The actual plot of this video, according to the YouTube description:

Jose Canseco gets pissed at umpire, gets ejected from game, then brother Ozzie comes out and he gets ejected from the game, couldn’t tell why, but sign language says it pretty well.

The plot of the video according to me:

Somebody starts playing “Mambo Number 5″ by Lou Bega at the San Fernando Valley Skateboard Monsterz park (or wherever Canseco hangs around now) and Jose gets pissed and confronts an umpire about it. Jose thinks the choice of music is “bullsh**”, and starts screaming it over and over until he’s ejected. This makes him angry, so “Rock Me Like a Hurricane” starts playing to sort of illustrate his anger and everybody gets ejected.

And I mean, who can blame him? If I had to listen to the entirety of Mambo Number 5 in 2011 I’d flip out and start screaming bullsh** at people, too. Of course I didn’t do horse tranq and uppers for two decades like Jose, so it probably would’ve been limited to me poking my head out of the dugout and saying “Jesus, can somebody turn that off?” to nobody in particular.

Part of me really wants to see Ozzie Guillen get thrown out of a game to “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba now.

[H/T We the West]

At long last, here is your full, high-definition theatrical trailer for Moneyball, the Aaron Sorkin adaptation of the book by Michael M. Lewis (not Billy Beane). You’d think more people would know Michael Lewis wrote the book, considering that his name is in huge red letters and bigger than the title and subtitle. In case you need to be caught up, here’s a succinct-ish synopsis from ComingSoon.net.

Based on a true story, Moneyball is a movie for anybody who has ever dreamed of taking on the system. Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the general manager of the Oakland A’s and the guy who assembles the team, who has an epiphany: all of baseball’s conventional wisdom is wrong. Forced to reinvent his team on a tight budget, Beane will have to outsmart the richer clubs. The onetime jock teams with Ivy League grad Peter Brand (Jonah Hill) in an unlikely partnership, recruiting bargain players that the scouts call flawed, but all of whom have an ability to get on base, score runs, and win games. It’s more than baseball, it’s a revolution – one that challenges old school traditions and puts Beane in the crosshairs of those who say he’s tearing out the heart and soul of the game.

The cast of “Major League” accomplished this exact same movie without any math or stats by using self-esteem and a communal hatred of women. You can tell this is Hollywood because then-Network Associates Coliseum is PITCH BLACK. When they show that clip of the outfielders missing a ball, I didn’t think “these guys aren’t good at baseball”, I thought “how is Eric Byrnes supposed to catch a pop fly on the deck of the f**king Starship Enterprise?” All it needed was lens flares. That shadowy Social Network filter is just as bad as the urine glaze they use for horror remakes.

Hopefully I can get my Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big adaptation greenlit (shortened Hollywood title: How Baseball). It’s just two hours and forty minutes of Karl Urban as Jose Canseco contemplating steroids in a hallway closet.

[sauce]

David Eckstein is living the dream. Despite showing no obvious talent for baseball and being the size of a petite woman, Eck spent ten years in the Major Leagues, won two World Series championships, and somehow (according to Wikipedia) got a grown woman to sleep with David Eckstein. After a career of doing the impossible, he’s taking on a new goal: convincing people that baseball players can be decent human beings.

The Eckstein family is really into donating kidneys, and David is next on the list. He hasn’t officially retired, either, which means that he could show up on the Astros or the Marlins or whoever this season with only one operable kidney, hitting .270 and stealing 11-ish bases like nobody else possibly could.

Today’s Dugout is in tribute to a loving man who never stopped being kind of okay and trying really hard.

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Fans of celebrity boxing (Read: broke gamblers) were incredibly disappointed Saturday night when they realized that Jose Canseco wasn’t himself when he showed up for his fight at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida. It was actually his twin brother Ozzie Canseco pretending to be Jose, and the scheme was busted by some fans who noticed the difference in the brothers’ tattoos. This of course begs the question – why the hell do people know what Ozzie Canseco’s tattoos look like?

Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman expressed his disgust with the entire situation, explaining that he already paid Jose $5,000 up front and Ozzie demanded the other $5,000 in cash when he arrived to fight. Feldman explained that he needed to pay by check, and then someone yelled, “Hey, that’s not Jose Canseco!” resulting in a few thousand monocles shattering on the floor.

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A month before the Boston Red Sox won their second World Series title in franchise history, pitcher “Smoky” Joe Wood was the target of a devious assassination conspiracy that rocked professional baseball to its core. Well, not really, because an actual death threat sent to the pitcher was only recently discovered by the gumshoes at Bugs and Cranks only 99 years after it was originally sent.

It appears that some dastardly villains in Cleveland didn’t want the Sox to defeat the New York Giants, and they knew that Wood was probably going to be a considerable part of Boston’s effort, as he was an excellent pitcher. Threats be damned, because Wood went on to record the W’s in three of Boston’s four wins and he survived until 1985, when nature’s assassin, old age, finally caught up to him.

Here’s the translation with no changes to the grammar that would still be considered passing in Florida public schools…

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In between leading a crusade for truth in baseball and begging New York Mets GM Sandy Alderson to let him play first base, Jose Canseco apparently made a deal to be a contestant on the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice. And I’m shocked to have found out about this from People Magazine and not Canseco himself, who Tweets pretty much everything in his personal life. However, we still don’t know if he ever got his chandeliers back. Don’t leave us hanging, bro.

The next season of Celebrity Apprentice will start up on March 6 and Canseco will star alongside Gary Busey and I’m going to stop right there. This is a pop culture blogger’s wet dream come true. This is two types of awesome crazy and the ratings should be nothing less than “greatest ever.” So what exactly goes into the selection process, Donald Trump?

Now, they’re actually turning people away. “We turned down 35 to 40 people,” Trump says. “We really qualify people.”

The other stars who made the cut include Lil Jon, singer John Rich, Mark McGrath, Playmate Hope Dworaczyk, Marlee Matlin, Lisa Rinna, model Niki Taylor and Star Jones, whom Trump called “really, really smart.” (People Magazine)

Also on this cast are Meatloaf, LaToya Jackson, Dionne Warwick, and David Cassidy, so Trump should have added an extra “really” in there out of respect. If this is the actual cast, who the hell did they turn down? 35 to 40 people weren’t good enough because LaToya and Canseco were really qualified, so they must have been turning away people like the dude who punched Snooki and Ryan Leaf. Admittedly, those would have been awesome choices, too.

After the jump, enjoy some video of Busey, McGrath, Meatloaf and Lil Jon selling pizza for the upcoming season…

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