Last time we visited the awesomeness that is Jose Canseco’s Twitter, he was desperate to retain legal services so he could get his chandeliers back from his landlord. Now he’s desperate for a chance to play Major League Baseball again. Over the past few weeks, the 46-year old has Tweeted his fervent belief that he could still be a home run champion if someone gave him a shot to be a DH. Most recently, he has been begging GM Sandy Alderson for a shot to play first base for the New York Mets. If only that pesky MLB Gestapo would stop interfering with Jose’s dream.

Back in August, Canseco signed a deal to be a bench coach and DH for the Laredo Broncos of the United Baseball League, but Canseco also claims that he made a verbal agreement with an unnamed team in the Puerto Rican Baseball League two days ago. Unfortunately, according to a Canseco Tweet from about 4 am EST, MLB put the kybosh on that plan, as Canseco believes that he has not been playing because the league still has him blacklisted and not because he’s 4 years from 50 and his last noteworthy MLB season was 1999.

Anywho, let’s see what the slugger has been chatting about recently, and these have not been edited for accuracy or grammar…

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In between playing for the United Baseball League’s Laredo Broncos and practicing mixed martial arts, former steroid user and current Major League Baseball pariah Jose Canseco has a Twitter account. I’m not going to mince words here – Jose’s Twitter is awesome. Most recently, the former Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, Tampa Bay Rays, New York Yankees and Chicago White Sox – in no specific order – player claimed that the show Eastbound and Down is based on his life. Because we famously remember Canseco as a foul-mouthed redneck relief pitcher.

But despite the glaring inaccuracy of his claim, Canseco believes that the show should bring him on as a consultant. And that makes sense because Canseco is f*cking broke and is desperate for anything. According to the history of his Tweets, he’s not making any money by playing in the UBL and he’s been evicted and is living in someone’s garage. Aside from that, though, Canseco is staying positive because he’s achieving his dream of still hitting home runs in a softball league at the age of 46, and he’s putting haters in their places, despite MLB’s conspiracy to keep him down.

Samples of his awesomeness after the jump.

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As if the life of Jose Canseco wasn’t pathetic enough already, the former steroid abuser and snitch has stepped into the boxing ring to fight, you guessed it, a guy in his 60′s.

Canseco dropped a four-round decision to Gary Hogan, an assistant athletic trainer from the University of Arkansas-Little Rock (Who? –Ed). Hogan scheduled the exhibition to raise money for a boxing gym. Canseco fought to raise money for himself…He made somewhere between $10,000 to $25,000. This is getting ugly with Jose..I heard he shoves a baseball up his you know what in the new Jackass 3D for a cycle of Winny and some Vicodin-TO –Terez Owens

Jose must be in some pretty serious debt, because that’s humiliation at it’s finest. I’d like to think that Jose was holding back his full might, because the event was for charity, but it’s hard to tell. He’s throwing some pretty soft punches. Or maybe he isn’t, his arms are made of 95% water. I wonder what makes up Jose’s arms. I’m thinking water, stem cells, broken dreams, and a black hole for any dignity within a five mile region. Read the rest of this entry »

MMA Junkie has the poop on DREAM.9, the latest event from the Japan-based mixed martial arts outfit DREAM, which probably stands for something to do with molesting people on a subway. Anyway, the card for DREAM.9 on May 26th will be highlighted by an eight-man Super Hulk tournament, and among the participants is–I kid you not–is one Jose Canseco.

The open-weight tournament, roughly translated as the “World Superman Championship,” will continue later this summer with a semifinal round and a grand finale.

Canseco, meanwhile, makes his MMA debut after an MLB career that concluded with a tell-all book about steroid use in baseball (and a subsequent cold shoulder from the industry). Canseco, who claims to be a decorated martial artist, has been competing in exhibition boxing matches as of late. Former NFL player Vai Sikahema recently defeated Canseco via knockout, and former child actor Danny Bonaduce recently fought him to a majority draw.

Jose’s first round bout will be against Hong Man Choi. That means nothing to me. I just enjoy saying Hong Man Choi. Expect Canseco to attempt a liberation coup of Cuba in 2011 and then maybe a cookbook the year after that. Mark Maguire, conversely, will spend this weekend planting tomato bulbs and complaining under his breath about the wait in the drive-thru at McDonalds. I’m glad I never played baseball.