America defending its nation was the only defense to appear in this game.

Links

4th And A Long Shot: 10 Predictions For The NFL Season - Prediction 11: “The Cleveland Browns will win 11 games and make the playoffs because their schedule is weak, and I think one of their games is against a high school team”. Yeah, the Browns are going to be awesome. Woof woof! [Smoking Section]

The Hilarious Photoshops of True American Dog - Say what you will about the Tim and Eric nature of these images, but “Kooly the Bear” is hilarious, especially when he’s nervous about meeting his father. Like some sort of wonderful fever dream. [UPROXX]

The Dugout: John Mayberry Wants to F**k a Mermaid - If you missed yesterday’s Dugout, be sure to check it out. It features references to The Little Mermaid and Dungeons & Dragons and features a 100% medically accurate summary of how fish reproduce. [The Dugout]

‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ Mom Defends Dressing Daughter Like A Famous Prostitute - I thought this was going to be an article about Taylor Momsen. We need more posts at UPROXX about Taylor Momsen, the beautiful, probably-stinky wonder teen. [Warming Glow]

Kate Winslet Talks Nude Scenes. And Yes, That Is a Purple Monkey. - Kate Winslet is literally 75 years old and looks better than anybody else. Take note of how beauty can age gracefully, disgusting new face of 17-year old Ali Lohan. [FARK]

Doc Brown Shills Electronics in Argentina Now - I don’t think people understand viral videos. They have to, I don’t know, BE about something. You can’t just virally video Godzilla and have a hot dog stand somewhere in the background, then say you’re virally marketing a hot dog stand. [Gamma Squad]

Nike Releasing Product From “Back To The Future 2″ That Isn’t A Hoverboard - The Marty McFly shoes exist. Man, I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season and put some money on the Cubbies. [Gamma Squad]

Happy Birthday to Me: TNT Orders Pilot About Crime-Solving Dog - In the criminal justice system, spay and neuter-based offenses are considered especially heinous. [Warming Glow]

This Week in Posters: The Rum Diary, Baby Goose, and Robot Box - I can’t believe there’s a worse looking movie coming out than New Year’s Eve, but yep, I Don’t Know How She Does It. What is that title, seriously? [Film Drunk]

17 Photobooth Pictures Featuring Puppies - I hope the hipsters on my Facebook feed can do some more photobooth pictures today, that would be awesome. [Buzzfeed]

The Best and Worst Schools in Movies - I hope “that one from Stomp The Yard where they think you’re stupid if you don’t immediately know what their stupid team dancing means” is on here somewhere.. [Moviefone]

Nick Swardson’s 9 Funniest Moments - This should just be a blank page. We need to quickly go back to this guy not being a thing. [The Smoking Jacket]

Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game festivities began yesterday in Phoenix with the Futures game but more importantly – Kate Upton. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model took part in this year’s Taco Bell Legends & Celebrity Softball Game, which featured “A-list celebrities, athletes and MLB legends” but seeing as the participating “celebrities” were Greg Gunberg, Chord Overstreet and Jason Aldean, we’ll go easy on that A-list label.

The score suggests that the National League team, featuring Mark Grace, Larry Fitzgerald and Ozzie Smith, defeated the American League team 5-3. However, the AL team had Upton and Erin Andrews, so that’s pretty much an automatic win. Sure, the NL team had Jennie Finch and Jordin Sparks, but come on – Kate Upton. Seriously. Kate. Upton.

And that brings me to today’s thought. I can understand the point of having guys like Overstreet, Aldean, and Nick Jonas in the softball game, because they have some current star power. But why not just load the rosters with girls like Upton, Jessica Stam, Chanel Iman, and Chrissy Teigen, who is friends with Andrews and Upton and Tweeted about the damn game enough that she should have been there? Last time I checked, baseball was America’s game, and our America likes very attractive women.

After the jump, check out Upton, Andrews, Sparks, Jennie Finch, and the other, far-less-important celebrities from last night’s Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.

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Jordin Sparks sang the national anthem last night before the Super Bowl. She's 18. Her dad actually played for the Giants back in the day. She won American Idol. She loves football. She hates abortion. I don't know how she feels about anal, but from the looks of her, I'd guess it falls somewhere between "pilates" and "skipping lunch."

Sparks was actually one of the stars that seemed to align to help make this upset happen, along with Belichick's new hoodie, the Giants again wearing white, Gisele pulling a Jessica Simpson and showing up at the game, Troy Aikman wearing his lucky NFC thong…what am I forgetting? I maintain that it was three-plus hours of great football, and the Giants deserve credit for the win more than New England should be cited for a choke job.

Anyway, here are some other obscure prop results from last night's Super Bowl:

Coin Toss: Giants P Jeff Feagles called "tails." It was tails. 

First Touchdown: New England (Laurence Maroney, 1 yard rush, 14:57 left in the 2nd quarter).

Tom Petty's Set, in order: "American Girl," "I Won't Back Down," "Free Fallin'" and "Runnin' Down a Dream."

- Monday Morning Punter