Drunk|

Music Video Breakdown: Hero By Enrique Iglesias |Warming Glow|

The 10 Greatest Lyrics From The Gathering Of The Juggalos |UPROXX|

Read the rest of this entry »

This weekend was a busy one for me — attending Wrestlemania XXVIII, meeting Dave “Masked Man” Shoemaker from Grantland, trying to figure out what the sh*t a “Sun Pass” is — but one of the biggest highlights was attending Sunday’s exhibition game between the New York Yankees and the new look Miami Marlins in brand-spanking-new Marlins Park in Miami.

There’s been a lot of talk about the new stadium, mostly about how it cost too much to build and how they wanted a motorized nightmare machine in center. I got there early (on the same day as Wrestlemania, because I love to pay for parking) to take a few pictures and share the experience with you guys, because holy crap, if you think the fish machine is bad you haven’t seen everything else.

Take a look and let me know what you think. Worst case scenario, you’ll get to see a sweet Bobblehead Museum. And “Katherine”. Katherine was awesome.

Read the rest of this entry »

Actually, I give Sports Illustrated a lot of credit for going with that terrible pun on their cover, because I assume that it was meant tongue-in-cheek. After all, Sports Illustrated has featured New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin on its cover something like 63 times in the last 9 days, so it’s cute that SI can make fun of itself and the rest of the national media for relentlessly blowing this kid while so many other interesting stories have been overlooked. I mean, did they even see the Kate Upton Carl’s Jr. commercial?

But since baseball season is creeping up on us, and it’s my favorite time of the year, I thought I could help SI out with some future headlines in case they decide to reflect on the Miami Marlins’ season and the excitement surrounding their big additions of Jose Reyes, Carlos Zambrano and Mark Buerhle.

MARLINJURIES: Jose Reyes hits the DL because he’s Jose Reyes.
MARLINCARCERATION: Carlos Zambrano facing murder charges after Mike Stanton homers off of him in batting practice.
MARLIN THE RED: Front office stress builds as attendance dips below 6 people.
MARLINSOLVENT: Jeff Loria busted paying players with checks printed on Saltines.
MARLINDICTED: Ozzie Guillen finally brought down after chewing Jeff Loria’s spine from out of his rectum.

See? They practically write themselves.

Attention: Flushing-area alcoholics — stop by your local Modell’s Sporting Goods on the way out and pick up a gross of discounted Mets merch, because Foley’s NY Pub and Restaurant is offering free drinks in exchange for Jose Reyes jerseys. It’s sorta like what happened in Cleveland, but with a better attitude and fewer bonfires.

The ad campaign, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:

“New York baseball is feeling a swirl of emotions as Jose Reyes heads south this winter. We’re giving Mets fans a chance to drown their sorrows, or celebrate, and bid adios to Jose, one of the best and most popular Mets players ever,” said Shaun Clancy, owner of Foley’s. “By doing this, we can have a little fun and donate to clothing drives for people who are less fortunate.”

So it’s sorta like sending all those TEXAS RANGERS WORLD CHAMPIONS 2011 t-shirts to Africa, but the Africa you’re clothing is down the street.

Take the drinks, New York, you’re going to need them.