The Major League Baseball Lifetime Pass is like Willy Wonka’s golden ticket, except instead of allowing a person to take a tour of a chocolate factory and possibly develop diabetes in record time, it grants the person who possesses it lifetime access to any MLB stadium of that person’s choice. Needless to say, based on that very brief description, I already want one and will kick and scream until I eventually pass out.

Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista doesn’t have to go to such extremes apparently, as he is the most recent recipient of this glorious card, posted to his Instagram account over the weekend. Nobody knows much about baseball’s gold card – save for BuzzFeed’s gallery and a quick Google search that shows you where you can buy Dave Parker’s gold card – but apparently they are awarded to people “in appreciation of long and meritorious service”.

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On paper (or perhaps pehper) the Toronto Blue Jays should be the team to beat in the American League East this season. With the core of the New York Yankees – Curtis Granderson, Alex Rodriguez and Mark Texeira – already injured and expected to miss significant time, the Bronx Bombers should be in for a down year. Additionally, the Boston Red Sox are coming off an unusual last place finish, which leaves the Baltimore Orioles and Tampa Bay Rays as the main threats to the Blue Jays’ divisional hopes. And thus ends the strangest paragraph I’ve written in several years.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Jays outfielder Jose Bautista is already psyched and energized to get the season underway, so he took to Reddit yesterday for an Ask Me Anything session, through which he answered some of the hardest questions that any athlete could ever answer – namely, what’s it like to play with Colby Rasmus’ goofy-looking ass?

Oh, and it also helped that Bautista was promoting MLB the Show. I’d certainly be excited if I were featured in a video game, and hopefully it would be called “Asslevania” and I play a vampire slayer who hooks up with Kate Upton. If anyone from Konami is reading this, I’m willing to write that plot.

Anyway, Bautista answered a ton of questions and seems like a generally great guy, so here are some of the better, more insightful answers for people like me who think Reddit threads are ridiculously confusing to navigate. That’s not a dig at Reddit, mind you, I’m just old and easily confused.

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Two weeks ago, With Leather and FanDuel broke in the 2012 Major League Baseball season by giving out a buffet of free cash to anyone who could sign up for a free, one night game and draft the best team. I challenged you to defeat me, then followed through with one of the most abysmal performances in fantasy sports history. I won’t give you the specifics, but I finished about 100 spots below the last place guy.

Anyway, the contest is back this week, and if you sign up for the free game right now you’ll have a chance to spent your Friday, April 20th winning wads of money from a $500 cash pool. I’m drafting Jamie Moyer and like Jacksonville Jaguars, there’s no way you can do worse than me.

Here’s how it works:

So it’s time for me and Jose Bautista to put that .222 average to work. Sign up and let me know who you’re drafting in our comments section (because I desperately need some tips)!

What you’re watching, should you be able to get through all 35 seconds without blacking out and waking up in the perfume section of a Dillard’s, is MLB (or approximately MLB) stars Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, Jose Bautista, Bryce Harper, career .205 hitter Ryan Vogelsong and a lady who I’m gonna guess is Mrs. Marucci introducing “Marucci Black”. They do so by taking turns saying “introducing”, then taking turns saying “Marucci Black”. The bat says “Marucci” up the side so hopefully that’s what they’re talking about. Apparently I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.

My favorite part, besides the random Overstock.com-looking woman, is how they’ve got a commercial starring Pujols, Ortiz and Bautista but the 19-year old with no Major League experience is the only one actually swinging the bat. All David Ortiz had to do was show up and say “introducing”. He didn’t even have to take off his glasses. Further investigation of the product reveals a weirdly racist ad campaign called “Beware of the Black” where the blonde from this commercial takes a porno camera crew out to abandoned houses and hotel rooms where she gets stalked by the phallic Marucci.

Thank goodness they’ve been introduced, now she’ll be able to identify him in a line-up.

[h/t to Mr. Irrelevant]

Coco Crisp has been a recurring character in The Dugout for a number of reasons, including wearing his hat sideways, getting arrested for things and playing for teams of interest (even the Royals). Also, his name is “Coco Crisp.” We’ve gotten used to it over the last ten years, but really sit back and think about how great it is that somebody in professional sports chooses to call themselves “Coco” when their shoot last name is Crisp. His name is Covelli. Covelli Crisp would be an awesome name for a baseball player, wouldn’t it?

In today’s hair-centric celebrity gossip sports-o-sphere, Crisp has taken the next logical step in a career wrought with easy jokes: he’s letting Oakland fans vote on his next hairstyle. Something something something, today’s Dugout follows.

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