I really need to update my Google News alert, because I’m upset that a story involving former WWE wrestler Chyna and the Adult Video News Awards didn’t end up in my inbox a little earlier. But as the annual AVN Awards were held on Jan. 21 in Las Vegas, news is just now surfacing that (read: people outside of the porn industry might suddenly care) Joanie Laurer (AKA Chyna) was acting really strange on the red carpet. Funny, I would have expected a bare floor*.
Perverts, I mean witnesses claimed that Laurer showed up with incredibly glazed over eyes while she acted increasingly strange for the photographers. But honestly, if a gigantic muscular woman, who once made a sex tape with X-Pac, strangling comedian Dave Attell after making fists and mean faces for the photographers is acting strange, then I just don’t know what that word means anymore.
As always, if you’re not following Jose Canseco on Twitter, you are missing out on treat after misspelled treat, including random emotional outbursts, sad claims that he could still produce at the Major League level, and requests for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back. If you do follow Jose, then you know that this past summer was an emotional rollercoaster for him, as he went through some tough times with his girlfriend and model, Leila Shennib. Here’s a quick recap:
The couple broke up in July, prompting Canseco to issue a series of Tweets accusing Shennib of using him for fame, most likely to get her own reality show. He called her a “man eater” as he warned other stars that she might get her claws on. It should also be pointed out that nobody on this planet would watch a show about Canseco’s ex-girlfriends.
Well, as it turns out, Canseco wasn’t the only person spreading lies. Somewhere between that statement and last night’s “Battle of the Baseball Bad Boys” (their name, not mine) Dykstra pulled out of the fight, and he might’ve pocketed $5,000 of the promoter’s cash before doing so. This is where the story gets very Sports By Brooks, so try to stay with me. From the Philadelphia Inquirer, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:
(Fight promoter Damon) Feldman said moments ago that he and main promoter Alki David met Dykstra on Thursday and paid him cash. The former Phillies star was to receive another $10,000 after the fight but informed promoters around 6 EST tonight that he would not show up.
Dan Herman, who until severing ties tonight with Dykstra had served as a manager for him, arranged Dykstra’s participation in the bout and confirmed that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance and has pulled out of the fight. “I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie,” Herman said.
That makes both Canseco and Dykstra liars, for the record. But who can show up to call the promoter a liar? Why, a local weatherman, of course!
If you’ve ever wanted to see two desperate-for-fame baseball players from the 1980s sadly destroying each other while an Octomom and possibly an also-ran Kardashian cheer them on, this is the story for you — embattled former slugger and mouth-haver Lenny Dykstra has been named a replacement opponent for Jose Canseco’s upcoming Foxy Celebrity Boxing match. He’s got a great reason for doing it, too, that has nothing to do with money or people looking at him through cameras!
Alki David, founder and CEO of FilmOn.com Networks, announced today that he has approved the last minute change in the upcoming title fight between controversial baseball player Jose Canseco and Tareq Salahi, the White House Party Crasher.
“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.
I want to see Canseco punch him in the jaw and cause the left side of his face to explode like a tobacco-filled pimple.
The press release then quickly jumps to explaining what “virtual cable television” is and spends seven paragraphs explaining how it works. Here’s the gist: You can watch television on the Internet, and on one of that television’s channels is a title fight (not sure which title, possibly “most depressing person”) between a 48-year old convict in physical and emotional shambles and a 47-year old who once fought Danny Bonaduce to a draw. Oh, and that 48-year old had to beg a guy who got temporarily famous for sneaking into parties to get his spot. On a different channel you can watch somebody catch and gut a fish, which should be a more humane and competitive thing.
Perhaps the saddest celebrity boxing news is that Tila Tequila is still scheduled to fight “TBA”. Can’t we find a ballplayer to fill in? How about Milton Bradley? I bet he’d kill her.
Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]
Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]
Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]
How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]
Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]
The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]
Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]
Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]
Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]
Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]
28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]
By all accounts, Jose Canseco is a delusional maniac, unfolding mentally in front of more than 400,000 followers on Twitter. But damn it if he’s not entertaining as hell. So it’s only natural that the guy who spends his time telling us to “stop hateing and start loving” or asking for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back would take a huge step forward in his career and participate in “Celebrity Fight Night.”
I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but apparently there is a group of people who consider themselves celebrities and they travel the country making promotional appearances under the guise of the Celebrity Boxing Foundation at bars and night clubs, where they fight each other. And these fights all lead up to the main event, a pay-per-view sh*t show that opens the gates of hell just a little bit wider.
To be somewhat fair and positive, some of the proceeds will go to the Muhammad Ali Parkinson Center, so that’s good. In fact, here is Celebrity Fight Night’s honest-to-God press description:
Celebrity Fight Night is one of the nation’s most elite, star-studded charity events that uses the mediums of live auctions, musical performances and appearances by special celebrity guests to raise funds for the famous boxer’s foundation.
I assume that these famous-in-their-own-mind pseudo-celebs will receive some sort of appearance fee, and whoever is behind this whole thing will probably have some “other fees” to handle. Either way, I’m sure that this prestigious event will raise hundreds – nay, thousands! – of dollars for a fantastic, honorable charity that will probably ask them to leave in an envelope under the doormat.